45+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (February 24, 2024)

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  • 01
    erika+ @yeeeerika my face when you're explaining the rules of a card game ALT 7:39 PM 2/18/24 From Earth 39K Views . 156 Reposts 6 Quotes 1.4K Likes 63 Bookmarks
  • 02
    Em @EmAsInMoney ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions 4:15 PM 2/18/24 20K Views . • 126 Reposts 5 Quotes 1K Likes 20 Bookmarks
  • 03
    Karen Knight @Karen Kn12866337 This tree looks like it's sneaking out of the woods. AF 3:58 AM 2/18/24 From Earth. 4.8M Views
  • 04
    Republic of Kiribati @KiribatiGov Fine. You're not invited La Doctora @VoxDocVoxDei • 2d I think Kiribati just gave up when it came time to name cities. London Paris o Poland Banana Kiribati 1:01 AM 2/19/24 From Earth. 18M Views
  • 05
    Stangle's Kid @lisasaurstomp This restaurant name is going to keep me up at night for at least a week JUST TACOS And more
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    h @ipodmacbook a second more demonic punxatawny phil has been discovered. we just need to figure out what he's predicting Dr. Mike McClelland @magicmikewri.... 2d You think you've seen it all and then your 13-year- old blind beagle throws up the French flag in the middle of the night. 9:04 PM 2/16/24 From Earth 2.9M Views 4.6K Reposts 60 Quotes
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    Tribu @Whotfismick living in your parent's house is free because you pay with your soul Chelly Koko @_onyxbby 10h Your opinion about Living with your parents?? 10:00 AM 2/19/24 From Earth. 10M Views
  • 08
    grace @gracefurby Anyway here's the text my grandpa sent when my great grandma died MESSAGES Papa Grandma gone! MESSAGES 1m ago 1:18 AM 2/18/24 From Earth.895K Views 3m ago Mom To you & Anthony Mom loved "You should all be at peace with the fact she was s...!" 957 Reposts 91 Quotes 34K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 09
    HEAVY PORTES Heavy Spoilers @heavyspoilers Keanu Reeves fell down 50 flights of steps and Tom Cruise drove a motorbike off a cliff though UPDATES Film Updates @FilmUpdates - 19h Rachel Zegler wins Action Movie Star of the Year at the 2024 People's Choice Awards 2:39 AM 2/19/24 From Earth. 6M Views 7.7K Reposts 588 Quotes
  • 10
    Paul Watson @paul_c_watson Can you imagine being called Pontius, becoming a Pilates instructor and NOT calling your business Pontius Pilates? Inexplicable. Cheryl Pontius Strengthening your core and mind for a balanced life. Experience ALT Personal Trainer/Pilates Instructor MetamorPhysique Self-employed Aug 2007 - Present 16 yrs 7 mos Woodland Hills Pilates Instructor: on all apparatus - reformer, mat, Wunda chair, Cadillac/trapeze. ...see more *** 7:12 AM 2/19/24 From Earth - 799K Views . 1.7K
  • 11
    jacob. @jtimsuggs I still love how George Lucas randomly gave Obi- Wan a dinosaur buddy who knows uncharted cloning planets AND owns a 1950s diner with no setup whatsoever. 2:23 AM 2/19/24 From Earth - 611K Views 1.1K Reposts 115 Quotes 22K Likes 510 Bookmarks
  • 12
    Ben Rosen @ben_rosen inspector at the baby carrot factory: ok first of all these need to be MUCH wetter 8:24 PM 2/18/24 From Earth. 745K Views 1K Reposts 16 Quotes 24K Likes 440 Bookmarks
  • 13
    Keith Harris @useful_noise People also ask : Who does Anya Taylor-Joy play in Dune 2? coy Yes, Anya Taylor-Joy is in Dune 2. However, she played coy when asked about her presence at the premiere and who she was playing saying that viewers had to see the film to find out. 2 days ago 3:56 PM 2/18/24 From Earth - 2.1M Views • 2.5K Reposts 203 Quotes
  • 14
    molson @Molson_Hart US bank: "Your daily transfer limit is $2000 and monthly is $5000" Me: "What about checks? If I want to send a piece of paper in the mail that has a password on it that will let anyone who intercepts it to withdraw money from my account, what's the limit?" Bank: "No limit." 4:41 PM - 2/18/24 From Earth · 190K Views . 152 Reposts 16 Quotes 4K Likes 118 Bookmarks
  • 15
    Michael Coors @blaha_blast They want their money soooo bad lol Recents +1 (800) 955-6600 Capital One +1 (877) 255-5923 Goldman Sachs +1 (800) 955-6600 Capital One +1 (877) 255-5923 Goldman Sachs +1 (800) 955-6600 Capital One +94 (0) (58) 508 61 Sri Lanka +1 (760) 205-0069 ✔ Assetcare +1 (800) 435-1415 Capital One +800 4351415 unknown +1 (877) 255-5923 Goldman Sachs 8:55 AM i Yesterday (i Yesterday i Friday i Friday i Friday i Thursday (i Thursday i Thursday 1 Thursday i
  • 16
    teryn @youngtiddy hello sharks. im here today asking for $20 to get chipotle 12:51 PM 2/18/24 From Earth - 2.2M Views . . 5.4K Reposts 111 Quotes
  • 17
    ISBOURNE 666 Ava @avatarrant sometimes i forget how much lore there is to hockey. imagine explaining this to someone attending their first nhl game Barstool Detroit @BSMotor City.1d We've got road 'pus in Calgary #LGRW 4 18 40N 4:28 0 34 3RD 9:30 B NHL ATLANTIC 7. 12:03 PM 2/18/24 From Earth. 11M Views . 2.2K Reposts 184 Quotes Icc BUF (23-26-4) 50 PTS
  • 18
    David J Phillips @davj People ask me how I reached an eight-figure net worth after only 5 years in tech: Year 1 - $65K (1st job) Year 2 - $72K (asked for raise) Year 3 - $137K (switched jobs) Year 4 - $35.67M (lawsuit payout from Google commuter bus hitting me) Year 5 - $146K (promotion) 1:00 PM 2/18/24 From Earth 1.4M Views ● 1.1K Reposts 174 Quotes 25K Likes 1.1K Bookmarks
  • 19
    catturd2.bsky.social @thetomzone sometimes I remember The Onion thought Sept 12, 2001 was too soon to run the headline "America Stronger Than Ever, Say Top Quadragon Officials" and chuckle 5:44 PM 2/18/24 From Earth 596K Views ● 745 Reposts 21 Quotes 16K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 20
    "paula" >> @paularambles when she says "can i ask you something" [Paul] We're about to enter worm territory. 4:51 PM 2/18/24 - 1.1M Views
  • 21
    erin chack @ErinChack once again it is 4pm, too early for a beer, too late for a coffee, and so i find myself roaming the streets desperate to spend $8 on a mysterious third beverage 7:38 PM 2/18/24 From Earth 529K Views . . 1.1K Reposts 389 Quotes 18K Likes 613 Bookmarks
  • 22
    mich @yourgirlmich no rush but im ready to go whenever you are RE MA Сам 1:39 PM 2/18/24 From Earth. 316K Views 621 Reposts 22 Quotes 9.2K Likes 361 Bookmarks
  • 23
    Keifer @DannyVegito they aren't protecting and they're definitely not serving Cynical @CynicalNYK - 10h What are we doing as a city?? NYPD 10 NTP3 24 NYP MEET THE NYPD DANCE TEAM 12:56 PM 2/18/24 From Earth. 3M Views Icc POKE-AMST 9:36 29⁰ PIX11.COM 4.3K Reposts 53 Quotes 58K Likes 1.2K Bookmarks
  • 24
    largest rodent @capybaroness this part in madame web is almost certainly the hardest i've laughed at a movie in more than a year TORTY 10, LULTUL ULUI IVI so when cassie webb has her first vision she sees a big red letter S but we don't know the context. and at the end of the movie they're fighting the bad guy near a pepsi-cola sign. and cassie sees the big S start to shake and give way bc the building is collapsing, and she backs into position and keeps looking at the S as it slowly comes loose
  • 25
    ali segel @OnlineAlison Madame Web got my brain to such a weird place that my Oura ring thought i was asleep Details 7:10 PM-8:08 PM Sleep Score +4 Time asleep 0,31m Total duration Oh 59m 7:10 pm 11:57 PM-9:14 AM Sleep Score 62 12:18 PM 2/18/24 From Earth 409K Views 8 pm 8:08 pm 385 Reposts 25 Quotes 14K Likes 346 Bookmarks
  • 26
    Dan Hentschel @danghentschel Drunk and having a hard time figuring out if sending this was a mistake. 9:01 Question Hello all, Please forgive the late hour. I hope you are all enjoying your Saturday night and staying out of trouble. B I know this is probably going to seem weird. Feel free to totally ignore this if you wish. Am I a bad teacher? Do you hate this class? None of you have to answer this unless you want to. Cheers, Mr. H Sent from my iPhone
  • 27
    Teeth Sweat @dabnisbrickey_ Those the January 6s. A Phizer A @Aqua174-21h Trump is really out here pushing Scammer 1's. TRUMP 3:52 PM 2/17/24 From Earth - 5.6M Views 8.2K Reposts 231 Quotes
  • 28
    Critter @BecomingCritter l accidentally ordered 3x the wings we typically sell in a week I am in the possession of 5200 pounds of chicken wings In one week, I have to throw away everything I don't sell I am open to all ideas on how to move these things 9:46 PM 2/17/24 From Earth. 521K Views ● 150 Reposts 45 Quotes 6.1K Likes 244 Bookmarks
  • 29
    "Bad" Billy Pratt @KILLTOPARTY Millennial culture was focused on the shock value of profanity-Zoomers will consider this passé BAGSLUT eggslut Julagge eggslut
  • 30
    Ashley Reese @offbeatorbit Dominican running a NYC AT&T store like the Navy. @chrisisclueless - 2d What nationality is this man? OO
  • 31
    Pense patient I have ounion Nugs → @Nugjokes Just printed out a new iron sight 4:36 PM 2/17/24 559K Views ● 1.5K Reposts 75 Quotes 20K Likes 581 Bookmarks
  • 32
    BRAIN DAMAGE :3 @catgirlprostate I'm sorry but a Smash Bros player not being able to operate a shower in the hotel before going to a major tournament is hilarious j. k. rawrling @ genesis!!! @bruhgaming15-1d DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW THE GENESIS HILTON SHOWERS WORK URGENT URGENT OFF 1:03 PM 2/17/24 From Earth. 11M Views មា Icc
  • 33
    Hollywood Deals @LocalDingus a lot of you wouldn't have to imagine steven monacelli @stevanzetti - 2d Imagine being a rat addicted to Mango Juul pods Credit: Weber State University 1:40 PM 2/17/24 From Earth. 2.2M Views 3.8K Reposts 26 Quotes 67K Likes 823 Bookmarks
  • 34
    sarah @heavenbrat i love girl time cause u can sit there and say the most unhinged thing ever and ur bestie is gonna agree w u cause shes just as delusional 11:41 PM 2/16/24 From Earth 2.6M Views . 12K Reposts 888 Quotes ●
  • 35
    Drew (some assembly requir... @dmc1138 Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers. 11:32 AM - 2/19/24 76K Views 246 Reposts 24 Quotes 2.8K Likes 58 Bookmarks
  • 36
    Robert Orr @NotTheBobby Orr MIKE TROUT: I would die for the Angels. I signed that contract with my own blood and I'll die on the field trying to win a championship for them ANTHONY RENDON: you want me to go up to the plate 3 or 4 times a game? Like every day?! 11:22 AM 2/19/24 826K Views ● . 952 Reposts 41 Quotes 13K Likes 197 Bookmarks
  • 37
    lauren @Very_Regular one theory i have is that all the relatively normal germans left in the 1830's-1840's to settle ohio and i use this to explain both germany and ohio 12:44 PM 2/19/24 From Earth 499K Views . 452 Reposts 49 Quotes 10K Likes 452 Bookmarks
  • 38
    greg @greg16676935420 Don't forget to report your income from illegal activities and stolen property as you're doing your taxes this year IRS Illegal activities. Income from illegal activities, such as money from dealing illegal drugs, must be included in your income on Schedule 1 (Form 1040), line 8z, or on Schedule C (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity. SEARCH | HELP | MENU Stolen property. If you steal property, you must report its fair market value in your income in the year yo
  • 39
    amanda+ @luvu2golka i need more celebs to start calling out these liars trying to sell diet plans and courses using their names I was sydney sweeney's dietican for 5 years this is how I helped her get her dream role with 5 easy food swaps she wouldn't stop talking about the last one 69.1K . 304 14K Reposts 481 Quotes 7:47 1 . Reels Comments 10:48 AM 2/19/24 From Earth 6.8M Views sydney_sweeney Ⓒ9h i dont know you and kraft mac n cheese is for life 6,559 likes Reply View 49 more replies
  • 40
    184 Chase @chasekr8 Hali looks like a high ranking officer in a govt where Cookie Monster is in charge B-R Bleacher Report @BleacherReport 13h - Hali receives his All-Star ring from a fan (via @NBA) EAST leg
  • 41
    Landon Greenfeld @LetsGoLandon This photo has me rolling. He knows the person caught him red handed. He looks like a dog when his owners walk in on him ripping up the couch. GEPR . BREN 8:17 PM 2/19/24 From Earth - 2.9M Views 5/10
  • 42
    rachel zegler (she/her/hers) @rachelzegler sat next to julia louis-dreyfuss in an airport lounge today and it took everything in me not to wish her a happy presidents day 3:13 PM 2/19/24 From Earth • 1M Views . 478 Reposts 51 Quotes 24K Likes 419 Bookmarks
  • 43
    Yung Carri @raccarrington I use Google first instead of harassing people for answers that can easily be found on the internet g @billygrene 2d What's your contribution to society? 6:07 AM 2/19/24 From Earth 3.2M Views ● 15K Reposts 452 Quotes 57K Likes 1.1K Bookmarks.
  • 44
    Austine @theereal_one adulthood is really discovering half yo family is mentally ill Kheumani @Kheumani 2d The family tea you find out when you get older is insane. 11:45 AM 2/18/24 From Earth - 8.8M Views 27K Reposts 1.2K Quotes
  • 45
    VAEL @elle91 I almost crashed my car for this. the least you can do is zoom in ARE YOU MAD AT ME? Ⓡ CAMRY . HOW AMIDRIVING? PM NOT THIS VEHICLE IS BEING DRIVEN BY 700 RATS PUTERA CK ** this christian mom HATES Garfield LOOLINGTON KIA MCGRATH 2.6K Reposts 694 Quotes THIS CAR RUNS ON PR T-PAINSTV VIS DAN KEEP HONCH THE 1904 DRIVING HOME TO WAT ASTERPIECE SHRK2 MOM, 8:05 AM 2/20/24 From Earth - 1.6M Views patien gaslight gatekeep girlboss times new roman SE THATE MY EX-WIFE
  • 46
    Masta Munsta @MunstaMasta Cyclops is the most interesting X-Men character because on the outside he seems very vanilla, but when you dig deeper he makes the most unhinged versions of Batman seem tame 12:44 AM2/19/24 From Earth. 442K Views 872 Reposts 99 Quotes 12K Likes 1.2K Bookmarks

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