45 of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (March 2, 2024)

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  • 01
    Stevie Martin @5tevieM why does my friends dog look like a canadian off south park 6:56 AM 2/25/24 From Earth. 99K Views ● 94 Reposts 3 Quotes 2.1K Likes 28 Bookmarks
  • 02
    Amy Van Gar @amyvangar When you successfully win a game of solitaire on Windows 98: AG-AFTRA NETFLIX SCREEN ACTORS GUDA AWARDS S A AW 7:13 PM 2/24/24 From Earth. 240K Views ● NETFLIX SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS ARAFRA 517 Reposts 16 Quotes 7.9K Likes 78 Bookmarks
  • 03
    Irish Literary Times @Irish LitTimes Don't know who to credit for this one The Spelling OF Irish names is my Pet Piamh 4:26 PM 2/25/24 451K Views . x 892 Reposts 74 Quotes 10K Likes 420 Bookmarks
  • 04
    Anne Thériault @anne_theriault A friend of mine went to Alex Trebek's old high school in Sudbury and mentioned that they have a giant mural of him on the side of the school. I jokingly said, "I hope it's of Young Trebek from back when he had the big hair" and guess what ww Le 5:46 PM 2/25/24 From Earth 366K Views 719 Reposts 33 Quotes 16K Likes 455 Bookmarks
  • 05
    Ben Crew @BenjaminCrew1 Every presidential photo of the Easter Bunny looks as if we lost a war with him and are surrendering ENT OF THE 11:52 AM 2/25/24 From Earth. 182K Views 551 Reposts 30 Quotes 4.7K Likes 262 Bookmarks
  • 06
    Elizabeth @TheJawnOfTime Easy one-stop date night idea Kirkwood k Clemens Rd DD DRIVE THRU DUNKIN' DONUTS URGENT CARE SINCE 1956 Jersey Mike SUBS 1:44 PM 2/25/24 From Earth.89K Views
  • 07
    pavlo @Laughter Haver my printer wants me dead HP SMART You're low on ink Never run low on ink again.
  • 08
    Ed @ted_pen two guys having an animated sign language conversation in the quiet carriage. not against the rules but surely not in the spirit 9:42 AM 2/25/24 From Earth 501K Views • . 601 Reposts 16 Quotes 16K Likes 498 Bookmarks
  • 09
    282 Brand MAADY @MaadyBK67 Frank Sinatra was dead s drill music for Italian mobsters back in the 50s & 60s. They was committing drivebys with "New York, New York" blasting out the Lincoln Continental 9:24 PM 2/24/24 From Earth 1.5M Views . 4.5K Reposts 362 Quotes ●
  • 10
    Jabu @Whotfismick me: i'm going to take a 30 mins nap me: 4 hours later 12:59 AM 2/25/24 From Earth 5.5M Views ● 19K Reposts 1.2K Quotes ●
  • 11
    antipodean scourge @guywhoiswoke Buying frozen pizza is such a lie. "Oh I'll save this for when I don't feel like cooking". Surprise, surprise. Day one. Don't feel like cooking 1:43 AM 2/25/24 From Earth. 469K Views . 1.4K Reposts 57 Quotes 20K Likes 280 Bookmarks
  • 12
    Thanos. @Slim Thanos I was pulled over by a Police Officer. He looked at my license and said "you're supposed to be wearing glasses". I said I have contacts. He said he didn't care who I know 4:46 AM 2/26/24 From Earth 10M Views . 18K Reposts 3.1K Quotes ●
  • 13
    Dana Bell @_dana_bell Just saw madam web at this theater in Maine...... the chairs were office chairs and they didn't dim the lights all the way.... Perfect viewing experience for a perfect movie CINEMA 9:40 PM 2/24/24 From Earth. 987K Views 829 Reposts 132 Quotes 24K Likes 927 Bookmarks
  • 14
    horse dentist @equine_dentist hitting this like a pan flute 12:51 PM 2/25/24 450K Views . 1.1K Reposts 63 Quotes 17K Likes 496 Bookmarks
  • 15
    Trae Young Agenda @backendjame peak male group chats right here N Nick Takeoff better than Jay Z . Today 11:33 AM JC removed Nick from the conversation. JC I can't do it today Rod. @RoddyIgnant 2/12/24 in mens Women really think it be some wild group chats. Let me tell u, a male only group chat is the most boring on earth. 8:04 PM 2/25/24 From Earth. 7.9M Views . 12K Reposts 1.6K Quotes
  • 16
    veet @vveetto being hungover is a top tier excuse like sorry i can't hangout today im sick from being so fun and outgoing 4:59 PM 2/24/24 From Earth 1.1M Views ● ● 2.8K Reposts 123 Quotes 34K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 17
    bosco @selentelechia if you line up all of the "Princess Movies," from Snow White to Moana, you can identify the specific five-year period in which everybody at Disney started going to some very specific types of therapists 11:03 PM 2/24/24 From Earth. 1.6M Views ● 980 Reposts 29 Quotes 28K Likes 2.4K Bookmarks
  • 18
    trash jones @jzux they keep making live-action remakes of cartoons but i'm much more interested in cartoon remakes of live-action series. let's see some anime Sopranos 12:38 PM 2/24/24 From Earth 518K Views ● 1.6K Reposts 136 Quotes 17K Likes 290 Bookmarks
  • 19
    NYT connections categories funny campbell g @rodeoman WORDS THAT RHYME WITH DOG THINGS YOU SHOULDN'T PUT IN YOUR MOUTH Funny EDD STATES THAT BEGIN WITH "CALIFORN" Neay DR3 BLACK COMEDIANS NAMED "WHOOPI" . ER FOODS THAT END IN "AMBURGER COLORS THAT END IN "URPLE" TOAST TCH ¡E MEN ES Funny 12:09 PM 2/24/24 From Earth 1.3M Views DRUMMERS NAMED RINGO COLORS THAT ARE RED STATES THAT END IN "HAMPSHIRE" C IS 1.9K Reposts 66 Quotes 41K Likes 1.8K Bookmarks.
  • 20
    NX! Anthony Totri @Anthony_Totri I lost our Fantasy Football league so I'm here completing the Waffle House challenge. The rules are simple: stay at a Waffle House for 24 hours and for each waffle you eat, one hour is deducted off of the total time. Start time 8:20am. 2189 WAFFLE HOUSE
  • 21
    Gabriel @gbrl_dick trying to play peekaboo with my child but he's an opponent of the Great Man theory of history: me: where'd daddy go? baby: structural forces have caused my father to disappear me: peekaboo! baby: as a result of long-run dynamics, my father has returned 6:58 PM 2/24/24 From Earth 202K Views · ● 672 Reposts 22 Quotes 6.3K Likes 493 Bookmarks
  • 22
    Lil Bit @LizerReal Apparently my 9yo daughter's imaginary friend is the ghost of an 8yo girl named Rose who died of the bubonic plague 200 years ago and I'm sure this is a completely normal developmental stage........ 4:08 PM 2/24/24 From Earth. 3M Views . 2.6K Reposts 466 Quotes
  • 23
    duab'mid @myrrlyn for being a my cat talks a mad amount of creature i can easily pick up and wiggle 7:30 AM 2/24/24 From Earth 749K Views 3.6K Reposts 89 Quotes 34K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 24
    anna X @myelessar here's 4 questions i recommend asking on a first date to really get to know them better: 1) do you wear wigs? 2) have you worn wigs? 3) will you wear wigs? 4) when will you wear wigs? 2:13 PM 2/24/24 From Earth. 893K Views 5.5K Reposts 114 Quotes
  • 25
    emily petrini @emilykmay my dad just put on disney plus for the grandchild, meanwhile when i was a child at my grandparents i had the following entertainment options: angels in the outfield the princess bride •recorded dallas cowboys games from the 1980s • a documentary about pope john paul II 6:50 PM 2/24/24 From Earth 210K Views ● 297 Reposts 80 Quotes 9.4K Likes 190 Bookmarks
  • 26
    Caitlin @caithuls Overnight Oats sounds like the name of a racehorse who sucks 8:51 AM 9/25/22 From Earth ● 7.3K Reposts 166 Quotes
  • 27
    Brian @brianbjay Got ratio'd in the snack chat today Bake potato ● 1 1:25 PM Seen by 8 people made a pear frangipane tart (second attempt, left it in a touch too long) 2 DanniiMinogueVEVO -2:57 PM 7:59 PM 2/24/24 From Earth - 763K Views 1.3K Reposts 181 Quotes 41K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 28
    nat @starkeysfilm the level of delusion needed to get the most specific category in nyt connections is actually driving me insane WORDS BEGINNING WITH INSTRUMENTS BASSINET, CELLOPHANE, HARPOON, ORGANISM 7:20 AM 2/25/24 From Earth 666K Views ● 808 Reposts 554 Quotes ●
  • 29
    Heather Hogan @theheatherhogan Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character? Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here's 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek. 8:32 PM 2/25/24 From Earth - 205K Views ● 736 Reposts 21 Quotes 13K Likes 369 Bookmarks
  • 30
    Really happy to see new houses still being built in 2024 D PULSORE ALAONTINET (1 2 ww3ww E Als 6:21 PM 2/25/24 From Earth. 843K Views CITY ATTOM PLANNING C CERTIFICATE POST OFFICE OWNOY'S DEE WLEEN
  • 31
    tim @theVibesGuru seeing the Dune 2 budget You're paying way too much for worms, man. Who's your worm guy? 7:32 PM 2/25/24 18K Views 62 Reposts 915 Likes 12 Bookmarks
  • 32
    Jabu @Whotfismick "what's wrong?" women: "NOTHING"
  • 33
    Dan Carney @DanManCarney Asked my dad what gives him the ick 48 Of course 4.5 why D Dad > Do you have an ick? Don't laugh, we're Irish I'm sure yours isn't much bigger ☐ Oh lol Probably your mother leaving me for your drivers Ed teacher 2:21 PM 2/25/24 From Earth. 1.4M Views What is it No I meant like an ick, like something that bothers you personally or makes you feel uneasy What? Read 2:17 PM
  • 34
    meghan @deloisivete husband: do you know where the thing is me: can I buy a noun 2:03 PM 2/25/24 From Earth. 21K Views ● 87 Reposts 3 Quotes 587 Likes 5 Bookmarks
  • 35
    skooks @skooookum might need a wellness check on this apple rep 10 Apple Meanwhile, I am checking it for you could you please let me know what's your plan for upcoming weekend? Nothing much! Just relaxing with friends. How about you? That's great to know that! Well, I will find peace this weekend. i 10:10 PM 2/25/24 From Earth. 168K Views 254 Reposts 8 Quotes 6.6K Likes 170 Bookmarks
  • 36
    thebes @voooooogel this goes so hard, i can't believe it's on a government building. need more of this energy nuclear reactors should have prometheus stealing fire from the atom datacenters should have an angel with a flaming sword holding back chaos 360 11:37 PM 2/25/24 From Earth 189K Views . 759 Reposts 45 Quotes 6.6K Likes 673 Bookmarks
  • 37
    pointman @appuntito160 My brain wouldn't let me go on with my day until I made this. JAL REPORT TOWN
  • 38
    Rodney Lacroix @Rod Lacroix Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors. 5:01 PM 2/26/24 10K Views 39 Reposts 1 Quote 334 Likes 5 Bookmarks
  • 39
    DeWitt B. Fartin @DeWittBFartin I thought "prima donna" was "pre Madonna" until I was like 25, I thought it meant you were acting like you were about to be rich and famous like Madonna so nobody ever corrected me because I would always use the phrase correctly 9:21 AM 2/26/24 From Earth 1.2M Views . 1.6K Reposts 298 Quotes ●
  • 40
    lily hoang-zhu @liliuhms having a bunch of knick knacks in your home is fun until it comes time to move & then you're like "i'm stupid.. i'm so stupid..." 12:55 AM 2/26/24 From Earth 776K Views • 3.7K Reposts 343 Quotes ●
  • 41
    FEE ve so mel @melilbi me link hopping on wikipedia for an hour every night before bed r 3:12 Message requests Messages from people who you don't follow live here. To read their messages, you need to accept the request ● Lee Clifford @LeeCliffor94331 Hey, I am kinda interested in everything that is unkown to me. 8:44 PM 2/25/24 From Earth 107K Views X
  • 42
    Jeremy Kaplowitz @jeremysmiles finally a company that gets it. Avatar at its core has always been about how much Aang loves to kill people with guns Shiina @ShiinaBR 17h FORTNITE X AVATAR IS COMING TO THE GAME!! ● - Aang Skin (Event Pass) - Appa Glider (Event Pass) - Event ends on May 3rd! - Item Shop Skins (via @iFireMonkey) 8:12 PM 2/25/24 From Earth - 2.6M Views
  • 43
    BLJ @BLJLEE i feel like most men are naturally hilarious. a barber posted his content of a client ...and the comments.. please look at these comments zen.fj 2d This is well-behaved Reply View 41 more replies raritys.revenge 2d Stop looking positive my Reply View 47 more replies 17.1 k 10.3 k prettyasscyann 2d 6.9K Reposts 2.2K Quotes Reply Comments look like a good example View 81 more replies thecoldestclippers 2d by author Bro look like he eat at Weenie Hut Jrs Reply misterkozy_ 2d He look lik
  • 44
    tommy bayer @tommybayertime remember eating honey nut Cheerios as like a 7 year old and being like "my cholesterol is gonna be so god perfect after this" 3:14 PM 2/26/24 54K Views . • 96 Reposts 1 Quote 2.3K Likes 26 Bookmarks
  • 45
    colette @colettebernheim Latest obsession is this photo of a dachshund at a Renaissance festival in Michigan O. WAR HOUND 4:32 PM 2/26/24 From Earth. 574K Views 2.6K Reposts 153 Quotes

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