50 of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (March 16, 2024)

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  • 01
    Dan Whitehead @DanWritehead This guy didn't win an Oscar until he was 70- years-old and had starred in 38 movies. Never stop following your dreams. 4:24 AM 3/11/24 From Earth 869K Views 7.3K Reposts 157 Quotes •
  • 02
    BETCHES Betches @betchesluvthis me dragging my comforter to the kitchen for a midnight snack because I didn't feel like putting on clothes
  • 03
    Rob DenBleyker @RobDenBleyker is Oppenheimer/Godzilla Minus One the first time a movie and its sequel both won Oscars in the same year? 11:01 PM 3/10/24 From Earth • 1.8M Views . 6.3K Reposts 254 Quotes
  • 04
    joe bro❜dib @jbromovies Remember the year the academy was so sure Chadwick Boseman was gonna win best actor so they made the ceremony long as hell with a camera specifically for his wife's reaction or whatever and instead a sleeping Anthony Hopkins won and the credits immediately rolled • 2:30 PM 3/10/24 From Earth 4.9M Views 3.6K Reposts 297 Quotes 79K Likes 4K Bookmarks
  • 05
    Keara Sullivan @superkeara Cillian Murphy winning the Oscar as the royal family rapidly declines in numbers, territory, relevance, public favor, hair? This is the Irish revenge my granny promised that I would see in my lifetime... 11:17 PM 3/10/24 From Earth 1.4M Views • 5.3K Reposts 159 Quotes
  • 06
    Christopher Ingraham @_cingraham Some personal news: today was my first day as a graphic designer for the royal family! Already shipped my first big project ♥L Now to check the headlines 7:18 PM 3/10/24 From Earth • 740K Views 773 Reposts 30 Quotes 26K Likes 192 Bookmarks
  • 07
    Luke @lukerbl What with the manipulated Kate Middleton photos and now finding out the dog wasn't really clapping, I don't know who to trust anymore.
  • 08
    Breakfast Presley @Elmo Oxygen British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley The Independent @Independent. 1d Lady Rose Hanbury: Who is the Marchioness of Cholmondeley? independent.co.uk/life-style/roy... 10:52 AM 3/11/24 From Earth. 2.2M Views 4.7K Reposts 218 Quotes
  • 09
    Laura Bassett @LEBassett If this is all because of a woman called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley I'm gonna fucking lose it 5:02 PM · 3/11/24 From Earth 1.4M Views . 2K Reposts 153 Quotes 37K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 10
    Ashles @Ashles3000 Kensington Palace have released another photo of #Kate Middleton to confirm she is absolutely fine and recovering well. 8:06 PM 3/10/24 From Earth 960K Views 1K Reposts 135 Quotes 18K Likes 369 Bookmarks
  • 11
    Nonna Charts Brazil @Monopoly Phonic Kensington Palace has released the first official photo of Kate Middleton since her abdominal surgery. 2:09 PM 3/10/24 From Earth • 3.6M Views 5.1K Reposts 272 Quotes
  • 12
    Cian McCarthy ❤ @arealmofwonder The Kate Middleton Photo Scandal has now got me seriously questioning this. HK
  • 13
    Mollie Goodfellow @hansmollman Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news 7:22 AM 3/11/24 From Earth • 1.6M Views 1.1K Reposts 51 Quotes 41K Likes 752 Bookmarks
  • 14
    Kaiser@Celebitchy @KaiseratCB youngmi mayer @ymmayer. 8h i too would do a gone girl if my bald ass husband cheated on me with someone who looked exactly like me but horsier • 3:20 PM 3/12/24 From Earth 1M Views •
  • 15
    Janel Comeau @VeryBadLlama [Kate Middleton, 14 Mountain Dews deep into the most crippling World of Warcraft addiction of the 21st Century] just photoshop me into the picture, I'm in the middle of a raid 11:35 AM 3/12/24 303K Views • 1.3K Reposts 42 Quotes 11K Likes 228 Bookmarks
  • 16
    Stefan Smith @TheStefanSmith The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade. 10:11 AM 3/11/24 From Earth 661K Views 4.9K Reposts 433 Quotes 28K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 17
    Mom Jeans @momjeansplease My niece calls provolone "leave me alone cheese" and I honestly don't know why we would have ever dreamed of calling it something else . 9:54 AM 3/11/24 From Earth - 240 Views 1 Repost 5 Likes
  • 18
    Marshall Scott @Marshall_Scott Did we do it, did we save the daylight 9:41 AM 3/12/23 From Earth • 312K Views 1.5K Reposts 35 Quotes 7.3K Likes 39 Book
  • 19
    driver from the motion picture "drive" @no_talent shan bf thought that sufjan stevens was just cat stevens after he changed his name when he converted to islam 7:51 PM 3/9/24 430K Views 605 Reposts 99 Quotes 12K Likes 405 Bookmarks
  • 20
    Simon Holland @simoncholland Generation X here, just let me know if you need help changing the clock on your microwave. Being the only person in my house to know how to work the VCR as a child prepared me well for this. 8:41 AM • 3/10/24 From Earth. 3.9K Views
  • 21
    ROYALE @royalepains going frm 1:59AM to 3AM is a lil dramatic 3:00 AM 3/10/24 879K Views • 5.5K Reposts 719 Quotes
  • 22
    mark @TheCatWhisprer There is absolutely no reason that “spring forward" shouldn't happen on a Monday at 4pm. 6:28 PM 3/9/24 From Earth. 40K Views 284 Reposts 14 Quotes 1.8K Likes 19 Bookmarks
  • 23
    Stone Cold Jane Austen @AbbyHiggs Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time. 4:29 PM 3/9/24 9.2K Views 47 Reposts 1 Quote 314 Likes 3 Bookmarks
  • 24
    soul nate @MNateShyamalan the legends foretold of a Medium Sheldon. a Sheldon of two worlds, who could walk with one foot in the Young and the other in the Old. he will be our salvation or he will be our ruin 4 DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm .4d The 'YOUNG SHELDON' sequel series is moving forward at CBS.
  • 25
    La Femme Fatali @toomanycommas3 In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers. 7:56 AM 3/8/24 19K Views • 56 Reposts 2 Quotes 326 Likes 4 Bookmarks
  • 26
    Fomo Simpson @HaliPhacks Her: What's with the bunny? Him: I'm teaching him to look into the mirror and say, "you talkin' to me?" Her: Why? Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren. • 8:22 AM 2/13/23 10K Views 87 Reposts 3 Quotes 161 Likes 3 Bookmarks
  • 27
    lil tinman @lil_tinman the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors 9:51 PM 3/9/24 1.3K Views • • 17 Reposts 47 Likes 1 Bookmark
  • 28
    Hannah Rose Woods @hannahrosewoods You try to make one special Mother's Day breakfast 28 years ago and she will not let you forget it M Sunday 10 March Mum 3m ago I'm ready for my All Bran and gin and Lilt ... • 4:08 AM 3/10/24 380K Views 359 Reposts 24 Quotes 9.6K Likes 134 Bookmarks
  • 29
    @bendergirlfrend I don't have a heating pad so whenever i'm on my period i just put my macbook on my stomach and play the sims 11:04 AM 3/9/24 From Earth - 686K Views 2.3K Reposts 494 Quotes 35K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 30
    Nicole Nicole @niicole_nicole Almost done paying off my tacos JUANCHO'S TACOS E $11.01 Paid $2.75 Payment schedule Wed, Feb 22 1 of 4• Paid Next payment: Thu, Mar 09 2 of 4 Thu, Mar 23 3 of 4 Thu, Apr 06 Final payment 8:07 PM 3/8/24 From Earth. 3M Views 3 Remaining $8.26 Pay in 4 $2.75 ▼ $2.75 $2.75 $2.76
  • 31
    omi! @omisides rest in peace pigcasso. you were so talented. unlike my stupid lazy bitch cat. Dexerto @Dexerto 1d Legendary painter, Pigcasso, has died aged 8. He generated over $1m from his paintings FARM SANCTUA • 9:30 AM 3/9/24 From Earth 5.1M Views 11K Reposts 86 Quotes CATERS
  • 32
    Brandy Jensen @BrandyLJensen god i love trend reporting The New York Times SUBSCRIBE FOR $1/WEEK Are You a 'Floor Person'? Why Lying on the Ground Feels So Good For some, just a few minutes can quiet the mind. Share full article ☐ 117 Read in app 8:58 AM 3/9/24 From Earth 2.3M Views
  • 33
    Kane 謝凱堯 ♡ @kane in the 2000s my university charged like $300 for summer storage BUT you could buy surplus FIM-29 Stinger launcher cases for $200 so i put my clothes and books in one, sunk it in the river by my dorm, and retrieved it fall semester they're hard to find now and i regret selling it NSA 1425-01-078-9238 VABI NUM. GUIDED MISSILE SYSTEM INTERCEPT-AERIAL SERIAL NO. 315 209 WT. 76LBS DATE LOADED0-31-6 SURVE BEVERIDE
  • 34
    "paula" ❤ @paularambles naming my all-female team at trivia night the bene guesserit 1:49 PM 3/9/24 • 50K Views 53 Reposts 4 Quotes 1.1K Likes 58 Bookmarks
  • 35
    ava! @F41rygirl you can tell someone grew up reading because they know so many words and they pronounce them all wrong 10:16 AM 3/9/24 4.8M Views 18K Reposts 5.6K Quotes
  • 36
    Nature is Amazing C @AMAZINGNATURE Just an Alpaca strolling in the neighbourhood. 1:10 AM 3/9/24 From Earth 10M Views 16K Reposts 2.5K Quotes
  • 37
    Sean McDonald @seanmcdonald01 One of funniest things I've ever heard was a girl explaining the difference between Glasgow & London. She'd moved to London, was dressing boldly, and no one batted an eyelid. She wore a beret in Glasgow and within 2 mins someone leaned out a passing car and shouted "BONJOUR!" . 7:45 AM 3/9/24 From Earth 3.4M Views 2.4K Reposts 235 Quotes
  • 38
    thomas @perfectsweeties jump scare when your grandma asks you to "fix" her phone. unlock it and all the text is in 48 point comic sans and theres a dancing leprechaun that “helps her with her passwords". brother how do you even get this much malware on an iphone 15. we need to fling this into a volcano 12:49 PM 3/9/24 202K Views 526 Reposts 12 Quotes 12K Likes 321 Bookmarks
  • 39
    eve @impossiblyeve i thought mexican cartels agreeing to a ceasefire in honor of akira toriyama was a joke but its real 1:17 PM 3/9/24 From Earth . 3.6M Views . 9.9K Reposts 699 Quotes
  • 40
    soul nate @MNateShyamalan hideo kojima: my next game is about a guy who delivers packages video game executive: cool. that sounds very normal kojima: [lightning strikes in the distance] i assure you it is not 7:25 PM 3/8/24 From Earth • 1M Views 3.3K Reposts 21 Quotes 44K Likes 1.4K Bookmarks
  • 41
    Simon Holland @simoncholland You know how pantry shelves are a certain size? What if we make our family size boxes just a little bigger than that. Cereal Executive: First of all, I love it... 8:38 AM 3/9/24 From Earth 32K Views 45 Reposts 2 Quotes 942 Likes 12 Bookmarks
  • 42
    Alex Cohen @anothercohen My favorite legal thing that feels illegal is using the Calendly links from salespeople who email me nonstop and booking them calls with each other 11:51 AM 3/9/24 From Earth 679K Views • 295 Reposts 70 Quotes 6K Likes 620 Bookmarks
  • 43
    Hernan Cortes @CyberPunkCortes "Computer, initiate catfish noodling adventure program, tomboy gf subroutine. Set Kentucky accent to maximum, safety protocols off..." XXXXXXX 5:31 PM 3/11/24 From Earth • 168K Views 622 Reposts 49 Quotes 5.6K Likes 234 Bookmarks
  • 44
    BASED SAVAGE @crackcobain_ Getting a "Can you do me a favor" text is the scariest shit ever 10:14 AM 3/7/24 From Earth 218K Views • 675 Reposts 154 Quotes
  • 45
    Andrew Nadeau @TheAndrewNadeau boeing: you can't bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane? boeing: ...IF they fall off, it won't be because of shampoo 2:14 PM 3/12/24 From Earth. 76K Views • 345 Reposts 2 Quotes 4.1K Likes 42 Bookmarks
  • 46
    Kenny King Jr ❤ @KennyKing Jr Who approved this photo? NFL Notifications @NFLNotify. 23h Does the addition of Christian Wilkins give the #Raiders the best DL in the league? @NFLNOTIFY RADERS WILKINS 94 . 4:47 PM 3/11/24 From Earth • 2.4M Views
  • 47
    M @M_Hk15 Guys I accidentally fell and shawarma fell in my mouth with extra tahini and a slice of an apple. and around 3 litres of water. Shall I carry on fasting or has Allah fed me? 1:08 PM 3/11/24 From Earth .7.1M Views 14K Reposts 1K Quotes
  • 48
    HUNCHO @huncho buying the cereal seb t @mexmichaelc3ra. 1d wyd in this situation? 10:48 PM 3/11/24 From Earth ⚫ 6.5M Views
  • 49
    Threepeat Emmy Winner Ali B @wtflanksteak hey if plane doors are flying off, i should be able to bring a full size bottle of shampoo on my flight 10:35 PM 3/11/24 From Earth 260K Views 840 Reposts 23 Quotes 12K Likes 83 Bookmarks
  • 50
    Hispanic Shaun King @okimstillhungry Today I made pan seared pork belly with a brioche bun and a reduced tomato purée

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