'She can't trust you or the friendship': Duplicitous woman hides 4-year marriage from best friend, casually slips it into conversation

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Apr 17, 2024 4:00 PM EDT

I understand the desire to elope. Weddings are massively expensive and time-consuming, and if you're a person who doesn't thrive on attention and white dresses, it might not be for you. I feel like the public perception of elopements is that they only happen for illicit reasons… like if a couple is running from something, or secretly married to someone else. But I think in reality, elopements are usually practical decisions made by couples who just don't want a wedding and don't want to talk about it. 

On the other hand, if anyone close to me chose to elope, I'd be a little disappointed. I love to celebrate my friends, and I'd be bummed at the missed opportunity. I'd be beyond bummed, though, if my best friend told me she'd been married for four years. That's soap opera-level betrayal. But that's exactly what happened to this Redditor. Read on for the juicy details. 

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  • 01
    "An elopement is a secret wedding, not a secret marriage"
    via Drew Coffman
  • 02
    020 r/AmltheAsshole u/player2-go⚫ 1h AITA for not telling my best friend that I've been married for years
    via u/player2-go
  • 03
    4 years ago I eloped with my partner and got married with no one in attendance. We are very private and didn't tell anyone. We'd been together for 5 years prior and this marriage was more of a formality for us rather than a celebration. Recently, my best friend (Meredith) and I was having a conversation about marriage where i causally mentioned that I was married and had been for years. This completely caught Meredith of guard. and it totally offended her that I'd kept this information from her.
    via u/player2-go
  • 04
    I tried to explain that the marriage decision was between myself and my partner and we hadn't excluded her on purpose we just wanted the day to be about only us. No one was invited. I also tried to explain that i hadn't told her about it in all these years because it was never a big deal to me or something I felt needed to be announced.
    via u/player2-go
  • 05
    Meredith has known myself and my partner prior to us getting married and after. We've always been close friends. I believe she is hurt that I never told her I was married in all the years we've been friends. AITA?
    via u/player2-go
  • 06
    scrapples000 • 1h Enthusiast [6] YTA. It's perfectly fine to elope and invite nobody. Your choice. It's perfectly fine for you to want to keep that information to yourself and not share with anyone. Your choice. By making that choice, however, you accept that you've excluded all of your loved ones from an aspect of your life. You're trying to blend "privacy" with "not a big deal to me". That is a lie. You wouldn't have kept it secret all these years if privacy wasn't a big deal. Then to casually
    via u/scrapples000
  • 07
    YTA. COLGkenny 1h • Certified Proctologist [29] What did I just read? I tried to explain that the marriage decision was between myself and my partner and we hadn't excluded her on purpose we just wanted the day to be about only us. No one was invited. I also tried to explain that i hadn't told her about it in all these years because it was never a big deal to me or something I felt needed to be announced. This whole paragraph is a lie. 1. You did exclude her and literally everyone else you knew
    via u/COLGkenny
  • 08
    readthethings13579 • 36m For sure. An elopement is a secret WEDDING, not a secret MARRIAGE. Most people who elope do tell their friends and family that they're married. If I found out that one of the people I thought I was closest to had a whole entire secret husband for four years, I would be really hurt by that.
    via u/readthethings13579
  • 09
    YTA MyThoughtsExactly ⚫ 1h Partassipant [1] You don't owe your friend any information. But you can't pretend that announcing a marriage is surprising or unusual to you. Hiding a marriage is in fact the surprising move. If there was no reason to hide the marriage why did it take years for it to come up in conversation with your best friend? It's a pretty big secret to keep from those closest to you. And you don't get to determine how others feel when they realized you didn't trust them and withhe
    via u/MyTh0ughtsExactly
  • 10
    Yumehayla 1h • Enthusiast [5] YTA, but for your expectations rather than your actions. It's perfectly ok to not make a big deal out of a wedding, but pretending it's not a big dil toa lot of people is wilfully stupid. Not telling your supposed best friend about a change in your relationship status announces to her that she's not important enough to you to have this information about your life. So like... what did you expect would've happen??? There was no way for your friendship to not be affect
    via u/Yumehayla
  • 11
    Louis V25 1h • Colo-rectal Surgeon [31] No judgement. You had every right to privacy BUT close relationships require intimacy. If you don't share, they will not either. I would be upset if my bestie didn't share something like that.
    via u/LouisV25
  • 12
    Longjumping-Tie-6638 • 1h YTA you don't owe anyone anything but if Meredith never speaks to you again because she can't trust you or the friendship i'd get it.
    via u/Longjumping-Tie-6638
  • 13
    Give_it_a_Bash • 42m Yeah you've tipped over into YTA. As a best-friend I'd be like 'who are you?' it would be massive sudden awkward change to the feelings I'd have because WHY?!? then I'd think about all the lies you would've told to hide it. Like this is not the first time in all those years it's come up. Even the weekend of 'hey what are you doing on the weekend?.. 'oh I'm just... insert lie', hey how was your weekend 'oh it was insert lie, shame about the weather! A best-friend gets let in.
    via u/Give_it_a_Bash
  • 14
    YTA andromache97 • 1h Professor Emeritass [76] Look, everyone is entitled to their privacy, but in real life withholding marital status is an insanely weird thing to be secret about with your best friend unless you live in a forbidden lovers' romance novel. AND if something "isn't a big deal" how does it not even just happen to come up in casual conversation over four years????? Imao
    via u/andromache97
  • 15
    SkyComplex2625 • Th Aficionado [12] YTA - but you were treating it like a big deal because you kept it a secret.
    via u/SkyComplex2625
  • 16
    Longjumping_Fix412 • 49m I eloped too because it was a second marriage for my spouse and myself. Eloping is a choice I get but to go 4 years without telling anyone is just a resounding YTA!
    via u/Longjumping_Fix412
  • 17
    Particular_Trust_944 • 1h NTAI understand why your friend is hurt but you made it clear it wasn't a big deal for you and it's entirely your decision to make.
    via u/Particular_Trust_944
  • 18
    bizianka • 1h Partassipant [2] YTA. And if I were Meredith, I'd rethink this whole so- called friendship. If this is how you treat your "best" friend, who needs friends like yourself.
    via u/bizianka

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friendship aita marriage secret wedding party best friends am i the asshole secrets marriage-drama elope wedding marriage advice wedding cake elopement friendships Reddit weddings
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