35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (June 1, 2024)

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  • 01
    K @843KT just failed a Phishing test at work cause the email was offering a uber eats coupon • 11:55 AM 5/15/24 From Earth 5.1M Views 11K Reposts 3.8K Quotes •
  • 02
    DJ R-Tistic @DJRTistic My Gen Z cousin told me I'm old because I give directions. She said "nobody my age gives directions, they just give you an address. You talking about 'make a left at the first rock"" 9:23 PM 5/20/24 From Earth · 476K Views 814 Reposts 286 Quotes 14K Likes 572 Bookmarks
  • 03
    maybe: clare @clur19 Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the "clappiest place on earth" 3:02 PM 5/18/24 From Earth 3.1M Views 4.8K Reposts 375 Quotes .
  • 04
    Nature is Amazing C @AMAZINGNATURE Someone in Florida snapped a picture of a raccoon riding a gator at the Ocala National Forest. 9:16 AM 5/13/24 From Earth 7.9M Views . 6.7K Reposts 1K Quotes 91K Likes 5.1K Bookmarks
  • 05
    Ben Wegmann ❤ @benwegmann Not y'all eating fried pirate maps 5 @fivestar. 2d My Lunch Today>>>>>>>> indian
  • 06
    EBITMA @ebitmom Looking for a man in finance 94 Poor health No living relatives 12:01 PM 5/21/24 From Earth 2.3M V • 6.5K Reposts 402 Quotes
  • 07
    Thick Grayson @thickgrayson98 "let me get that clone wars dooku" barber: say less • 5:56 PM 5/18/24 From Earth 4.1M Views 過 습
  • 08
    SE PRAISE DALE Kristi Yamaguccimane @TheWapplehouse Jesus that Young Sheldon ending was brutal URN DOWN 9:52 PM 5/16/24 From Earth 4.7M Views • 12K Reposts 369 Quotes
  • 09
    Doctor T @DoctorTBets "Must beat wolf team to play team with horse" Harrison Wind @HarrisonWind.2d ESPN 2DEN 63 3MIN 112 4TH 4:40 24 SPLAYOFFS Google Pixel WEST SEMIS DEN LEADS 3-2 9:25 AM 5/18/24 From Earth - 6.6M Views
  • 10
    Roy Wood Jr- Ex Jedi @roywoodjr Follow "I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting." Latest in space @latestinspace. 14h BREAKING : Large meteor seen streaking across the sky in Portugal ddpal 10:35 PM 5/18/24 From Earth 3.5M Views 18K Reposts 217 Quotes * Ž
  • 11
    greg✪ @greg16676935420 I ordered a triple cheeseburger with everything removed. Stay tuned to see what happens M McDonald's 1 items Subtotal 1x Triple Cheeseburger No Ketchup. No Pickle No Diced Onions No 1/10 Lb Beef. No Mustard No Regular Bun - No American Cheese. No Salt $5.39 Delivery Fee Service Fee ⑪ Estimated Tax ⑪ Dasher Tip Total 7:24 PM 5/18/24 From Earth .26M Views . 7.9K Reposts 2.1K Quotes $5.39 $0.99 $0.00 $3.00 $0.42 $11.00 $19.81
  • 12
    Satan's Niece @thekrissychula I'll never forget this call I got when I worked at a bank this lady called in as the authorized user on her husband's credit card.... BABY when she asked me what grindr was????!!... one of my lungs collapsed i took the longest pause she thought I hung up.. 1:50 AM 5/18/24 From Earth 7.2M Views 6.7K Reposts 931 Quotes
  • 13
    PRIMA PISCES @Tekiylaaa My school threw me a surprise birthday party and it scared me so I bit my mom....
  • 14
    Mountain Goober @BurnerGoob woman: marries a golfer same woman: are u doing Tour Golf @PGATUOR 1d Rory's now ex-wife allegedly wasn't happy with how Rory golfed all the time. MCILROY 63 3:35 PM 5/15/24 From Earth • 2.5M Views •
  • 15
    gaut @0xgaut Hilarious that they turned off the portal *and* added barriers so people can't reach the camera The social experiment is going well 81->
  • 16
    J TODAYINSPORTS DU TodayInSports ❤ @TodayInSports Co we're old DUCK DU 1:56 PM 5/15/24 763K Views HOME PENALTY PERIOD 1234 TIMAN VISITORS PENALTY CM 99 CKS 1 UCKS ([[ CM
  • 17
    Alex Cohen @anothercohen There are 7300 product managers in Austin in a Search Home My N People Austin, Texas Metropolitan Area Keywords 1 4 About 7,300 results Zac Solomon @ZacSolomon ⚫ 19h 2pm on a Tuesday in Austin. Work from home culture here is STRONG 12:09 AM 5/15/24 From Earth 1.4M Views 536 Reposts 48 Quotes 9.7K Likes 676 Bookmarks
  • 18
    Sekrah @sekrah Tiger out here pretending he was a dad at 2am while he was cheek clapping truck stop waitresses. GOLF Golf on CBS CES@GolfonCBS.9h Tiger Woods' advice to Scottie Scheffler as a new dad... "Get some sleep" corebridge ROLEX financial T T-MOBILE FOR BUSINESS National Car Rental SAPPHIRE LOUISVILLE, KY 闾 PGA OF AMERICA PGA PGA 20 24 PGA TIGER WOODS SET TO MAKE 23RD PGA CHAMPIONSHIP START 4-TIME PGA CHAMPIONSHIP WINNER (3RD-MOST BEHIND HAGEN/NICKLAUS, 5) MLB 10 NATIONALS (19-20) CBS SP
  • 19
    Dividend Hero @HeroDividend Me: I want to watch a movie AMC: yep Me: ...and eat buttered popcorn AMC: yeah nw we got you bro Me: also weird q but do you know where to turn $5 into $1.5 million overnight AMC: buddy ur not gonna believe this . 8:59 AM 5/14/24 From Earth 720K Views 328 Reposts 9 Quotes 8.7K Likes 134 Bookmarks
  • 20
    jordan @jdan [Asking GPT-40 to analyze a CSV so I don't get fired in 4 hours] GPT-40: Hahaha omg stoppppp you are so sweet . Before we get into it - how's everything, handsome? 9:45 AM 5/14/24 From Earth 512K Views • 632 Reposts 42 Quotes 12K Likes 467 Bookmarks
  • 21
    tate @50FirstTates me, driving at 3am: so fun cool adventure. me, seeing another car at 3am: what the are u up to u shady 4:31 PM 5/13/24 From Earth • 87K Views 440 Reposts 12 Quotes 5K Likes 103 Bookmarks
  • 22
    Matt Margolis @ItsMattsLaw Follow Red Lobster: KTLA 5 KTLA @KTLA.1d Buffalo Wild Wings offering all-you-can-eat wings and fries deal for limited-time trib.al/CkKKMpC 5:10 PM 5/21/24 From Earth 515K Views • . 966 Reposts 9 Quotes 11K Likes 159 Bookmarks
  • 23
    Chris Bakke X @ChrisJBakke Every Sunday I go to Costco and look for people pulling up in $125,000 cars who stand in line for 22 minutes to return a $8.99 item. I'll ask them where they work and then go long the stock. I'm up 271% this year. 6:42 PM 5/19/24 From Earth • 2M Views
  • 24
    gaut @0xgaut This is called exiting the matrix Experience Goose farmer Self-employed Jul 2023 - Present 10 mos On-site Microsoft 22 yrs 4 mos Principal Performance Architect Full-time Jul 2022 - Jul 2023 - 1 yr 1 mo Chehalis, Washington, United States Principal Software Development Engineer Apr 2001 Jul 2022 21 yrs 4 mos Redmond, WA Azure Performance Team, August 2017 - Present Office 365 Foundation Engineering... see more 6:07 PM 5/19/24 From Earth 460K Views
  • 25
    K Tribu @Whotfismick me when I'm on a call with someone K ㄨㄚˋˋˋ K kk والا
  • 26
    Arrogant Colored L @ArrogantAde This is absolutely a classic tweet. pastor matt @MonsieurMatt25 The Joker in the Dark Knight woulda had no leverage on me talking bout some Maggie Gyllenhall boy set the block on fire idc 6:32 PM 12/8/20 Twitter for iPhone 1,488 Retweets 634 Quote Tweets 4,913 Likes 10:13 PM · 5/22/24 From Earth · 1.8M Views 3.9K Reposts 288 Quotes
  • 27
    Talbu @Whotfismick Your girl when she doesn't like what she ordered 12:30 PM 5/18/24 From Earth 4.3M Views 3.9K Reposts 440 Quotes •
  • 28
    Amy A @lolennui Australian crime shows are like oh naurrr there's been a meerda 11:30 AM 5/22/24 From Earth 538K Views . 591 Reposts 70 Quotes 6.5K Likes 267 Bookmarks
  • 29
    Fat White @reddirtgatekpr My man looks like if he had a great fall it would take all the kings horses and all the kings men to put him back together again New York Sports Deserve Better @NYSD....2d BREAKING The police officer who arrested Scottie Scheffler.
  • 30
    FLEA @babyibeenajoint Don't buy anything from this guy. He was selling boneless wings and a drink. And this is what I got. Charged me $15 up front. I tried getting a refund and he blocked me and said "Take me to Judge Judy". I just wanted wings STEVEN TATTL Steven Tattz 105 mutual friends Skilled tattoo artist, dm to book, Insta-@tattzbysteven • Friends Message ... Posts Photos Reels Details 8:54 PM 5/21/24 From Earth 5.6M Views 2.2K Reposts 2.4K Quotes .
  • 31
    MULBERRY ST NOLITA DIRTBAG @DirtbagNolita life with no parole LAMAR INJURY LAW WELCOME TO BROOKLYN. MY HOOD IS YOUR HOOD. YURRRRRRRRR!!! 800 PAIN-LAW- AR H&G HARRIS KEENAN & GOLDFARB ATTORNEYS AT LAW 23 9:39 AM 5/23/24 1.7M Views
  • 32
    Ace Boogie ✔ @CarpeRugs NStuff Im chilling at shorty crib and i think her son got a problem with me
  • 33
    america's lounge singer @KrangTNelson I can't explain it but this guy looks like when your gf tells you that you're gonna meet her friend's boyfriend and you're gonna love him and then you meet him and he . that's this guy PIndiana Pacers @Pacers • 1d DIANA 9
  • 34
    Massimo @Rainmaker1973 A map of sitcoms in NYC NYC SITCOM MAP Seinfeld Jeffersons In The City I Love Lucy Diff'rent Strokes Odd Couple 30 Rock My Two Dads Friends All In The Family Dear John Barney Miller King of Queens Taxi Spin City Night Court Cosby Show Patty Duke Everybody Hates Chris Living Single Welcome Back, Kotter The Honeymooners 8:11 AM 5/23/24 From Earth .2M Views •
  • 35
    River Page @river_is_nice The Irish gene pool makes men who look a bit like lesbian aunts. Not a judgement, just an observation. PE E . 1:20 PM 5/22/24 1.5M Views 1.1K Reposts 225 Quotes 29K Likes 1.6K Bookmarks

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