SAHM is Fed Up with Husband's Condescending Comments about the Difficulty of Housework, Her MIL Feeds the Fire: ‘He wasn't like this when I had a full-time job’

Author image for Lana DeGaetano
Lana DeGaetano • "Show me to me please."
Jul 14, 2024 7:00 PM EDT

Welcome back to another episode of husbands assuming being a full-time mother is easy. Spoiler alert: it's not.

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  • It's nothing new when you see another story of a husband assuming that taking care of multiple children, housework, and cooking is an easy job. Every time I see a fellow woman post about her super-mom abilities being diminished, the little voice in the back of my head is saying “let's see him try to do half of what you do every day.” Some husbands don't even recognize that women also need a life of their own outside of motherhood; grabbing rosé with the gals or partaking in some much-needed retail therapy are a few ways to take hold of oneself (and have some fun, too).

    The woman in this story is angelic in nature, complaining about nothing (even when she should be—SAHM does not equate to housekeeper). Since her and her husband's agreement to take care of two biological children and one stepchild came to fruition, he's been making comments about how she sits around and does nothing all day. Or when her mother-in-law asks how she's handling things, he answers for her with an antagonizing tone. After the woman snaps at her husband for these reasons, the MIL tells her that she shouldn't argue in front of her. Between having a condescending husband and a parasitical mother-in-law who won't leave her alone, the woman turns to the internet. She unsurprisingly has many fans rooting for her empowerment.

  • 01
    My 28F husband 33M keeps dismissing my efforts as a SAHM and now he's upset with me for snapping in front of his family?
    via Throwrasahm028
  • 02
    I'm using a throwaway account for privacy reasons since my SIL follows. my main account. My husband 33M and I 28F have been married for 4 years and we have two kids. A 3 year old and 8 month old. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who stays with us on weekends. I love her and take care of her too because he doesn't even clean up after himself. Let alone do anything
    via Throwrawsahm028
  • 03
    for one of the kids. I became a SAHM after our second child was born because my husband suggested it would be best for our family. The last 2 months have been a lot. Whenever someone from our family or friends compliments me on something I did or asks how I'm managing everything. He throws in these comments. He'll say things like "She's got plenty of time to keep the house spotless"
    via Throwrasahm028
  • 04
    On top of that he's constantly complaining about how hard it is to be the sole provider. I really understand and try to make things as easy for him at home as possible. I make sure the house is clean, the kids are taken care of and dinner is ready. But I do everything at home too and I feel tired. most days as well but I never complain this much. I work part-time as a tutor to still feel like I contribute financially a little and to have some spending money of my own.
    via Throwrasahm028
  • 05
    Few days ago we were at his parents house and his sister asked how I'm handling things. Before I could answer he said "She's doing great. She should be. She's got nothing else to do all day"
    via Throwrasahm028
  • 06
    I told him right there in front of his family that just because I don't have a traditional job now doesn't mean I do nothing. I mentioned how hurtful his comments have been lately and how unappreciated I feel. His mother immediately started lecturing me about how I shouldn't talk to him like that especially in front of others.
    via Throwrasahm028
  • 07
    I haven't apologized to him yet and I'm not sure how to approach him about this without it turning into another fight. I love him but I need him to understand how much his words are hurting me.
    via Throwrasahm028
  • 08
    Edit: He wasn't like this when I had a full time job and shared financial responsibilities equally. I love my kids and I'd do anything for my family. But honestly I can't remember the last time I had a day to myself. There's always something that needs to be done. Whether it's at home or running errands. I'm also starting to consider blocking my MIL
    via Throwrasahm028
  • 09
    because she texts me everyday now to ask how we're doing and tell me how I should handle thing. It's frustrating because she should be talking to her son about this too. I wouldn't have snapped if he hadn't said that in front of them.
    via Throwrasahm028
  • 10
    pitathegreat • 16h ago You're framing this as if it's a communication problem. Like there's a special collection of words that you need to find so that he can understand your feelings. The problem isn't communication. The problem is that you're married to an
    via pitathegreat
  • 11
    If you really want to communicate, ask him what he feels the need to constantly point out that you have "nothing to do." Ask him what he hopes to achieve with those comments. Why did he say that in front of his mother? He's not going to give you good answers, however, because he's an
    via pitathegreat
  • 12
    The real advice here is to go back to work. I'm a good deal older than you and have watched time and time again the fallout from someone making themselves dependent on another (I'm not just talking about divorce - I know more than one very young widow). He doesn't see you as a partner. He's saying out loud that you're not a partner and what you are doing isn't important. Go back to work and demand to be treated as an equal.
    via pitathegreat
  • 13
    End060915 · 20h ago • Do not apologize to him and his mom can go herself. It's OK to say that to you in front of others but you can't stand up for yourself when he is dismissing you? Absolutely not! Honestly go back to work full time and make a plan to leave this man-child because it probably won't get better since his mom has clearly always coddled him.
    via End060915
  • 14
    Head_Flatworm_6298 • 20h ago You mean you have three kids? What does this man bring to the table aside from being the sole provider that he wanted to be? You want to apologize for responding in front of his family? good. But he owes you a few apologies too.
    via Head_Flatworm_6298
  • 15
    Ok-Point4302 • 19h ago He didn't want you to be a SAHM because it was better for the family, he wanted it because he felt like it would give him power over you and allow him to treat 1. What a terrible you like example for the kids. I don't think it's really fixable; sounds like he was barely doing anything for his existing child before, and you knew that before you had kids with him. Find child care, go back to work, and make plans to leave.
    via Ok-Point4302
  • 16
    • Apprehensive-Owl4635 16h ago He should apologize to YOU for minimizing your contributions to the household and putting you down in front of others. It kind of sounds like becoming a SAHM is not what's best for your marriage. Your husband is using it against you. Go back to work and split all the household and childcare tasks 50/50. Perhaps then he will be more appreciative.
    via Apprehensive-Owl4635
  • 17
    • Marjan58 16h ago First, his mother should stay out of it. I notice you didn't mention his mother defending you when he made his comment. You are right, you should block his mother. But first, text her that her son hasn't got a clue what needs doing or what gets done. She will tell him what you texted, he will probably come home complaining. Maybe you can discuss things then. Maybe you just get a f/t job and tell him you have to split the housework and the kids. have to go to daycare now.
    via Marjan58
  • 18
    AffectionateBite3827 15h ago • Go back to work. This is clearly not best for your family because he's treating you poorly because he thinks he can and you are a member of the family. Plus when this goes sideways you will want to have your own income and be able to support your kids on your own. His mom can shove it, tbh. She can text all she wants but if you don't need to respond if she's just asking how you are or offering unsolicited advice.
    via AffectionateBite3827
  • 19
    crazymastiff 15h ago • From an outside perspective, I think there's a lot of resentment. He doesn't see all you do because he's not there to see you do it. He comes home and magically everything is done. All he sees is himself working and not being with the kids while you stay home all day.
    via crazymastiff
  • 20
    It may be best if you have a conversation about you returning to work and explain to him that you will need to put the kids in childcare and hire a housekeeper with the money you bring in. This may be enough to snap him back. into reality for him to understand all you do and your monetary contribution as a SAHM to your husband. But don't apologize. needs to apologize to you. that. He
    via crazymastiff
  • 21
    . ypranch 14h ago You might try a reality check financially on him. Start looking up full-time childcare for both your kids. Start looking maid service once a week. Start looking up meal delivery weekly rates. Take all those rates, tally it up, and present to him.. Then start looking for jobs again. Compare what you'll earn, plus his salary to what you'll pay for all of the above.
    via ypranch
  • 22
    PrincessBella1 • 13h ago He wanted the new version of the "trad wife". Someone who would take care of the house and children, along with a full-time job and now that there is less money, he is upset. You and he need to I have an adult conversation rather than all of these snide comments to find why he is acting this way. And go back to work so that you aren't dependent on him.
    via PrincessBella1
  • 23
    dembowthennow 14h ago He's ringing a bell and that bell is making it Loud and Clear that this man now thinks he can talk down to, diminish and control you now that you no longer have your own income. This is not a good situation for you. This is not viable over the long term. This isn't an issue of "miscommunication," it's straight up disrespect. Get thee another job with all haste and speed or you will soon regret it.
    via dembowthennow
  • 24
    Restless_Dragon 12h ago Your husband is an and simple. plain Your mother-in-law needs to shut the up. If she continues to make comments to you tell her if he insults you in front of everyone you're going to respond in front of everyone. If that upsets her maybe she should have raised her son to have some manners.
    via Restless_Dragon
  • 25
    RickRussellTX • 13h ago Sounds like it's time for the SAHM to take a vacation. Tell him you need a week alone to think about whether the marriage is working any more, then watch him scramble to praise your homemmaking abilities.
    via RickRussellTX

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relationship advice family drama sahm drama toxic married with children mother motherhood reddit story relationships husband mother in law Reddit children entitled people
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