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Controlling MIL Tries to Dictate Women's Post-Birth Journey Through Nonstop Antagonization, Wondering How to Move Forward: ‘She has a victimization mindset’

"He then has the audacity to tell me to put on a smile." - OP about her husband

Posted by Lana DeGaetano
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  • For many ladies, the idea of giving birth can be quite an uncomfortable one. Of course, we're eager to get our little mini-mes out into the world, but we're not eager to experience everything that comes along with the process. Long hospital stays, lots of bodily discomfort, and possibly having people around you while it's happening that you really don't want around. Pregnancy hormones can make us feel more emotional and short-circuited, so it's important that we surround ourselves with safe people in safe spaces. This does not include a nagging mother-in-law who thinks she knows how to be a mother more than you.

    The woman in this story has just given birth, and her MIL is constantly riding her coattails. Including but not limited to: telling her how to take care of the baby, what emotions she can and can't feel (despite having negative postpartum feelings), and even going so far as to tag along with the woman's husband to pick her and the newborn baby up from the hospital. Feeling suffocated and defeated, the newbie mom is under a lot of stress and ultimately has what you can consider a falling out with the MIL. They seem to mend things (kind of), but the woman wants nothing to do with her. The husband has flip-flopped between sides, so tell us who's in the right. Team new mom all the way!

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  • 1
    How can my husband 33M and I 27F move on from my MIL gaslighting me after I gave birth?
    Via 2000_skies
  • 2
    TLDR: My MIL (Anne) visited my husband (Jake) and I while we became new parents - which ended up being a disastrous experience. Turns out she is a controlling, toxic, and dysfunctional person that had unreasonable expectations of how I should be after giving birth. Jake was stuck in the middle. Jake and I are traumatized and we don't know how to move forward from what happened.
    Via 2000_skies
  • 3
    When I found out that I was pregnant, I invited Anne to visit Jake and I after I give birth because I thought it was a nice gesture for her to spend more time with Jake and her first grandchild since she lives on the other side of the country. She
    Via 2000_skies
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  • 4
    agreed and suggested that I follow the one month post healing plan that is a tradition in eastern cultures. The whole idea behind this plan is to give the mother who just gave birth a month time to heal, rest, eat, and
    Via 2000_skies
  • 5
    nurse her baby. There are restrictions for example, having a restricted diet, not going outside, or washing your hair with plain water (but with ginger root water) in which I agreed to these terms. She said she'll cook the meals for me. Great.
    Via 2000_skies
  • 6
    So then we arranged for her to visit for two weeks and I assured her I would complete the plan after she left. However, somewhere along the lines she thought it was appropriate for her
    Via 2000_skies
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  • 7
    to extend her stay from 2 to 6 weeks. I was uneasy when Jake told me but he reassured me that it would be better for her to help me anyway because I could focus on caring for our newborn.
    Via 2000_skies
  • 8
    While I was preparing to get discharged from the hospital, I ended up waiting two hours for Jake to come back because he had problems installing the car seat and being the middle of winter, the weather was also an
    Via 2000_skies
  • 9
    issue. I was extremely agitated at this point because my hormones were a mess, my body was still aching from the delivery, I was hungry, and exhausted from sleeping on hospital beds. Then low and hold, Anne comes in the
    Via 2000_skies
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  • 10
    door with Jake. I couldn't keep all my feelings from showing on my face and I gave Jake a RBF because I really wanted to go home and by him bringing her, it was another thing I had to deal with. He then has the audacity to tell me to put on a smile. I knew he wanted me to lighten up and meant well, but livid. I was
    Via 2000_skies
  • 11
    We arrive home and I didn't know I had this in me but I yelled "FINE, I'll wear the hat" at Jake and Anne because she was pestering me to wear it because it was apparently one of the rules I had to follow - which was not part of the original plan. I felt
    Via 2000_skies
  • 12
    embarrassed for losing my cool. Meanwhile my sister came to visit and Anne grabbed my sister and started bawling saying that she doesn't feel welcomed when my frustration was because Jake mishandled the hospital discharge and me feeling terrible after delivery.
    Via 2000_skies
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  • 13
    So then I apologized to her because while I knew she was on the sensitive side, she meant well. HOWEVER, during this apology, she had the audacity to lecture me I needed to better regulate my emotions and expressions. . I just gave birth and struggling with postpartum. But I kept telling myself "it's okay, it'll be over soon".
    Via 2000_skies
  • 14
    It wasn't okay and everything went from bad to being nightmare. One thing led to another from 1. Informing me of additional "rules" I had no idea about beforehand to 2. Finding out she cleaned the master bedroom without my consent to 3. Feeding MY baby formula at the amount she thought was appropriate because his lips
    Via 2000_skies
  • 15
    were still moving (even though my goal was to exclusively breastfeed) to 4. Saying I could start exercising 2 weeks postpartum to 5. Wanting a newborn baby to sleep on his stomach to pass gas (which is dangerous because it can lead to sudden infant syndrome) to 6. Making me feel like for having postpartum
    Via 2000_skies
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  • 16
    and crying because "staying positive is a choice after giving birth" I felt trapped in my own home because Anne was a control freak who had virtually no empathy and was in my space ALL. THE. TIME. And even though I expressed my frustration to Jake, nothing was resolved because Anne felt like because she came from a place of love that our boundaries weren't important. And I felt like he didn't have the mental or
    Via 2000_skies
  • 17
    emotional capacity to be 100% honest with Anne because of the fatigue of working a full time job, going grocery shopping 3-4 times a week, and helping me care for our newborn baby throughout the night. The friction between her and us got worse day by day with her stay ended with yelling at Jake at the top of her lungs in front of me that he wasn't thoughtful to her like not asking her what she wanted to eat (even though he
    Via 2000_skies
  • 18
    would have no problem buying whatever she wanted to eat). And that he was disrespectful because he wasn't always facially expressing gratitude to her (such as smiling). At this point, Jake was deeply embarrassed and upset because imagine being in your thirties and getting humiliated in front of your wife by no fault of your own. Anne then slammed the door and went out for 6 hours for that day and the next without telling us
    Via 2000_skies
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  • 19
    where she went to in a city she's unfamiliar with, which is completely irresponsible of her because what if something happened to her? Anyway, she also didn't say good bye to us before leaving with an Uber to the airport. Once Anne arrived back home, I chose to be the bigger person and sent her pictures of her grandchild. She would respond by sending heart emojis. However, she would forward
    Via 2000_skies
  • 20
    them to Jake and ask questions that I could answer like what solids are we giving, how much, etc. The last straw was on Mother's Day when she chose to ignore me the entire call - not even a happy Mother's Day to me. So then I delegated sending pictures to Jake because she was being disrespectful. This all happened in January and we only called/FaceTimed Anne on Mother's Day. All other communication has been through
    Via 2000_skies
  • 21
    text. Although we know she would appreciate seeing our baby, she's too toxic for us to connect with her in a healthy way. I will add that I also speak poorly of her in front of Jake when she's brought up in conversation. I'm not proud of it but it is how i cope with feeling incredibly disrespected. Jake says he understands but I know he feels terrible deep down because Anne is still his mother at the end of the day.
    Via 2000_skies
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  • 22
    Now in present day, Jake wants to visit his side of the family later this year and I'm absolutely dreading it. I don't hate Anne, but I have lost respect for her because of how she's handled this whole situation. But because she has a victimization mindset, she will only continue to display dysfunction, pride, and toxicity towards Jake and I. As a result, I dread having to deal with her when we visit and personally don't want anything to do with her.
    Via 2000_skies
  • 23
    But Jake has expressed that it's important to him that our baby has a positive relationship with Anne. I told Jake that I would be on board as long as Anne is reasonable. But because both Jake and I are traumatized by Anne, we need advice on how to move forward. Thanks in advance.
    Via 2000_skies

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relationship advice baby entitled parents mother wife new mother reddit story relationships husband entitled people karma mother in law birth entitled reddit thread Reddit entitled people

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