'I am mourning my past self': New mom gets real on TikTok about the postpartum 'existential crisis' no one talks about, finds support from other women in the comments

Author image for Elna McHilderson
Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Aug 3, 2024 11:00 PM EDT

"I am SO worried that I'm never going to feel anything but the weight of my love for her love again…"

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  • Having a baby is not an easy task, to say the least. It is a life-altering decision for both mom and dad. However, mothers truly have to experience an array of emotions that the other parent can't possibly fathom. Postpartum, or “the baby blues,” is no joke. The hormonal changes pre-, during, and post-giving birth are so intense, that sometimes it's difficult to even grasp reality. 

    One new mama took to TikTok to find support with the moms that follow her. She confesses that all of the books, classes, videos, etc. didn't prepare her for the existential crisis that came with postpartum. After having her baby she was prepared to be physically exhausted and give herself grace for parenting fumbles because it's hard to tread the waters of being a new parent. What she felt nobody prepared her for, though, was the “soul-crushing recking" that she will never be the same person again. The love for her baby is overwhelming and she says she has so much joy. But she also wants to warn other new moms to be prepared to “mourn” the person they were before their baby.

    So, she created a beautifully raw and honest confessional video of her personal baby blues in hopes others can relate and feel less alone. Also to get support for herself during this very emotionally intense time. 

  • 01
    8 Okay. I'm not sure how I'm gonna feel about this video in a few days, but I feel like my following is almost 100% women, and I just have to come on here and talk about what I'm feeling postpartum...
    via lilybchapman
  • 02
    I expected to be tired. I expected it to be hard. I am kind of tired, and it is kind of hard, but she's a very easy baby. But what I did not expect was the absolute soul- crushing reckoning of the idea that I will never be the same person.
    via lilybchapman
  • 03
    4 I literally feel like I have changed overnight into this, like, completely new person. I've never had anxiety before. And, like, the first five days of her life, I feel, like, have been so exciting, so loving, and also just a constant stream of terror.
    via lilybchapman
  • 04
    And I don't know if I just have, like, a different for-you page than everyone, but, like, I didn't know to expect that. I didn't know to expect to be so worried about something all the time. I'm so worried about her.
    via lilybchapman
  • 05
    And I think that's normal. I think, you know, that mixed with everything else is probably the baby blues that they tell you about. But I thought that was gonna be, like. And this is so naive. I thought that was going to be, like, when you're on your period and Starbucks is out of your favorite drink and you start crying because they were like, "expect some weepiness."
    via lilybchapman
  • 06
    [But] I am, like... Mourning my past self. I am mourning the version of me that existed prior to this little girl.
    via lilybchapman
  • 07
    1882 And I love her SO much, [but] I'm so worried that I'm never gonna feel anything but the weight of my love for her again...
    via lilybchapman
  • 08
    Which, as I say it out loud, I can recognize, is almost definitely just baby blues. I'm five days postpartum. But the thing is, you can know that something is a hormonal shift, and it still feels very real.
    via lilybchapman
  • 09
    So, because lots of young women follow me and because I keep seeing comments that | are like, "oh, my God, this gives me such baby fever!"...
    via lilybchapman
  • 10
    I am a different person than I was five days ago, and I just wish that I had gone into this maybe knowing that an existential shift was going to happen.
    via lilybchapman
  • 11
    4 And I'm so glad it did. And I believe that I will feel more like myself soon and that these feelings will lighten and I will discover or rediscover my lightness in life. But that is not the case right now...
    via lilybchapman
  • 12
    And my feelings are very heavy. And I sob ten times a day over, like... I listened to a song, and I remember listening to a song when I was [pregnant]. [It's] a happy song, but I remember listening to it... And like I feel so sad for that version of myself because I feel like I'm never gonna have her back...
    via lilybchapman
  • 13
    PROPP So having a baby is a lot but also, it's not just being tired, it's not just like, "oh I don't get | sleep." It is mourning the version of yourself that existed before you had this kid.
    via lilybchapman
  • 14
    4 882 I think hopefully other people recognize themselves in that experience and can tell me that they experienced something similar.
    via lilybchapman
  • 15
    I'm hoping that this lightens up over the next couple of weeks. If you had similar sentiments please tell me because I'm just telling myself that this is normal and going to go away or at least change...
    via lilybchapman
  • 16
    Also, for the record, she is perfect and brings me SO much joy and she's been asleep for 4 hours. She loves to sleep which is awesome.
    via lilybchapman
  • 17
    Sam "'im so worried that i'm never going to feel anything but the weight of her love again" is so poetically beautiful and i remember saying something just like that 1d ago 22.2K Reply
    via dietxsl*t
  • 18
    TheTypical.Chick Baby blues absolutely minimizes the postpartum experience so that women feel isolated when they experience something different. Sharing is so important for all of us so thank you. 1d ago 2404 Reply
    via briana.419
  • 19
    janedoelovely It's real. It's like you suddenly are split & exist in 2 bodies and you'll never get back the part of you that now exists in your child. It does get better, but you will never be an individual again 1d ago 3525 Reply
    via janedoelovely
  • 20
    Sam Oh yes! It was a hard transition for me too with my first! It fades away!!!! And 1-2 is a way more chill transition 1d ago 763 Reply lilybchapman • Creator I have been thinking of you and your videos SO much the last few days. This comment made me feel so much better thank you! 1d ago 359 Reply
    via shawtgal49
  • 21
    Keila it gets better, it's just the overwhelming rush of new hormones. you got this mama C++ 1d ago 8458 Reply
    via keiilamichelle
  • 22
    re2thomp It's so interesting you're coming to this realization now because this thought is a reoccurring one for me in my decision to not likely have kids. Like I don't *think* I'm willing to give up myself 1d ago 1325 Reply
    via re2thomp
  • 23
    Flaur STUDOS flavrstudios You're going through a rebirth growing pains girl! You're doing amazing. Magical changes happening ++ 1d ago 2620 Reply
    via flavrstudios
  • 24
    Kayla Marie This is absolutely normal and also the best i've heard this feeling articulated. this feeling does get lighter and you will continue to mourn yourself but you start finding joy in your new self. 1d ago 723 Reply
    via kaylaaafoley
  • 25
    Stefanie Conway I felt so lonely and homesick every afternoon for 2 weeks. Like sobbing because i loved her and my husband so much but feeling so alone 1d ago ♡77 Reply
    via stefconway
  • 26
    Belljpflowers Grieving your past self is completely normal, life is different now. But all these feelings will get better with time ☑ as a first time mom myself I felt this exact way. Now a year later all is better 1d ago 182 Reply
    via belljpflowers
  • 27
    LG Honestly this is very true. They don't tell you about anything. PPD and PPA or even PP rage. I had terrible anxiety my 1st time and terrible rage my 2nd time. You morn yourself so much. It's a tough adjustment for the brain and heart. Your heart just grew twice the size. It's normal to feel how you feel, and I know saying that doesn't really help. Take it 1 day at a time and know you aren't lost just growing. Sending you some love. M 1d ago 38 Reply
    via keepingitkeesha
  • 28

    Watch Full Video:

    via lilybchapman

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womanhood raw motherhood supportive mothers dads existential crisis witty parents matrescence kids toddlers supportive helpful motherhood moms motherly love parenting real motherhood mother advice new parents new mom mom advice support for moms newborn baby blues mom girlhood postpartum reality postpartum parents new mother advice Reality Check
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