Woman Finds Out That Her Husband of 9 Years Got Cold Feet Before the Wedding, Tainting Her Marriage and Memory of the Special Day

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  • 01
    r/relationship_advice u/throwra-Hat-7371 • 3h My (35f) husband (34m) is upset I donated my wedding dress? How to tell him I don't want to be reminded of our wedding?
  • 02
    A few months ago I found out my husband got cold feet at our weddding. We have been married for 9 years, dating for 12, and I thought they were happy years.
  • 03
    My FIL drunkenly admitted that my husband had fled the morning of the wedding with the help of his friends. My FIL got wind of this and dragged him back and told him to either marry me or tell me he didn't want to but not to leave me at the altar. He chose to get married.
  • 04
    I had no idea about this. My wedding was a very special day. I felt beautiful and extremely happy. I knew my husband was a bit tipsy but he had reassured me it was just nerves I felt completely numb. I talked with other members of the family and with my husband. He admitted that he fled because he was afraid of the future and what ifs. He didn't want to marry me but he didn't want to embarrass me either.
  • 05
    We have a framed picture of me at our wedding before the ceremony. I know now there is no similar picture of my husband because he had left. We also have my wedding dress in the closet. The wedding was one of the few times I felt beautiful. I'm much plainer than his exes but love made me glow. But now I just see a naive woman.
  • 06
    I walk past the wedding picture every day thinking about it. I can't open my closet without seeing the wedding dress in its sealed bag. I tried hiding them but I kept thinking about it. I didn't want to be reminded. So I threw away the picture. I donated the wedding dress. Some bride will feel absolutely beautiful in it. That gives me happiness.
  • 07
    My husband saw that the framed picture was missing. I admitted I threw it out and donated the wedding dress. He completely shut down. How do I reiterate to him I don't want any reminders of the wedding? I hope some bride out there will give the dress a new happiness 1,363 370
  • 08
    Outside-Ad-1677 • 2h I don't think this is about the dress. This is about the fact you believe your marriage is built on a lie because he fled and thus everything subsequent is tainted. You two need a neutral third party to help you navigate all of these extremely strong and valid feelings. Marriage counseling/therapy to help you rebuild the trust of the relationship or help you decide if you want to leave the marriage. ... ← Reply 2.1k
  • 09
    throwra-Hat-7371 OP 2h It is and it isn't about the dress. I don't want any reminders of my wedding or how stupid and blind I was or how so many people knew. We need therapy 836
  • 10
    Sensimya • 1h Well you're married to him. He is a reminder of that day. That day is a literal representation of your relationship, which I imagine is in shambles right now. That day is a brick in the foundation of the last 9 years of your life. Y'all need therapy. There is no way to navigate this without it. 485
  • 11
    actualchristmastree • 2h "I feel unwanted and hurt now that I know you left on our wedding day. I do not want to remember that day and I don't know what to do going forward " ← Reply 107
  • 12
    Tamika_Olivia • 3h I think this is bigger than pictures and dresses. I think this is bigger than the wedding. Those are distractions from the bigger issue: your marriage. I think you need to reckon with how this information impacts how you feel about being married to him. But that is too big and scary, so you are focusing on these other things.
  • 13
    You had to know that throwing away the picture and donating the dress were likely to hurt him. Maybe that was your goal, maybe not. But it couldn't have been a fact unconsidered. You and your husband need to have a serious talk about your marriage. Reply 21.1k ♡
  • 14
    throwra-Hat-7371 OP. 3h I don't know what to think about our marriage. I am grappling with the fact it may be a lie. I just didn't want to be reminded of my wedding. I didn't know he would react like this or that it would matter so much to him. Since it was my dress, I wanted someone else to have a happy day in the gown. 363
  • 15
    T-Flexercise • 2h I mean, I don't think he's upset about your dress. He's upset because seeing you get rid of the dress is making it clear to him how much this has shaken you and made you doubt your marriage. ... 386
  • 16
    Brave_anonymous1 • 2h . Directly. Tell him what you wrote here: you don't want any reminders about your wedding day around. It was one of the best days in your life so you cherished the photo and the dress. Now all they remind you of is that he fled and didn't want to marry you. It hurts. So you got rid of them.
  • 17
    Or just let him read the post. I am so sorry. It was really cruel and cowardly of him. You both need couples therapy, or at least you need individual therapy to understand what to do with it. It will eat you alive otherwise. ← Reply 133
  • 18
    SpiderByt3s • 2h How was your marriage before all this came to light? Reply û 22 ♡ D
  • 19
    throwra-Hat-7371 OP • 2h It was seemingly happy. I don't know now 30
  • 20
    Morpheus_MD • 1h It was seemingly happy. I don't know now Not to diminish your pain, however if your marriage has been a happy one, I don't see how the fact that he got cold feet on the wedding day makes your marriage "a lie." You're obviously hurt, and I understand why you feel like you don't want reminders of your wedding, but that was one day in 9 years of marriage.
  • 21
    Unless there are red flags here you aren't telling us about, it sounds like he has been a good husband for the past 9 years and is ashamed that he basically had a panic attack on your wedding day. And now he feels like that one mistake has ruined your entire marriage and your happy life.
  • 22
    You need marriage counseling urgently, and also probably individual counseling. I can see how throwing away the picture was cathartic for you, but you had to know it would hurt him. 27 ♡
  • 23
    Ecstatic-Buzz • 2h His father didn't pressure him to marry OP; she wrote that he was given a choice: marry her or tell her no, but don't leave her standing there alone. - I think what he did was immature and offensive, but hopefully he married her then stayed married for almost a decade - because he loves her. 47
  • 24
    shebebutlittle555 • 2h Yeah, he's allowed to have cold feet, but holy running out on the wedding is next-level. The only reason why he didn't completely ghost her at the altar is that his dad told him no. I would have a very, very difficult time accepting the fact that my husband, a grown man, had to be forced to marry me by Daddy. Like not only would that break my heart, it would completely destroy my image of my partner as an adult. And that's really not something I could get past. ← 182
  • 25
    Ecstatic-Buzz • 3h Tell him the truth. He was allowed to have cold feet and you're allowed to dislike the memory of it. I can't imagine he would tell you otherwise considering his own behavior. Reply 167

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