Snobby stepmom is 'embarrassed' by 12-year-old stepdaughter's nonconformist habits, refuses to take her to the mall: 'You couldn't possibly come off as more condescending'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Sep 20, 2024 3:00 PM EDT

Everyone is allowed to have their own preferences, and that includes physical appearance. It means something different to everyone. Some people put a lot of stock into what they look like, and take immense pride in it. And for some situations and jobs, this is important. There are still plenty of pockets of society where it matters what kind of bag you're wearing, whether the rest of us think that's okay or not. But not everyone has to care what they look like. We're allowed to spend our precious time occupied by other things. 

But it can be difficult when these two types of personality clash, like with this stepmom and daughter, who have different outlooks on how you should present yourself. But the stepmom ultimately crossed a line when she told her husband she didn't want to be seen with his daughter. Read on for the story and see what you think.

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    Cheezburger Image 10405918464
    via Julia Caesar

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story

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    AITA for telling my husband his daughter is embarrassing me?
    via u/HotPomelo552
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    Yesterday I (30F) was chilling at home with my MIL, talking and drinking coffee. When husband (37M) arrived, he asked me if I would take his daughter (12F) shopping for a dress.
    via u/HotPomelo552
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    A little bit of context, when he was younger my husband had a relationship with a woman, let's call her Sarah and they had Mary their daughter. He was having his rebel phase, going against his parents with this relationship but it did not last. He realized they are way too different as individuals and broke up when Mary was 3. I met my
    via u/HotPomelo552
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    husband 6 years ago and we got married 4 years ago. Our relationship is amazing and I get along extremely well with my in laws. I was immediately accepted into the family and my MIL treats and introduces me to people as her daughter. As you can imagine this has caused a lot of drama with Sarah because she never received the same treatment from the family but truthfully speaking she is not someone you wish to have in your social circle.
    via u/HotPomelo552
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    Mary and I get along good. Everyone is on the same page that she has a mother and that I am not trying to replace her, I am just her father's wife. However she spends most of her time with her mom and Sarah is teaching her extreme hippy bs like she should not abide by the expectations society has on women, she should not feel
    via u/HotPomelo552
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    pressured to act, look or behave as what society considers acceptable and so on. Mary therefore is allowed by her mom to not shower for days in a row, wear dirty clothes, not brush her teeth or hair. This has become her way of living because she refuses to shower or dress properly all the time. It pains me to say but she could pass as a homeless child if you see her on the street due to her appearance.
    via u/HotPomelo552
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    Back to yesterday, 1 month from now the entire family will attend a gala where my husband will receive an award. It's an important moment in his career and he asked me if I will go with his daughter to buy a dress for the event. I told him honestly that I prefer not to. I explained that I really feel embarrassed being seen with Mary in
    via u/HotPomelo552
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    public. She dresses horrible and most of the time her clothes are dirty, she stinks and does not brush her hair. MIL agreed and mentioned to my husband that it would be best if Mary does not attend this event because she will make us look bad in front of all the people that will be present. I was on my MIL's side. Husband was sad but he also agreed with us and mentioned he will think about it.
    via u/HotPomelo552
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    wxst3d 7h ago • Yta- you're focused on appearance/ how others will see you, instead of the situation at hand. This child is being neglected, in terms of personal hygiene. Bad teeth care will likely cause horrible problems down the line (e.g cavities, loosing teeth, ect). She is a little girl. She doesn't know better. She is just following the guidance of her mom. When you're a kid, you don't know better. You see embarrassment. I see neglect.
    via u/wxst3d
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    Why is your husband not doing anything, when she is in his care? Why is your husband not petitioning the court to get more time with her? Is it because you're too worried about appearance? Maybe look in the mirror and see what you're missing, respectfully. This girl deserves better care, I hope y'all do something ++
    via u/wxst3d
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    HotPomelo552 OP. 7h ago Do you think we have not tried to explain to her that what she is doing is wrong? Her mother has indoctrinated her and she thinks that my MIL and I are shallow and that she has to be a feminist like her mom who does not take care of herself neither. I tried many things to get her to have a better hygiene. I bought
    via u/HotPomelo552
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    her very expensive natural products like shampoo, shower gel etc because she claimed the regular ones had chemicals that are harmful for the skin and environment. She never used them. I explained to her the health aspect, she does not accept it and says I am exaggerating. I tried but nothing works
    via u/HotPomelo552
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    wxst3d • 7h ago The mom sounds like she's providing inadequate care. Poor hygiene is a sign of neglect. Sorry your going through this. She sounds like an almond mom. Is there any way to bring this to the courts or maybe even mediation to get a solution? Maybe have the mom get evaluated (if there are other concerns about your daughters care) ? Also has she ever had a discussion with the dentist or school?
    via u/wxst3d
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    HotPomelo552 OP 6h ago • Well it is a little tricky. Husband thinks that it is just a teenager phase that will soon pass. However she is not neglected per se. Her grades are good, she goes to school, she gets clothes and food and yes, she even goes to the dentist. Ofc she gets cavities that are being taken care of when she goes to the dentist but this is short term, as she will get new ones due to not brushing her teeth constantly. So technically it's not neglect that can be solved in court in a
    via u/HotPomelo552
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    I don't share the same opinion...she is a teenager agreed, but she should be taught how to care for her body. The parents don't see a tragedy for her not showering for 2-3 days, but for me it's gross. She gets her periods, she needs hygiene, she needs to shower, she needs to change her underware. Maybe she did not use to sweat some years ago or her sweat did not smell that bad but it does now...and she is against deodorant
    via u/HotPomelo552
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    Charming_Usual6227 • • 5h ago Edited 3h ago Okay, so we're getting much closer to the truth through your replies. If she is not being neglected in any way that would be recognized by a court or social worker, then your post is exaggerated to make it look like she's running feral and it's mostly an appearance issue. She may very well feel out of place at a gala but that's for your husband to decide and talk through with his daughter. You shouldn't be planting ideas into his head over not bringing
    via u/Charming_Usual6227
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    Didn't Ashton Kutcher and Mika Kunis go viral about not bathing daily while still going to plenty of galas? Whether one is perceived as dirty hippie or hippie chic is often a matter of wealth, status and other people's biases.
    via u/Charming_Usual6227
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    & yokononope 5h ago • ESH - except Mary. You couldn't possibly come off as more condescending, your husband was a 25 year old grown man when he had his child, hardly a teenager going through a rebel phase. The level of exaggeration makes it hard for me to know how accurate your description of
    via u/yokononope
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    Mary's state is, but YTA for being embarrassed of a child. Your MIL is TA for the same reason. Your Husband is the TA for allowing his child to be belittled like this and her mother is TA if indeed the child is being neglected to the point of stinking.
    via u/yokononope
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    • • Responsi... 7h ago Edited 6h ago - NTA 'Sarah' is right. You don't have to conform to what society considers 'normal'. However, in doing so, you also have to accept that no-one has to interact with that behaviour. OP isn't the girl's mother. It's not her responsibility. She's vocalised what everyone else is thinking. It's now up to the girl's father to sort it out. Well
    via u/ResponsibleForce7878
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    done OP for being the voice of reason. I just hope someone explains to 'Mary' why her lack of hygiene is going to exclude her from future events and also the detrimental affect it could cause to her health. I hope 'Mary' likes dentists!!
    via u/ResponsibleForce7878
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    • Acrobatic_Hippo_9593 4h ago YTA. It is absolutely wretched to be embarrassed of a 12 year old child. and even worse to tell her father you're embarrassed by her.
    via u/Acrobatic_Hippo_9593
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    Your comment about how you will be perceived taking a girl who is "wearing baggy, ugly thrift store clothes" while you're carrying a "designer bag" isn't what will make you seem like the "evil step mom" and her be seen as "Cinderella." It's the fact that you are behaving like one that will do that.
    via u/Acrobatic_Hippo_9593
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    Nobody at the mall gives a flying about your designer bag or her baggy clothes. One of my dearest friends owns a high end formal clothing store. One where you don't shop without an appointment and aren't walking out the door spending less than 4 figures on anything and are likely spending at least 5. Most of the girls her age who walk
    via u/Acrobatic_Hippo_9593
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    in have messy hair, are wearing sweats or leggings and oversized tees. And you somehow don't think you can take a 12 year old to a mall without being humiliated? It's a mall, for sake. It's not Henri Bendel or Oscar de la Renta.
    via u/Acrobatic_Hippo_9593

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childcare teens aita kids teenagers stepmom grooming moms parenting feminism hygiene dad clothing reddit thread parent Reddit raising kids appearance Parenting Fail parents children Parenting FAILS
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