Everything Is Terrible presents a collection of completely WTF self-defense techniques you can employ to fight off a potential rapist, including "passing gas" or "excreting on yourself" in an attempt to be less attractive to an attacker. And, of course, there's the ever-popular "just bite his d*ck off" technique.
What? Learn actual martial arts? That's silly.
(Sorta not safe for work, graphic cucumber-chomping.)
[b3ta.]