'Do you like to refuse to show empathy?': Judgmental grandmother refuses to take care of 3-year-old and 4-year-old while her son takes 1-year-old on a trip, calls it 'favoritism'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Oct 21, 2024 3:00 PM EDT

Favoritism is not something you want to get accused of as a parent. If you have more than one kid, you should do your best to love them and support them equally, since they're all your kids. And it's just a good example to set for them. But it's also incredibly common that parenting styles change from kid to kid. When you're on your first kid, everything is new and untested, and you have basically no idea what you're doing. By the time the second kid rolls around you're more of an expert, you've further honed your approach. And if you have a third kid, you might be ready to try something new. 

It's common for parents but can lead to some disagreements about how equally each child is being treated. But in the case of this family, an outside interloper had a lot of opinions on their parenting choices. Read on for the story.

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    via Alexander Dummer

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story

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    AITA for telling DIL I won't watch her older kids so she could take the baby on a vacation
    via u/grandchildfavoritism
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    My son and DIL have 3 kids, 2 girls and a boy. The girls are 3 and almost 1 and her son is 4. I've always believed she favors the youngest. With the older two, she was going back to work at 12 weeks, had them in daycare all day every day, didn't breastfeed, and just seemed disinterested in becoming a parent. It's night and day with this baby. though. She quit her job so the baby wouldn't be in daycare, she's into attachment parenting, refused to even try formula for this one, and refuses to go a
    via u/grandchildfavoritism
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    They're going to move for my son's job and are taking the weekend to look at houses and explore the area. My DIL asked if I could take the older two and when I asked about the baby, she said the baby would be coming with them. I asked why she was taking the baby and not the older two and she said it would be so much easier. She doesn't have to worry about the kids running around the stages houses, getting
    via u/grandchildfavoritism
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    bored after touring 5 houses, getting tired, etc. and that the baby will happily stay in the carrier or in her stroller. She also mentioned that the baby has never been away from her and she doesn't want to put her through 2 nights away from mom yet. She also wants to take the baby out and she thinks it'll be easier to check out the kid places with only one kid.
    via u/grandchildfavoritism
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    I refused. I told her that I think it's favoritism to take one kid on vacation and leave the others at home, especially when she already has a history of treating her better than the other kids. The other kids would love to go on this trip and they won't understand why their mom left them but brought their sister.
    via u/grandchildfavoritism
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    She says I have no right to criticize her parenting and that she does not have a favorite. I refused to budge and told her I'd take all of them or none. She has a friend watching the older two now and told her that I am not allowed to see the kids this weekend because she thinks I'll talk about her to the kids and cause problems between her and the kids.
    via u/grandchildfavoritism
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    My son thinks she's overreacting but he also thinks I shouldn't have said anything because I know she had ppd with the first 2 and she feels guilty about not being a good mom to the first 2. AITA for telling her she's favoring the baby and refusing to watch the older two so she could take the baby on a vacation
    via u/bokatan778
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    bokatan778 13h ago. • YTA. Not for saying no to babysitting, but for your reasoning here. It's a lot easier to hold a small child/baby while looking at homes plus traveling than dealing with two TODDLERS plus a baby. You certainly aren't obligated to watch any of your grandchildren, but your reasoning sounds a little ridiculous. Honestly, it sounds like you just don't like your DIL. You're just using this as another opportunity to criticize her.
    via u/bokatan778
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    sheramom4 • 13h ago YTA. They are not "taking the baby on vacation." They are going to look at houses, which is a chore, in their new location. The baby is breastfed so how did you plan to keep the baby for the weekend? And the baby has not been away from mom so it would have been miserable.
    via u/sheramom4
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    What did your refusal and tirade accomplish? Well, you aren't allowed to see your grandkids, you missed out on time with the older two and since they are moving I doubt they will be making a lot of special trips in the future to see you.
    via u/sheramom4
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    Also, doing something different with the newest baby versus the older two is not showing favoritism or treating the baby better. DIL realized she would rather be at home or that childcare would be too expensive for three kids. She struggled to breastfeed the older two for whatever reason and finds the third easier. Given how judgmental you are I find it unlikely that they will continue a relationship with you.
    via u/sheramom4
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    So she's made different parenting choices with her third child? That's pretty normal, as you learn what works best for you after the first one or two. Sounds like you should start getting ready to not see ANY of your grandchildren very often anymore.
    via u/sheramom4
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    . gumbuoy 13h ago YTA. It's not a vacation. It's going to look at houses and figure out where they can live. Also, they'll be moving away so why aren't you taking as much time with your grandkids as possible before that happens?
    via u/gumbuoy
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    Sami_George • 13h ago • YTA for your reasoning. I was going to say it seems like she had PPD with her first two, and then you said it in that last paragraph. She isn't a bad mom and they aren't going on vacation, they're going to look at houses. The older two would've had their own vacation with you, which is now instead with a friend. And if the baby is still breastfeeding, of course she can't leave the baby.
    via u/Sami_George
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    You chose to judge your DIL, but I didn't see you mention your son's decisions on this once. You're very quick to blame this all on her and that is concerning.
    via u/Sami_George
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    . Sum... • 13h ago • Edited 11h ago • You sound insufferable. Judgmental. Bitter and yes, YTA It's not a vacation. Househunting with a nursing baby is not going to be a walk in the park. House hunting with three children would be a nightmare. Are you obtuse on purpose?... Is it deliberate?
    via u/SummerStar62
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    Material-Profit5923 12h ago • • YTA, and a big one at that. Do you like to refuse to show empathy and tear down all other women, or only the ones who have the nerve to marry your son? You act as if PPD is no big deal, when it absolutely has a huge impact on every aspect of a new mother's life.
    via u/Material-Profit5923
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    And your logic of "all or none" is ridiculous as well. If the 1-year-old is nursing and not used to being fed by others, the last thing the child or her parents need is ANYONE else trying to completely change her routine and her method of feeding when mom is not within easy distance,. This is something that is done when mom is around to step in as needed. And she is NOT going on vacation, but trying to find a new place to live. And the baby absolutely IS easier (and safer) to deal with when tour
    via u/Material-Profit5923
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    As for the rest, unless you are their financial manager, you are not privy to any financial details that may impact her decision (or even ability) to stay home, and unless you are their doctor, you are not privy to all medical factors in her decisions with the first 2. And if you keep this attitude up, you won't be privy to ANY details regarding your son's family, because they will have gone low or no contact with you.
    via u/Material-Profit5923
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    Comfortable-One8520 · 12h ago YTA. I'm a MIL with DILs. I'm a grandma. You've just torpedoed your relationship with your son, DIL and grandkids in order to make some weird point.
    via u/Comfortable-One8520
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    FactHonest5986 • 12h ago YTA. Starting with your misleading post title and just ramping up from there. Daycare is FINE. Formula is FINE. Working to help support your family and make sure you can always support yourself and your kids if you have to is GOOD. She sounds like a fine mom, even in your biased telling, and you sound like a judgmental beast.
    via u/FactHonest5986
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    tosser9212.13h ago. YTA... I wonder what other things you've provided your opinion on that haven't been welcome by your DIL or son regarding their children. Enough to merit finding a job in a new city, perhaps?
    via u/tosser9212

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