'You're paying for their life': Controlling parents force 20-year-old daughter to live at home, dip into her savings when to fund their lifestyles

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Nov 8, 2024 1:00 PM EST

There's no perfect age to move out of the house. Lots of people do it when they're 18, as soon as they get the chance. But a good amount of people take a little longer while they save money, go to school, or work on their mental health. There's no right answer, as long as everyone is cool with it. Problems arise, however, when someone is preventing someone else from moving out. Everyone should have the freedom and autonomy to do what they please after they're 18 years old. Even if that means having to struggle a bit, that struggle is part of life. 

But for certain kinds of parents who are overly involved in their children's lives, this can be hard to internalize. They've spent all this time being parents, and they're not quite willing to let their bird fly the coop, even when they could make it on their own. That's what happened in this story, to a troublesome extent. Read on for the details. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10424438528
    via Unsplash+ (Curated Lifestyle)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story

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    my parents won't let me move out until i'm 30
    via u/bobarequired
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    i'm currently 20f, about to be 21 in a week. i am in good financial standing with a job and i hope to live with my long term boyfriend once i graduate college next year. however, my parents told me that they won't allow me to move out until im either married or 30. they told me that i "...have my whole life to live on my own, but only a limited amount of time to live with them." it makes me feel really sad when they say that.
    via u/bobarequired
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    i understand what they're saying and i feel horrible leaving them, but i am feeling so controlled in this household. they have cared very well for me physically (food, health, housing), but emotionally it's getting to be too much. for example, i once opened up to them about how depressed and anxious i had been feeling, but they then told me. i was being "ungrateful and selfish."
    via u/bobarequired
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    they also won't let me buy a car with my own money that i have been saving up even though it would make our daily lives way easier (we only have 1 car in this household and im a full time student w a part time job), and they've been borrowing my money to pay for bills and mortgage (my dad is unemployed and my mom teaches. violin lessons from our house). they said that borrowing from me is their
    via u/bobarequired
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    last resort and they seemed genuinely hurt by their action. they do ask before taking it and of course i'd love to help them out, but it feels like they're taking away my ability to live my own life as well. it's the fact that my dad isn't willing to get even a part time job just to have a bit of income that upsets me. sorry i don't know if this is going on a tangent or not but it's upsetting.
    via u/bobarequired
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    i don't know. am i being dramatic and ungrateful? edit: everyone is so wonderful and supportive. thank you so much, please know i've read every single response <33
    via u/bobarequired
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    Professor-genXer • 2d ago. Make sure all of your money is in your bank account with only your name on it. Take all of your personal belongings and move out. They're controlling you and taking your money. You don't have to ever get married unless you want to, and you can live on your own as an adult. Best of luck. ✓
    via u/Professor-genXer
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    marianne215 · 2d ago · Of course they want you to stay, you're paying for their life.
    via u/marianne215
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    lunarchyld . 2d ago. Get all your documents and put them in a safety deposit box first of all. Then make sure your accounts are secure. If you have a place to keep things start moving your stuff out a little at a time. Maybe a small storage unit if that's manageable. Use a taxi or ride share to move around so they don't know about it. If they notice
    via u/lunarchyld
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    your room getting emptier just tell them you didn't need it/it broke/you sold it/a friend needed to borrow it/etc. You can leave whenever you please. They absolutely will try to guilt and manipulate you into staying, but do not let them. They are adults fully capable of paying their own way in the world, they just don't want to as long as you're around to do for them. Leave as soon as you can for your own well-being.
    via u/lunarchyld
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    aquila-audax • 2d ago • Helicopter parenting like this typically results in kids who are depressed and anxious, so your supposed "ingratitude" has nothing to do with it. People who prevent you from normal adult development aren't "taking good care" of you, they're using you to meet their own needs.
    via u/aquila-audax
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    Ok_Err... 2d ago · Edited 2d ago • What? You're an adult. Move out. Stop giving them money. They are physically unable to force you to stay or give them money, if they try, call the police. You're choosing to stay and choosing to bankroll them.
    via u/Ok_Error_3167
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    SnoopyisCute · 2d ago. Are you in the US? You are legally an adult at 18 and can move out anytime you want. Make an Exit Plan and move out. There is nothing they can do short of holding you against their will. Find roommates, rent a room, find a live-in job, enroll in college, enlist, etc..
    via u/SnoopyisCute
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    trumpetrabbit • 2d ago • First and foremost, I'm proud of you for getting through college! That's hard to do, especially with everything else you've got going on. Secondly, they disregard your needs, and take resources from you. They're fighting your independence both by refusing the car and moving out. This is not a healthy dynamic in any relationship. You deserve better.
    via u/trumpetrabbit
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    Make sure that you have all of your ID documents, including any expired driver's licenses or passports. Make sure they can't access your bank account, keep a close eye on your credit, and leave. I know it can be a miserable experience, but it's critical for your well-being.
    via u/trumpetrabbit
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    Somerset76 · 2d ago. What is "let?!?!?" You are an adult. Get out. Fight block you from leaving, call the cops.
    via u/Somerset76
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    blackcat218 · 2d ago . First things first. If either of your parents have access to your bank account go to a different bank and open an account there. Do not give them access and move all your money there. Secondly. You are an adult. If you want to move out or buy a car you can.
    via u/blackcat218
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    Thirdly. You are not responsible for your parent's financial matters. If they are in danger of losing their house because your dad doesn't work and therefore they need your money that is just too bad. He can get off his but and get a job. Forthly. There is no forthly but I felt I needed to put it there.
    via u/blackcat218
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    androidbear04 2d ago . Um, if you are in a modern country and aren't financially dependent upon them, they can't. really stop you.
    via u/androidbear04
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    LemonPartyWorld Tour 2d ago • You're a grown adult. Not a prisoner. Not sure if they think they're protecting, using you as a financial crutch, or if they're trying to postpone the empty nest mode. But it doesn't matter because you are an adult.
    via u/LemonPartyW0rldTour

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childcare living at home aita entitled parents moms reddit story bad parents parenting dad reddit thread parent Reddit raising kids Parenting Fail parents children Parenting FAILS
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