35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (November 9, 2024)

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  • 01
    Destry @DestryBrod Girl, are you a pirate? Because I treasure your chest. 8:08 PM - 2024-08-25 378K Views 334 Reposts 54 Quotes 5.4K Likes 565 Bookmarks
  • 02
    lesbian frontman @milfgrinch beautiful woman named google storage 95% full keeps messaging me 2:08 PM - 2024-08-25 593K Views 5.1K Reposts 98 Quotes 46K Likes 799 Bookmarks
  • 03
    ALT Permanent Intifada @heyMAKWA Permanent Intifada @heyMAKWA 1d my new favourite thing about reef sharks is that they always look like they just trailed off mid- sentence after a terrible realisation 6:21 PM - 2024-08-26 7.8K Views 106 Reposts 407 Likes 10 Bookmarks
  • 04
    Natália Zilio @Natizilda Jim Carrey was about to retire and changed his mind to be Eggman Idris Elba said on an interview he would put all his skills on his role as Knuckles Keanu Reeves preferred to be Shadow than be in a Star Wars series it's always Sonic, man, always 3:55 PM 2024-08-27 1.5M Views 12K Reposts 249 Quotes 123K Likes 6K Bookmarks
  • 05
    anne t donahue @annetdonahue FOR THE LAST TIME if the day begins cloudy, it needs to stay that way because the vibes have been established and i refuse to adapt once again to that large star. 11:39 AM - 2024-08-28 44K Views 209 Reposts 5 Quotes 2.3K Likes 44 Bookmarks
  • 06
    Old Internet @OldInternetFeel the decline of malls is like deforestation for emo kids 8:21 PM - 2024-08-27 257K Views 2.8K Reposts 112 Quotes 23K Likes 500 Bookmarks
  • 07
    derek @websitehomepage "you added a trusted device" I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it 9:37 PM 2024-08-28 58K Views • 281 Reposts 5 Quotes 3.5K Likes 44 Bookmarks
  • 08
    katie @skatie420 they should call that guy Edgar Allan Poem!! because of all those poems he did. 6:55 PM - 2024-08-28 78K Views 263 Reposts 5 Quotes 4.6K Likes 60 Bookmarks 600
  • 09
    left at london @LeftAtLondon I love it when Muppets play the piano. Most pianists don't realize that piano playing is alllll in the neck. If you're not bobbing your head every which way, you don't know how to play. Sorry! 7:02 PM - 2024-08-28 42K Views 194 Reposts 3 Quotes 3.1K Likes 43 Bookmarks
  • 10
    Miss Marjorie Regrets @coffinsneeze see if u stay ready you dont gotta get ready ok S Chup chup 10:34 AM 2024-08-29 12K Views 52 Reposts 2 Quotes 515 Likes 16 Bookmarks
  • 11
    dr.g@nja @nellysaidwhaaat Can someone PLEASE write a paper on the decline of secret families due to inflation!? PLEASE!!!!!! 3peatPfizer @StanFritz. 19h My dad worked 16 hours a day on minimum wage and had a secret apartment and family in the 90's. This economy is insane 5:59 PM - 2024-08-29 2.7M Views 9.9K Reposts 376 Quotes 97K Likes 4.1K Bookmarks
  • 12
    hot patootie @culchie_spice. 1d back in my day Capri Sun used to have straws, but not anymore because of poke Jeff D. Lowe @JeffDLowe. 1d I feel like it's not an exaggeration to say this is one of the most shocking product changes in the history of food & beverage. SNACK-O- snackolator CAPRISUN CAPRISUN L NATURAL INGREDIENTS FRUIT PUNCH STRAWBERRY KIW FLAVORED CE DRINK BLEND FROM CONCENTRATE WITH OTHER NATURAL FLAVOR PACIFIC COOLER WED FRUIT FLAVORED JE BRAND FROM CONCENTRE CAPRISUN L NATURAL IN
  • 13
    gale na @poisonjr [anyone begins speaking to me] My god. This is my in. This is how I get touched 1:09 AM - 2024-08-30 32K Views 130 Reposts 6 Quotes 2.2K Likes 80 Bookmarks 600
  • 14
    Siobun @ethernethottie I think the worst part about being 30 mentally but 13 hormonally is that you know exactly how stupid you're being but like a character in a Greek tragedy sow the seeds of your own destruction anyway 7:29 PM - 2024-08-29 98K Views 461 Reposts 43 Quotes 6K Likes 339 Bookmarks
  • 15
    SPACEBLASTER99 @SPACEBLASTER99 ur robot partner coming over to u and sheepishly showing u the captcha they cant do, asking u for help because they trust u a lot!!!! 4:44 PM - 2024-08-30 140K Views 1.2K Reposts 170 Quotes 10K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 16
    Anna Krauthamer @AnnaKrauthamer i love to change the font of an essay from Arial to Garamond and watch my language immediately become more poetic, my syntax instantly more elegant, my argumentation right away more precise 2:52 PM 2024-09-01 114K Views 375 Reposts 60 Quotes 4.3K Likes 628 Bookmarks
  • 17
    Andrew Fleischman @ASFleischman Bluey is a bad influence on children because it makes them think I want to engage in imaginative play with them instead of scrolling my phone on the couch 9:19 AM - 2024-09-02 71K Views 58 Reposts 8 Quotes 1.6K Likes 43 Bookmarks
  • 18
    rob @ok_but_still dispatch, i'm on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle's bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can. 12:13 AM - 2024-09-03 44K Views 200 Reposts 4 Quotes 1.7K Likes 58 Bookmarks
  • 19
    carter hambley @carterhambley seeing my girl lost in a corn maze would give me the ick. my wife would never get befuddled by grain 12:01 PM - 2024-09-03 164K Views 542 Reposts 27 Quotes 8.2K Likes 260 Bookmarks
  • 20
    Oliver Darkshire @deathbybadger "I need Al to help me write because it's hard and not everyone is able" writing is supposed to be miserable, if you need a crutch that's what substance ab e is for, sylvia plath would choke you to death with her bare hands and edgar allan poe would use your skull as a bong 5:12 AM 2024-09-03 186K Views 1.8K Reposts 69 Quotes 10K Likes 391 Bookmarks
  • 21
    i recently got new socks @Fredward3948576 I've been beckoning a distant star over to earth every night for four years, in about 37 billion years all of my enemies will kneel before me and my new star friend 1:09 AM • 2024-09-04 5.2K Views 30 Reposts 290 Likes 16 Bookmarks
  • 22
    6'3" pool boy b @youwouldntpost making out hot and heavy with a xenomorph but then it slowly pulls back. the smaller mouth emerges with a besotted smirk. "hi,” it says 10:40 PM - 2024-09-03 27K Views 52 Reposts 1 Quote 707 Likes 16 Bookmarks
  • 23
    sigh swoon @sighswoon if you stay off your phone, you'll realize it's still 2005 outside 12:32 AM 2024-09-04-195K Views • 1.2K Reposts 114 Quotes 10K Likes 704 Bookmarks
  • 24
    in the gran stephen things @stepheniscowboy call her a french film festival the way her cannes got a 17 minute standing ovation 4:43 PM - 2024-09-03 1M Views 1.7K Reposts 42 Quotes 32K Likes 1.8K Bookmarks
  • 25
    yoshimi the good soldier @nise_yoshimi people who dont have a wife think columbo bringing up his wife all the time is like some kind of eccentric detective tactic. they dont understand that when you do have a wife thats just what happens. like carcinization 9:22 AM - 2024-09-04 57K Views 568 Reposts 23 Quotes 4K Likes 163 Bookmarks
  • 26
    jenny tightpants @halomancer1 gonna tell my kids this was chatgpt Cleverbot Think About t Think For Me Thoughts So Far deverness contact the avatar the app Inking in dever them on T Speech input? Chrome Beta Turing Tests: 42% and now humain partnership with Selecte PLEASE NOTE: Cams from people things sem sppropriate with ction and YOUR OWN R Lke 61 existor Android! icogno jabbery Share 2297 11:25 AM - 2024-09-04 17K Views 56 Reposts 3 Quotes 961 Likes 16 Bookmarks
  • 27
    jenny_tightpants – @halomancer1 oh so the Al can read as many copyrighted books as it wants for free but when i want to do that it's suddenly an issue PW Publishers Weekly @PublishersWkly. 8h BREAKING: The Internet Archive has lost its appeal in Hachette v. Internet Archive, the long-running, closely watched copyright case over the scanning and lending of print library books. Full story to follow. 2:23 PM 2024-09-04 1.2M Views 17K Reposts 52 Quotes 83K Likes 2.2K Bookmarks
  • 28
    nat. @its_natclayton i think as a society we need to accept that Jack Black is a Chris Pratt now 1:12 PM - 2024-09-04-96K Views 436 Reposts 33 Quotes 4.5K Likes 84 Bookmarks
  • 29
    william @peakedin2009 Current Password BEAUTIFUL New Password THEGIRLREADINGTHIS A New Password Cannot Be The Same As Your Old Password A 11:10 AM - 2024-09-04 64K Views 164 Reposts 7 Quotes 2.6K Likes 78 Bookmarks
  • 30
    Dave @iridescentaudio Do something that scares you every day. If you do that, then each day, little by little, you will be scared. Every day will be scary, and your life will be very scary. 3:34 PM 2024-09-04 498K Views 3.8K Reposts 203 Quotes 28K Likes 1.4K Bookmarks
  • 31
    Hal is in the air tonite LI... @halphelt Hearing that Al models are collapsing because Al bros poisoned their own well by flooding the internet with loads of slop that's being fed back into the training data with no way to sift it out. It fills me with such schafenfreude 10:02 AM - 2024-09-04 537K Views 5.2K Reposts 180 Quotes 48K Likes 1.9K Bookmarks
  • 32
    hatok @HatokTalk hit me that this looks like an ad for an internet plan that talks about how your gamer time is too precious to waste on low speed internet 4:45 PM - 2024-09-04-189K Views 1.7K Reposts 17 Quotes 17K Likes 475 Bookmarks
  • 33
    Alex Baze @bazecraze When the doctor leaves you alone in the little room, that's how your dog feels when you go to work. 11:16 AM - 2024-09-05 6.2K Views 7 Reposts 172 Likes 4 Bookmarks
  • 34
    bort @tacobort I'm actually the guy who does the autocapitalization on your phone. I do it manually for every phone everywhere. So when you turn it off you're actually unemploying me 3:47 AM - 2024-09-05 5.1K Views 15 Reposts 364 Likes 3 Bookmarks
  • 35
    ellory smith @ellorysmith Scully: Mulder be serious. You can't possibly believe that. Mulder: illy bocean @IllyBocean. 20h I think a grey alien would like Pepsi and a green alien would like Mountain Dew. I am working on evidence to support this 5:30 PM - 2024-09-05 24K Views 84 Reposts 807 Likes 14 Bookmarks 600
  • 36
    toler @new_toler You can tell a lot about someone simply by observing the choices they make in their life and examining their personal history and reading their medical records and doing psychological and physical experiments to them 4:42 PM 2024-09-05 9.4K Views 31 Reposts 363 Likes 4 Bookmarks
  • 37
    Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz Watching women's tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn't put needless obstacles in the way of women. 11:06 PM - 2024-09-05 144K Views 484 Reposts 6 Quotes 7K Likes 173 Bookmarks
  • 38
    leon @leyawn it must feel good as h I to walk all over your human as a cat. i need a giant person i can step on in the morning 11:58 AM 2024-09-06 6.7K Views 14 Reposts 2 Quotes 198 Likes 4 Bookmarks

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