'Blowing up on you like that on your birthday is unacceptable': Mom won't use 34-year-old daughter's real name and calls her 'Lyssy,' storms out of the room when daughter corrects her

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JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Nov 24, 2024 3:00 PM EST

Nicknames can be a tricky thing. They usually start as a form of endearment when you're little, turning your adult name into something more befitting of a little one. Gregory becomes "Little Greggie" because a baby named Greg would be unsettling. But there comes a time when you might outgrow your nickname because you aren't going to be little forever. Eventually, you have to put your name at the top of a resume and it probably shouldn't be "Lyssy." 

But sometimes it takes the rest of your family a while to catch up to your adultness. They still remember you as a doe-eyed little kid with a snot nose putting on a performance at Christmas dinner. They don't realize that you're a full-grown adult with a job, who does their own laundry. That's what happened in this situation, when a mom willfully didn't use her daughter's full name, and it resulted in some high-level drama. Read on for the story. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10431990272
    via Unsplash+ (Getty Images)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story

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    AITA for not allowing someone to use a nickname I hate?
    via u/stillnotalexa
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    Backstory: When I (34F) was a child, my parents started using a nickname variant for me (Lyssy vs Alyssa). I have been expressing open distaste for this since I was 15, but I let my family continue using it for a while (because they're family) until about five years ago when I started actively & consistently correcting them. I deeply despise this nickname as it feels patronizing as an adult and they all know that.
    via u/stillnotalexa
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    Cut to last night. I went over to my parents' (62M,F) house to have dinner with them and my brother, Toby (32M), for my birthday. Yesterday was a tough mental health day for me and I said as much when I got there. We started discussing plans for Christmas as my parents will be traveling to visit other family. As we're finishing up dinner & discussing possible alternatives, my mother starts "Toby, you and Lyssy
    via u/stillnotalexa
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    can..." and I interject with "Alyssa". It's at this point, my mother slams her hands on the table, says, "You know what? F Christmas!" and storms off to her room. My father finishes clearing the table, and I very calmly say to Toby that I've been complaining about this for years and I'm done being polite about it, he tells me he doesn't want to get involved.
    via u/stillnotalexa
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    I spend the next few hours watching TV with my dad as my mom stays in her room. She doesn't even come out for birthday cake. When I go to leave, my dad tries to insist I go talk to her. I tell him the same thing I told my brother, and pointed out that you wouldn't deadname a trans person or use the wrong pronouns for Toby's NB partner, this isn't okay either and I'm
    via u/stillnotalexa
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    allowed to be upset. He starts in on me about how I need to cut her some slack because I don't understand how much pain she's in all the time (she has autoimmune/chronic pain), or how tired she is because she's not sleeping. I also have chronic pain & insomnia and said as much, and pointed out that if any one of her children behaved the same way, it wouldn't be okay. He continues to insist that I should go talk
    via u/stillnotalexa
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    to her, implying that I'm in the wrong because my correction "sounded snotty". I said flat out that we'd talk. eventually, but I just wanted some space to process my feelings before talking, that's how I've always been. "So she slipped. When was the last time she slipped?" This past Sunday, and I said nothing about it. "She
    via u/stillnotalexa
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    corrects herself with other people and corrects them!" Yes, but she never corrects herself in front of me, and that hurts me. He tells me to do "whatever the f [I] want". Through this, Toby has re-entered the conversation. Just before I walk out, he says, "Alyssa, stop looking for reasons to hate Mom." I've never felt white hot rage flare through me like that, but I held back from cursing him out and just left. So AITA for holding a boundary and wanting to cool off before talking to my mother ab
    via u/stillnotalexa
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    Waste_Worker6122 22h ago • I don't see how chronic pain makes it more difficult to pronounce your name correctly. Your name, perfectly reasonable to expect everyone to use it. Your correction was very low key. Like you, I had a childhood name which (thankfully) I didn't have much trouble shedding as an adult. Definitely NTA.
    via u/Waste_Worker6122
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    curiouslycaty • 20h ago • It was just an excuse so that OP should feel sorry for insisting she be called what she wanted to be called because her mother is so sick and should be allowed to do what she wants to pinks away an imaginary tear.
    via u/curiouslycaty
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    crazyheather345 • 22h ago NTA, obviously. Whatever your mother is going through, blowing up on you like that on your birthday is unacceptable.
    via u/crazyheather345
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    This is an open-and-shut case for the reasons you have stated about deadnames and the like. You are a 34-year-old adult and everybody around you needs to stop calling you names you don't want to be called. It's not a big demand and your end, and it's not a big burden on their end. Also, why do both your parents swear at you so often? That's weird, you know? Normal parents don't swear at their children, even once said child is grown-up.
    via u/crazyheather345
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    Edymnion 22h ago • • NTA, if she can't figure it out, try doing the same thing back to her. Say her name is Mary, start calling her May-May to her face, and then tell her you don't understand why she's bothered by the fact you gave her a nickname.
    via u/Edymnion
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    Its a power and control thing, she's mad that she isn't able to walk all over you anymore and that you're standing up for yourself. Good for you! Like seriously, good for you for setting boundaries and sticking to them.
    via u/Edymnion
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    LindonLilBlueBalls 20h ago • NTA. Anytime she says something from now on, slam your hands down on the closest table and say, "You know what? F Christmas!" After all, everyone in your family considers it a perfectly reasonable response to anything.
    via u/LindonLilBlueBalls
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    LadyV21454 21h ago • NTA. Growing up, I had a nickname that only my family used. If at ANY time I had said I hated the nickname, they would have stopped using it. And despite what your father said, your mother didn't "slip". If she had accidentally called you "Lyssa", she would have
    via u/LadyV21454
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    apologized at once. She's doing it as a power play, basically saying 'I can call you whatever I want and you can't stop me". That's abundantly clear from the fact that she threw a tantrum when you politely corrected her.
    via u/LadyV21454
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    LosAngel1935 • 21h ago • ΝΤΑ Top 5% Commenter If your mom wanted you called Lyssy, why didn't she name you that instead of Alyssa. Everyone has a right to be addressed correctly by their name, not a nickname.
    via u/LosAngel1935
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    ThatDifficulty9334 . 21h ago. Parents are weird about their kids names and take it very personally that the kid doesnt want to be called by that or by a nickname that the parents feel is a term of endearment. BUT it is very disrespectful of anyone to call a person by a name they clearly and repeatedly have asked not to be called parent or not. There seems to be an underlying issue here too. A reminder of your preferred name shouldnot have elicited such a harsh response.
    via u/ThatDifficulty9334
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    Desperate-Film599 18h ago. NTA. I'm 56. My childhood name was Junebug. I absolutely HATE it. I went through h I forcing my family to stop calling me that. It isn't cute. They are glorified cockroaches. I hate that name. You have every right to be called what you prefer.
    via u/Desperate-Film599
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    2bFree-614 21h ago • NTA. Not everyone will accept your boundaries initially. Sometimes stronger reactions to boundary violations are necessary.
    via u/2bFree-614
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    • BluePopple 18h ago • I know I'm in the minority here, but ESH. I get that names are deeply personal, I had to make a similar change with my family and a nickname they had for me, but it seems like you are all over reacting. Your mom had a tantrum and you may have been irritated and possibly more harsh than intended when correcting her, at least given that your dad and brother feel you were are making too much of this.
    via u/BluePopple
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    When things have cooled down, ask your mom how you can bring attention to her that she's used the wrong name again without it upsetting her. Maybe you two can figure something out to help her be aware of the slip-ups so she realizes how often it happens while not making her feel corrected or put on the spot. I'd also ask her if there is a reason she's holding so tightly to the nickname. Maybe that can help you two understand why this is so difficult for her and help her release the attachment.
    via u/BluePopple

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