Grandma invites family for dinner at 6 PM but doesn't serve food until 9 PM, gets offended when daughter-in-law starts refusing invitation because of toddler daughter's bedtime: 'She thinks it's outrageous that I keep my daughter on a schedule'

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Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Nov 26, 2024 6:00 PM EST

All relationships take compromise, especially when it comes to family. However, some compromises take priority over others. When it comes to kids, putting their needs first is generally the most important thing, but not everybody sees it that way. It can cause some disagreements between family members if things go too far.

This is something that one mom has been facing recently with her mother-in-law. Having recently moved closer to her, her husband, and her daughter after escaping a bad relationship, she invites the young family over to eat multiple times a week. The problem is that it takes several hours for her to make food, leaving her toddler grandchild overly tired and hungry. Despite being asked to stick to a schedule, she has refused. 

Unsurprisingly, the internet did not think that she was offering a reasonable arrangement. If she wants to spend time with her family, she has to appreciate some ground rules.

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    via CDC

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA for refusing to go to my MIL's for dinner anymore?
    via wiggitywoogitywham
  • 03
    I want to preface this by saying that I am on the spectrum, and therefore struggle with nuanced social situations. Which is why I'm reaching out to reddit for some third party insight. My MiL has recently moved back to our hometown after finally escaping from her ex. My husband and I were unaware of the severity of the situation (because MiL made efforts to hide it), and I know that my husband is feeling very guilty about it.
    via wiggitywoogitywham
  • 04
    But MiL is doing better and has her own little apartment in town and has been working and rebuilding her life. We've made efforts to support her as much as possible, but we are in a tight spot financially, so what we can do is limited. For the past few couple weeks, my MiL has been inviting us over to her place for dinner multiple times a week. She has always loved to cook, and says she is excited to get to cook for family again. Plus she gets to spend time with our toddler.
    via wiggitywoogitywham
  • 05
    The problem is that she has consistently told us to be there around 6pm, only for her to not have dinner ready until 9pm or later. And she refuses any help in the kitchen. This is a major issue because we wind up staying out passed our daughter's bedtime. Her whole nighttime routine gets thrown off, and it makes it harder to get her down for bed. Not to mention how cranky she gets waiting on the food.
    via wiggitywoogitywham
  • 06
    I've tried to gently talk to my MiL about this, but she has always been critical of me, and of my parenting. She thinks it's outrageous that I keep my daughter on such a strict schedule, and insists that when her kids were little, they didn't have schedules, and just ate when they were hungry and fell asleep when they were tired and it worked out just fine. I asked my husband to talk to his mom about it, but she basically told him the same thing. Then went off on him about how she was just tryin
    via wiggitywoogitywham
  • 07
    So he dropped it, and we've been back to her place for dinner a couple more times since then. And it's still been served at 9pm. And she's been making passive aggressive comments about how I need to loosen up and how I can't expect the world to stick to my schedule. And my husband thinks we should just put up with it because his mom has been through so much, and he feels partially responsible because he was unaware of the situation and wasn't able to protect her. But after a particularly critica
    via wiggitywoogitywham
  • 08
    I told him that she can come over to our place for dinner every now and then, that would be fine. But I'm not going to be held captive at her apartment anymore. We didn't really come to an agreement, though. And I'm thinking that maybe I'm being too harsh on my MiL, and torturing my husband in the process. So reddit, AITA?
    via wiggitywoogitywham
  • 09
    Cheese Making Mom ΝΤΑ Childrearing theories have evolved over the decades since your MIL raised free-range children. If you absolutely cannot refuse the invitation (which is not a summons, BTW), pack some dinner for your little one and stick to your bedtime routine so she isn't cranky and fussy. If MIL still has a problem with it, because waiting for 3 hours past a specified time isn't rude at all, then you need to present a united front with your spouse that your daughter will have a structured
    via CheeseMakingMom
  • 10
    wiggitywoogitywham OP It's not that she's consistently cooking that whole time. She'll do some prep, then take a smoke break. Then do a little more, and then take a play-with- baby break. Then a coffee break. Then she'll do a little more cooking, then take a phone call outside. Then another smoke break. Apparently, this is how she's always done things.
    via wiggitywoogitywham
  • 11
    2moms3grls I feel tortured just listening to what you have to put up with when you visit. I suggest that you and your husband get on the same page can you afford a couples counselor or coach? If not, you can set a boundary that you are not willing to go any more. If your husband insists on going, he can go by himself. If he taking your child, it is all on him. I agree it is not at all good for your daughter to be so disrupted, but I bet a few dinners by himself with his mom and your daughter mig
    via 2moms3grls
  • 12
    pinkduckling The only way I'd agree to this BS is to text her beforehand: "Can't wait to see you tonight! Baby has bed at X time so we'll be leaving at Y time!" Then bring dino nuggets to heat up at 6 and peace the fuck out when it's time to get her home for bed. She can send to go containers if she really wants you to eat her cooking. Buuuuuut, flat out refusing to go at all still makes you NTA!
    via pinkduckling
  • 13
    OldDog1982 She's trying to keep you there as long as possible. You need to nip that behavior in the bud, even if it means staying home with the little one.
    via OldDog1982
  • 14
    RandoCollision She's lonely and trying to keep you hostage. Go separately from your husband and arrive with the kid at 8:00 pm, having already eaten. When she complains about showing up late, tell her to take her own advice and stop worrying so much about keeping to schedules. Your husband should also have no issues with that.
    via RandoCollision
  • 15
    Ok_Expression7723 That will still mess up the child's bedtime. I say show up at 6, with food for you and the toddler. Eat what you brought and feed your toddler. At 7, go home with the toddler for normal nighttime routine. I'm guessing it will only take once or twice and she'll learn that these power trip shenanigans will not be tolerated. NTA.
    via Ok_Expression7723
  • 16
    rockology_adam NTA. Good sleep schedules for young children are important. It would be one thing if she was having the kid sleep for a bit at her place. That would be ok. The kid easts on arrival, plays with grandma for an hour, goes to sleep in a playpen or something similar, and you guys eat dinner at 9pm. It's not perfect, but it would do for every few weeks or so. But keeping the kid up til 9pm on grandma's say so? No, grandma only gets to have that say so if the kid is staying and grandma's
    via rockology_adam
  • 17
    If your hubby still wants to go, that's great. He can go on his own. If she wants to come see you for dinner and keep to your schedule, that's fine too. If she wants to feed you upon arrival at 6pm, keep the kid up til 8:30pm and then let her sleep in the car a bit... that would work for me too, but you'll set that for yourself. MIL may have been through some trauma but she doesn't get to download it on to you and your kid. She needs to accommodate your schedule, at least somewhat, if this is wh
    via rockology_adam
  • 18
    wiggitywoogitywham OP Husband works until 5pm on all weekdays, MiL works every weekend. So the 6pm dinnertime basically our only option right now. I'm becoming more convinced that just inviting her over to our place, on our schedule, is the best thing to do right now.
    via wiggitywoogitywham
  • 19
    rockology_adam If mother-in-law is NOT working every weekday too, inviting her over to your place probably works better... if you're ok being alone with her for an hour or two. Otherwise, have her come and trade off cooking, or at least feed the kid separately and then get them to bed on schedule.
    via rockology_adam
  • 20
    KristinSM If she feels like she's doing you such a great favor by cooking for you, she could still bring some dishes over to your place that just need to be reheated like stews or soups or whatever.
    via KristinSM
  • 21
    Goblinking79 Good sleep schedules are important for all humans of any age, not just babies. The fact that she refuses any kind of compromise, like helping her cook, is the real problem. It also seems like maybe she's using her situation to manipulate the son, which is also shitty. "We love you, we love visiting you, and we appreciate your efforts. We have to be able to compromise together, though. Let me help you cook. That way we can eat earlier and you can still take the breaks you need. Good
    via GoblinKing79
  • 22
    If she refuses, then hit her with the "come to our place" thing. I dunno. She sounds like maybe she is not open to compromise ever, but I don't know her so I cannot say for sure.
    via GoblinKing79
  • 23
    CandylandCanada ΝΤΑ Let me sum this up for you: MIL made a series of choices, some of which had consequences, all of which she hid from you. Now that MIL is in a different situation, she is making new choices, which she expects you to accept unchallenged, while at the same time she criticizes the choices that you are making for your family. She expects you to adopt her life choices, because obviously they worked out so well for everyone. Nope, non, na, uh-uh to all of that. Clearly, she doesn't
    via CandylandCanada
  • 24
    seracydobon ΝΤΑ. Even if your child wasn't in the picture, it's just insensitive from the host's part to invite people over for dinner for a certain time, when dinner is ready only T+3. With your child in mind, this is even worse. Just because older generations got away with extremely bad and loose parenting (e.g. eat when they are hungry, sleep when they are tired), doesn't mean they are the golden standard to follow - far be it actually. I liked how you phrased this as "being held captive". I'
    via seracydobon
  • 25
    OldGmaw2023 Who the hell thinks it is proper to make a child wait until 9 pm to eat? Let Hub go > let Him tell Mom that Normal people eat at Normal times .. Breakfast - lunch/dinner - supper.... not late night meals > unless you are a shift worker You have a Husband problem
    via OldGmaw2023
  • 26
    shaihalud69 NTA. Reduce visits to once a week and tell her that you have to leave by x time, then do it. I don't have kids but know enough that they have to be on a schedule for sleep. Obviously bring some kid-friendly food so your kid can eat on time, and have a meal prepped at home for yourself. She's obviously got some control issues around your parenting and she's making a power play. While her abusive relationship was terrible, she should be getting therapy instead of leaning on your family
    via shaihalud69
  • 27
    Worth-Season3645 NTA...I might go over, but if dinner is not ready when she says it is, "oh so sorry. Kid needs to eat at time and be ready for bed. We will have to leave. Let's try another night". Blah, blah...you baby your child. "Mom, what worked for you does not mean it works for everyone". Blah, blah, helping you financially. "Mom, how does it help us financially, when you say dinner will be ready at this time, but it is not ready until three hours later? This is not only a waste of time fo
    via Worth-Season3645

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aita family food reddit thread Reddit cooking granddaughter dinner argument mother in law daughter late
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