30 of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (January 18, 2025)

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  • 01
    Mo Mohler ♥ @MoMohler Apparently, Kohls cash, and MyMcDonalds rewards points aren't calculated into one's net worth, which means I'm considerably less affluent than I previously thought.
  • 02

    Wow, VIP!

    X Celi @IAmSalsaVerde Got my ticket for tmrw! 11:59 PM ticketmaster HOME t Dec 31, 2024 Stay Home and Do Nothing SECTION VIP/Couch ENTRY INFO ROW A RESERVED FLOOR 1 SEAT 1 11:48 PM 12/30/24 2.2M Views 93 1 6.7K 55K 1.7K 企
  • 03

    Peak moment for anyone

    Caitlin Driscoll @TeacherOnTopic Today I told the "why is six afraid of seven" joke to a class of first graders who had either never heard it, or just suddenly understood it. Three kids literally fell out of their chairs and rolled on the floor. Apex moment, never topping it. 7:37 PM 1/8/25 • 2M Views 185 • 16.8K 149K ☐ 5.7K ↑
  • 04

    And I embrace that

    Neil Renic @NC_Renic Don't forget, you are someone's weird colleague . 5:09 AM 1/7/25.552K Views 79 12.2K 19K ☐ 699 ↑
  • 05

    What the heck did I do

    Havoc Six @Havoc Six > "You haven't missed a single credit card payment!" > "Your credit score has dropped 20 points." 4:04 PM 1/2/25 7.3M Views 930 19.1K 178K ☐ 4K 企
  • 06

    I am a rich man... in Subway points

    Mo Mohler @MoMohler Apparently, Kohls cash, and MyMcDonalds rewards points aren't calculated into one's net worth, which means I'm considerably less affluent than I previously thought. • 1:22 PM 1/8/25.264K Views 34 17433 10K 167
  • 07
    you decide to side th nd hear your fi RiscV @MKVRiscy Me pranking my doctor before he puts me in the MRI machine Angantýr @Based Northmathr.2d Chainmail tucked in the trousers. Could be the move 12:59 AM 1/7/25 11M Views . 275 17K 431K ☐ 10K 企
  • 08
    CHURRASCO SAUDADE @churrascoo000 coworkers are funny you could see a guy every day for 5 years then he quits you never see or even think about him again • 3:05 PM 1/8/25 6.5M Views 557 17 16K 261K ☐ 7.7K ↑
  • 09
    Pookie @PookiesParadise just a few bandages and this cow will be able to walk again Redd @ReddCinema. 1d This is how a steak is meant to be eaten 6:49 PM 1/7/25 9.1M Views Q1.4K 123K 278K 4K 企
  • 10
    Nicole Auerbach @NicoleAuerbach Flavor Flav dressed up as a jar of mayonnaise and then dumped a cooler filled with mayo on the Minnesota football coach's bald head. That is an entirely factual sentence. College football is the greatest sport. • 11:15 PM 1/3/25 150K Views 37 17383 4.7K 74 企
  • 11
    @Hibzster Christmas and New Year's should never fall on a Wednesday again . 7:05 AM 1/3/25 2.1M Views 359 14K 86K ☐ 856 企
  • 12
    Gooseberry @ClixWell Stop avoiding your banking app. Go look at what you've done. 11:08 AM 1/8/25 1.9M Views 1.2K 18K 74K ☐ 3.3K ↑
  • 13
    Dr. Robert Rohde @RARohde 2025 45^2 = It's a perfect square. It will probably be the only perfect square year you ever get to live in. The last time that occurred was in 1936. The next will be in 2116. So, make 2025 a perfect year for you. • 10:31 AM 12/31/24 541K Views . 63 17 2K 19K ☐ 1.4K ↑
  • 14
    karlykauf @karlykauf Got a Pittsburgh puzzle for Christmas and my favorite part is that the Pirates are losing 12-0 DURI IGNAL IARY BE Camph TOME STAGE A
  • 15
    steph @steph_mcca I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home 11:49 AM 1/2/25 1.8M Views 59 17 8.6K 110K 1.7K 企
  • 16
    Billy @_billyreid Well it's better than him disliking you that's for sure emily@blossomsbroke. 1d H Stalin liked you! Match to continue the conversation. 9:49 AM 1/3/25 1.5M Views Q 17 1762 36K 358 企
  • 17
    ethan @lil_eath missed my flight ethan @lil eath-15h showing up to the airport 40 minutes before my flight gives me such a rush.
  • 18
    ada enechi @adaenechi "circling back" on January 2nd is r de, the new year is still defrosting RELAX 5:03 AM 1/2/25 540K Views • 27 12.9K 23K ☐ 312 企
  • 19
    half empty girl @meowingabyss My husband keeps calling our unborn child Project 2025 and I think people are going to stop talking to us soon 12:13 PM 1/2/25. 1.6M Views > 146 2.1K 83K 2K 企
  • 20
    всо @quesadaaa_ He doesn't have dementia he's just in disbelief Bella @Mycosy_life___. 1d my grandad's dementia is so bad he's asked me if I have a job 10 times, 10 times i've had to admit that I'm jobless 9:28 AM 12/31/24 5.9M Views • 186 17 16K 222K 2.7K 企
  • 21
    Alyssa ⚫ @alyssaleann smashmouth was so right, the years really do start coming and they don't stop coming • 7:18 PM 12/31/24 2.5M Views 73 17 20K 146K ☐ 2K
  • 22
    karly W @clarabowpez i'm going to hold your hand as i say this... Samuel Jones I NEED an ai cover of Elsa ('s voice actress) singing defying gravity. It's such a unique and powerful voice it's perfectly suited for defying gravity! 2024-12-9 Reply 11 D 4:43 PM 1/1/25 679K Views 96 t 2.2K 43K ☐ 1K ↑
  • 23
    Jeremy Kauffman @jeremykauffman 4 yo came downstairs, hugged mom, punched me in the belly, then started eating cold leftover taco beef by hand 9:34 AM 1/1/25 50K Views > 276 17 58 2.2K 18 企
  • 24
    Bones @FrailSkeleton *forcing husband to watch "Sound of Music”* "Where's the wife?" "She's de d, the—” "So this is the babysitter? She's hot and great with the kids? Oh, I wonder where this is going, is this the plot?" "Get out." 7:40 PM 12/30/24 1.6M Views • 336 1.2K 39K 1.9K ↑
  • 25
    crust bucket @EeeOsborne If ur not drinking 13 beers with me I can only assume ur drinking 13 beers against me 6:27 PM 12/30/24 3.6M Views • 179 12K 122K ☐ 4.5K
  • 26
    Doc✔ @DocAtCDI A 57,000 square foot Temu warehouse in China went up in flames today. The total loss of inventory has been estimated to be as high as $56.19 USD. LETEMU TEHU 11:19 PM 12/29/24 7.5M Views 1.2K 12K RESTOREY GROK 7 243K ☐ 7.4K 企
  • 27
    roo @rootemperature romance is soo back Messages All (50+) genuinely in awe of your beauty on the boom meter... im gonna give you FIVE BIG BOOMS!! BOOM!! BOOM!! BOOM!!! BOOM!!! BOOOM!!! . 3:39 PM 12/28/24.5.1M Views 367 17 5.3K 187K ☐ 8
  • 28
    mr. puff @rishipuff i know wearing indian clothes at a wedding must hit so hard when ur white 10:44 AM 12/28/24 937K Views • • 46 11.3K 43K ☐ 1.2K ↑
  • 29
    greg✪ @greg16676935420 Congratulations to the IRS for winning $600 million in the Mega Millions tonight BNO BNO News NEWS @BNONews • 15h JUST IN: Ticket sold in California wins $1.22 billion Mega Millions jackpot • 12:46 AM 12/28/24 4.8M Views 1.2K 18.3K 116K 1.1K 企
  • 30
    Uncle Benzo @SobrietyField Bro u are at megachurch, your priest is gonna flash his venmo qr code then fly off the stage into the smoke machine the peak @madpirate56.3d Backwards hat at Christmas Eve service can not make this up.
  • 31
    Dan @grapplingdev My Son has always wanted a Switch and since he's been so good this year with school etc I thought I'd go all out. I hope the Avaya 64 port gigabit switch is the one he wanted, he tried to keep his excitement in but he's probably trying to play it cool! LOWYSER

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