Woman’s brother abandons kids at a young age, woman defends them when they don’t want to reconnect with him and new wife: ‘[They] had no business putting their mistakes on the girls.’

Author image for Baiz Hoen
Baiz Hoen
Jan 24, 2025 6:00 PM EST

When you come from a family with a lot of grief and strife, there's often a ton of finger-pointing and random blaming. Some people can't own up to their own misgivings, so they try to make up a story to explain their actions without them being at fault. Other times, people are ready to come clean about their actions, but the hurt is too far embedded that no apology could revoke the damage done. There are also a lot of complicated feelings caught up in family drama. You love them all in a way you can't explain because they're family and they're yours, but also, you know them better than anyone and have no fear telling them that they're wrong. Or at least that you think they're wrong.

Whatever the case, every family has drama and trauma that is unique to them and would be hard to explain to anyone who can't understand your family dynamics. Still, it helps to ask an outside opinion to explain the actions of the ones we love. One woman posted to Reddit searching for advice for her family troubles. Her brother wants to come back into the lives of his two daughters, whom he abandoned at a young age, and they don't want him back in their lives. This woman takes her niece's side, but she's wondering if she's being too harsh on her brother. What do you think?


 

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  • 01
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    via Dalga Ellaby
  • 02

    "AITA for telling my SIL not to blame my nieces for her and my brother's mistakes?"

    My brother and SIL have caused their children together a lot of hurt and they are blaming my brother's first two children (my nieces) for this. I don't feel this is fair and I pointed it out when SIL tried to insult the girls to me.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 03
    My brother married young and had two daughters with his first wife Alice. She did when the girls were 5 and 7 and my brother left them in the care of their maternal grandparents and great grandfather, because all three lived together. He didn't see them again for more than a decade. I had always told him he f ed up by walking away and they had needed him more than ever and instead of losing one parent, which was already tragic enough, they lost both their parents and one left by his own choice.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 04
    I have never let him forget it either. He tried to tell me it was the best thing for the girls and I told him he was full of sh. One of the reasons I still spoke to him was I wanted him to know that they deserved better. And that I was disgusted by his abandonment of the girls.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 05
    Luckily their family were willing to let me see them and I made every effort to be a good aunt to them.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 06
    My brother remarried 7 years after his first wife's death and he and his wife had children together. SIL was always aware of the girls existence and she decided to bring them up to her kids constantly and in a way that made it seem like a relationship would happen one day. Eventually my brother was also a part of this and then a couple of years ago they promised a relationship would be starting at any point.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 07
    My brother made contact with the girls for the first time in almost 20 years. There were a handful of discussions that took place between them. I had the girls' back and I answered questions they had that they didn't want to ask him. He wanted to meet them and they said yes. But they said it was a one and done thing. He knew this and so did SIL but they presented it to their kids as the start of everyone being a family.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 08
    The one meeting took place a few months ago and the girls made it clear they wanted nothing to do with my brother or his family. He asked them if there was anything he could do, begged and pleaded with them to give him a chance. He tried to offer them money and the girls turned it down and told him to give it directly to the people who raised them for him.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 09
    At some point they told him he'd moved on and they had no interest in being a part of that. And when asked for more they said the fact he remarried and had more kids removed any desire to get to know him or have him in their lives. Apparently they "argued" somewhat over the fact it took him years to remarry and how he felt that shouldn't mean the girls want nothing to do with him but they said he had a family and they wanted no part of it since he abandoned them and their mom in the end.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 10
    SIL was p ed when my brother told her everything the girls had said. She was angry that they would deny him another chance at happiness. I had pointed out at the time it was mentioned that he denied them being raised by their sole surviving parent.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 11
    I didn't see or speak to them as much at this point but SIL reached out to talk because she was frustrated. Her and my brothers kids are devastated to lose the chance to know the girls.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 12
    They had built hope and expectation and were fed all these promises that my brother and SIL had no business making. SIL has decided it's all the girls fault. That they should be ashamed because they're no longer kids while hers are and they didn't do anything to them. I
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 13
    they didn't do anything to them. I didn't like her badmouthing the girls and I told her to cut it out and that the girls weren't at fault for it, she and my brother were. I said she had no business putting their mistakes on the girls. She argued that she and the kids had made no mistakes. I told her she
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 14
    made no mistakes. I told her she was the person who made sure the kids knew about the girls when my brother wasn't even doing it, leading to questions and wanting to know them, without any advice sought beforehand and then I said she was part of making promises of a relationship when she didn't know them or how open they would be or not. I told her those were mistakes she and my brother made.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 15
    She argued that anyone would expect grown adults to not take their anger out on kids and to see bl d relations as worth knowing and being there for. She also told me I had no right to be as judgmental as I am to not only her but my brother. AITA?
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 16

    Here's what people had to say in the comments

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    via Liv Bruce
  • 17
    NTA. For some reason people dont seem to understand reality and live in this fantasy land that you are not allowed to disturb. Your brother and SIL are at fault, the two eldest are taking nothing out on the children. Good for you for being there!
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 18
    Your brother and his wife are delusional. Firstly, of course, your brother a monumental PoS AH to have abandoned his first two kids after their mother died. Even if he didn't feel equipped to be primary carer, he should absolutely have been in their life regularly for the entirety of that long, long time!
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 19
    Secondly, both he and SIL have been AH to paint an image to the two younger kids that they have siblings, that these siblings will have an interest in them etc. If they really wanted that, brother should have been in his older kids lives all along, and the siblings should have been introduced as soon as the younger ones were born, as each one came into the world.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 20
    Not when the two younger are already half grown up, and crucually, when the two older are fully grown AND rightfully want nothing to do with a father who completely abandoned them! Absolutely mental to blame the older kids for the f ups of their father and his second wife. NTA
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 21

    You said it, sister.

    "She argued that anyone would expect grown adults to not take their anger out on kids," said the wife of the adult man who took out his anger on his young daughters, causing them to abandon them, when their mother died.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 22
    She argued that anyone would expect grown adults to not take their anger out on kids and to see blod relations as worth knowing and being there for. Does she know who she married? Cause that's exactly what he did, why shouldn't they match his energy?
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 23
    Also, not wanting a relationship with strangers is not "taking their anger out" on kids. She confusing disinterest with anger and bl d related strangers for family.
    via Better_Stay1774
  • 24

    To sum it all up:

    NTA - your points are all entirely valid and correct. This is entirely on SIL and brother and feeling like the girls now owe them anything after being abandoned for 10 years is height of arrogance and selfishness.
    via Better_Stay1774

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family drama aita AITAH kids reddit story sister in law Bad Dad divorce Reddit
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