21-year-old woman helps her mother by shaming 11-year-old kid sister into cleaning her room, saddened to find their relationship changed: 'My sister now hates me, but if it makes Mum’s life easier, I can live with that'

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Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Mar 15, 2025 12:00 PM EDT

I feel like there's just some sort of paternal instinct that kicks in when it's required. Clearly some people don't have this instinct: some who have no reason to yet because they don't have kids of their own, but there are also some who do have kids who still fall into this category, somewhat inexplicably. But, as usual, that exception also makes the rule.

When you're 21 years old with two kids of your own already, but still have an 11-year-old sister who is also still very much a child, one can imagine where that might set a weird dynamic where you're both an older sibling with that whole dynamic going on but also have a powerful second instinct wanting to intervene and parent your sibling. 

But, still, whether you have your own children or not at that age, at 21-years-old you're still immature yourself, being that your frontal lobe isn't fully developed yet. That didn't stop this 21-year-old from intervening to help her mother with her 11-year-old sister's manipulative behavior, setting the young girl straight with some harsh consequences. But then finding afterward that her intervention may have irreparably changed their relationship and damaged their sisterly bond.

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    "AITA for shaming my kid sister into cleaning her room?"

    I (21F) live with my two kids, while my sister (11F) lives with our mum in the same town. Mum rarely asks for help and tends to handle things on her own. However, my sister is very manipulative-constantly blaming Mum, saying she "doesn't care" and "ruins her life."
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  • 03
    Recently, she screamed at Mum for not washing her school uniform, despite having a pile of clean clothes (including her uniform) in her room for over a week. She also trashed her room -dirty underwear, clutter, food packets, moldy dishes, no sheets on her bed, and no clear path through the mess. She takes food upstairs despite not being allowed and refuses to clean, even when Mum helps. She even yells when Mum tries to clean it for her, insisting, "I like it like that."
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    Mum has tried everything- cleaning with her, guiding her, letting the mess build up, even cleaning it herself-nothing works. When I casually joked, "Let me stay with her for a day and buy her into cleaning," Mum shocked me by seriously agreeing, which showed how desperate she was.
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    So, we swapped houses for a day. With Mum's full permission, I went full "mean girl." I took my sister's TV, phone, tablet, and laptop and told her: • "If you're gonna live like a wild dog, might as well put you in a cage." • "Mum gives you everything, and this is how you repay her?" "Your 4-year-old nephew keeps his room cleaner than this." "Maybe we should send a picture to your school friends."
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  • 06
    She huffed, puffed, stomped, cried-but ultimately cleaned her room, proving she could do it. When Mum came back, she was nearly in tears with relief and hasn't stopped thanking me. My sister now hates me, but if it makes Mum's life easier, I can live with that.
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  • 07
    Most of our family understood why I did it, but my grandmother and aunt are mad, saying I should be the "cool older sister" she looks up to, not the one who breaks her down. But as a parent myself, I feel for Mum more than I do for my sister. AITA?
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the ahle: I am wondering if perhaps I was too harsh with my sister, and even with mums permission, if I overstepped. AITA?
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  • 09
    Mysterious-Elk-6248 NTA but does mom take her things until she can behave without caving to sisters tantrums? Because its going to be an ongoing problem unless mom can set and enforce those rules. She doesnt have to say anything except that those things are available to her once she can meet the expectations outlined for her.
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    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • 11
    Because I hate to say it, if mom caves, thats enabling because it teaches sister if she throws a fit long enough, she will get her way no consequences. And you dont need to be regularly becoming your sisters bu y because mom cant enforce consequences. Tread cautiously.
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  • 12
    punnymama H I no, NTA. It's not healthy or okay for your sister and it was clearly impacting to her mom in a negative way.
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    rialtolido NTA but I doubt that you have fixed the problem. It will be filthy again in a few days. Mom needs a more permanent solution. You need to figure out why she wants to live in a dirty space. Is her mental health ok?
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  • 14
    Kayyrraaaaa NTA you can be the cool sister to look up to when your sister is the cool little sister that you want to influence. The way she's acting she'd turn into a total brat. I'm hoping what you did redirects her and she can thank you for starting her in the right direction but it might take a while.
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    GaspingGuppy No. But it sounds like typical tween behavior. Also, I know I'll get down voted again for this but have her checked for ADHD. The doom piles, knowing where everything is despite the room being a disaster, the reluctance to changes, literally textbook tween girl ADHD. My mother could have written this about me in 1994. For me though I hid food because my mother was
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    ab ive and restricted food access only allowing me things I was allergic to, so it was a life or death thing for me in that regard. But still, it's "clutter blindness" and I can tell you personally after getting medicated correctly (in foster care in my case, went in right before I turned 12) it was like someone was shining a spotlight the brightness of a million suns on my doom piles and room. I suddenly saw IT.
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  • 17
    could just be she's 11 and gets away with crop like that. But truly, I and every other neurodovergent female reading this are screaming inside. You are NTA at all. But get her evaluated so you can help her manage it, whatever "it" is. Behavior or divergence.
    via sazo2407
  • 18
    snooper_poo ESH You're mom isn't doing a good job raising her own kid. She's using you to do the hard work she doesn't want to do. None of this is going to work out well.
    via sazo2407

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Babies family dynamics teens family drama stepmother aita AITAH infant kids teenagers blended family siblings stepchild moms family feud parenting family pregnant reddit thread parent raising kids Parenting Fail parents children
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