Wife protests when mother-in-law starts asking her for money while husband uses joint business to send $1200 a month to family : 'So far he's bought them a car, paid off their debts, funded his parents' wedding'

When you agree to commit to another person by marrying them, there are certain topics that you have to be crystal clear about. One of these is how you are going to manage your finances as a couple. If you have any kind of joint income, this conversation is particularly essential. The last thing you want is somebody spending your money in a way that you don't condone.

For many reasons, money is something that many spouses fail to adequately discuss, and this almost always leads to problems further down the line. If you are anything like most people, you have a limited amount of those precious dollars, and the majority of partners are going to expect that your priority should be using them to make your life better as a couple. While it is understandable to want to help out your family when you are stable and they aren't, there can be limits to this.

Author image for Ally Perry Ally Perry
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    AITA for telling my husband his family is draining us?

    I (28F) recently married my husband (30M) after nearly 6 years together. We co-run a design consulting business, which I helped build from scratch-I handled client comms, admin, and systems so he could focus on creative work. Things picked up financially a couple years ago, and I was proud of us both. As soon as the money started flowing, he began heavily supporting his family. They live in India, and he's the oldest of 12 siblings, several still under 10. So far he's: • Bought them a car Paid o
    via Careful-Delay7592
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    via Vitaly Gariev

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    Now his mom has started reaching out to me too- asking me to remind him she needs money for nursery fees because she spent everything prepping the land. She also mentioned needing $5,500 more to buy another piece of land to build a rental property for income. This is while they're already planning a huge house that their current budget likely won't cover-and again, there's an unspoken expectation that my husband will step in to fund the rest.
    via Careful-Delay7592
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    Meanwhile: •We rent • We don't have kids • We're trying to stabilize our income • He's asked me to contribute more toward our own bills I've told him before that his early financial gestures set the bar really high, and now the expectations just keep growing. I'm not against helping-but it feels like we're always building someone else's future while our own life keeps getting delayed.
    via Careful-Delay7592
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    AITA for wanting him to set limits, at least until we've secured something for ourselves? EDIT: he's got a great heart, pays all our bills and still takes care of his family. The land he paid for was around $60,000 usd which was a huge blow financially as he had to save for a few months to make it. Yes he is the breadwinner. I make around 20% what he makes as he's taken over the company because I didn't want to work there anymore and yes i am personally around $18k in debt right now which he kno
    via Careful-Delay7592
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    via Clayton Webb

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • This is something that one woman found herself struggling to communicate to her husband after she felt the amount of money that he was sending to his family was getting out of hand. The oldest of twelve children, he had built a design consulting business with her. Since it had reached some degree of success, he had been sending significant amounts of money to his parents to help them with various expenses and debts.

    Once the woman's mother-in-law began asking her for money and the family began planning to build a large house they were unlikely to afford alone, she felt the need to rein in the spending. However, her husband wasn't pleased with this proposal, and she wanted to know if she was being unreasonable.

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    Commenters tried to advise her as best they could.

    Arorua Mendes NTA look sis, you're being taken advantage of and it's time to say it out loud. You built this business together, yet you're still renting while his family gets land and cars? That's f ed up. His mom contacting you directly for money is crossing a line. You're funding their rental property dreams while you pay rent, seriously? Tell him straight: either you both come first, or this whole thing falls apart.
    via Arorua__Mendes
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    Mermaidtoo NTA Does your husband's family understand your financial and living situation? If your husband is misrepresenting your situation, that's a problem. If your in-laws know you rent but still expect you to buy them multiple houses, that's a huge problem. I get supporting family in need. I also understand that there may be cultural expectations when it comes to sharing money with family and particularly with parents. But your in-laws seem to have endless expectations & demands that you and
    via Mermaidtoo
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    Careful-Delay7592 He has an "anything they want no matter how big or small mentality" for them. I asked him what would happen if they needed $100k for surgery as an example and he said he would simply work harder. They know we rent, they know we don't have any assets right now and they know we're not settled
    via Careful-Delay7592
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    GhostColumnist Based on how ingrained this is with him and the family dynamic, there is a really good chance that this man is going to financially ruin you, and you need to start preparing for if he's not able to make a drastic change. It would be wise of you to meet with a lawyer so you understand what separation and division of assets would look like if/when you get to that point.
    via GhostColumnist
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    Boysenberry NAH, this is a pretty common culture clash when people from individualist cultures marry someone from a culture where families remain very integrated even after adult children marry. I knew someone from one of the wealthiest families in India; he could have had any house in the country he wanted. Instead, when he married, he built an addition onto his parents' house for himself and his wife. Your husband is probably feeling some combination of guilt for not being at home to physicall
    via Boysenberry
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    There's also nothing wrong with your culture or norms around money. An individualist culture sees what you earn as first being dedicated to meeting your own needs. This is not seen as selfish because that's how you avoid becoming a burden to others in the event of financial loss. Giving to family is a nice, but optional, thing to do with "extra" money. His generosity with his family violates the money norms you were raised with in a significant way. As a married couple, you theoretically should
    via Boysenberry
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    I think you're going to have to do two things here: 1) start earning more money (since you don't have kids yet, it should be possible for you to make more than 20% of his income) and put that additional money towards your debt, not into the bank account; and 2) meet with a financial planner with your husband to discuss your shared financial goals, including both things for yourselves and things for his family. If the financial planner isn't enough to get you both to agree to a plan, you may have
    via Boysenberry
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    batjac7 I had a friend from India sending money home like that. You are telling us he never told you up front he would spend most your family money on his parents? You know your choices. Why are you here?
    via batjac7
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    slendermanismydad h_le? Why? WHY on planet earth did you marry this a You built a business with him. SMDH. You need to get out now.
    via slendermanismydad
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    Analysis-Klutzy NTA it's your money too. What about your family? Why isn't your family allowed to have free money?
    via Analysis-Klutzy
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    Organic-Willow2835 Oh man. I'm so sorry you married him before you guys figured out the balance here. First, please both of you get into marital counseling and work together to figure this out. He is going to need counseling to help undo years and years of ingraining that its his job to support the entire extended family. Second, you guys are a primary family now. His family of origin is his family, too, but it is his job first and foremost to build a future including and ESPECIALLY WITH you. Th
    via Organic-Willow2835
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    Ask him what he thinks is reasonable. Set up a system where his family has to "apply" for funding beyond a baseline amount per month with an application where you guys BOTH review it and decide whether its worth it. Together you both review it and discuss the pros and cons of giving them money for said item. This will slow their expectation that they ask and they get. Require receipts for all transactions so you know where the money is going. And, most importantly, despite guilting from them, he
    via Organic-Willow2835
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    snafuminder NTA, but you need to understand that it's the culture you chose to marry in to. You and hubs need to sit down and define your goals, personal and professional. Meet with a financial planner to get a plan. Agree on an affordable budget for his family and stick to it. They will blad you dry, and you're both working for them. Charity begins at home. Good luck.
    via snafuminder
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    wesmorgan1 Your life together should be the priority. You could have made a solid down payment on a house with the amount he's sent to his family. He is NOT responsible for purchasing a property for them to use only as rental income. It's completely reasonable to strike a balance between helping family and building your own security. NTA.
    via wesmorgan1
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    LCJ75 NTA but you were together for 6 years and had no clue, even while building a business together? Get into therapy but protect your assets and start to separate them from his.
    via LCJ75
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    turdpinata_yep You're in debt and he's paying everyone else's but his wife's? You have a serious problem. You are underreacting. NTA.
    via turdpinata_yep
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    Euphoric Travel2541 NTA. You have every right to ask him to focus on your family unit now, and put money aside monthly for your future house and children and other goals. He has helped his parents tremendously. It's time to set a lower limit on that, and lower their expectations. Soon, some of the younger siblings will be able to contribute, too; perhaps they can all agree on a percentage contribution. But 12 children is a lot if they have limited means of their own. You can't keep supporting th
    via Euphoric_Travel2541

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