37-year-old dad insists stay at home mom of 12 and 14-year-olds get a job so she can support the family after he retires: 'She called me ungrateful and accused me of not appreciating all the hard work she does in the house'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Aug 8, 2025 8:00 PM EDT

The social role of the stay-at-home mom exists for economic reasons. If one parent makes enough to support their whole family, it's financially responsible for one parent to do the majority of the household and child-rearing labor, and the other to do the labor that makes paper money. That way, they don't have to outsource their childcare to daycares until their kid is in kindergarten and to summer camps until they're mature enough to stay home alone. 

Of course, not all families have enough money to support a stay-at-home mom so that they may outsource some of their childcare to grandparents or other family members. Then again, many mothers are reluctant to leave their careers, as even a brief absence can hinder future growth. It's a lot more challenging to go back to the workforce after years away from it than people might think. Even simple data entry jobs are not handed out to parents who haven't worked in 10 years.

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  • Tired young woman in a brown shirt rummages through storage container in bedroom
    via Andrej Lišakov (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • The dad in this story really wants his wife to go back to work because he is on the brink of retirement from his military career. She disagrees, thinking that she contributes plenty to the household without bringing in an income. 

  • My wife(37F) and I(37M) have been married for 15 years. We have two kids who are now 14 and 12(the eldest isn't mine), both in school from 730-3pm, the bus picks them up from the front of our house and drops them off.
    via u/Silly-Ranger-8435
  • Sometimes they'll have afterschool activities and stay until 5pm and i'll go pick them up after i get out of work on those days.
    via u/Silly-Ranger-8435
  • Portrait of a young man driving his car on his way to work transport concept
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • They're becoming more independent now, and I had a discussion with my wife about how she could get a job(she's never had one besides being a sahm) now that the kids are older and i'm retiring from my 20-year military career and could stay home and be a sahd now.
    via u/Silly-Ranger-8435
  • She doesnt enjoy cooking or cleaning, so i figured it'd be best if i step into those roles so we can eat less takeout and a more healthy diet. The kids eat breakfast and lunch at school and when they go to school she typically goes to the gym, yoga,
    via u/Silly-Ranger-8435
  • then goes for coffee, browses social media, then shopping or window shopping, or goes and does her hair, nails, eyebrows, eyelashes, makeup, etc then comes home to cook dinner.
    via u/Silly-Ranger-8435
  • Woman holding black frying pan with chicken and onions
    via Toa Heftiba

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • I brought it up as gently as I could, but she still called me ungrateful and accused me of "not appreciating all the hard work she does in the house." Now there's tension and she's acting cold towards me. AITA?
    via u/Silly-Ranger-8435
  • Ehxradio965 Not sure what rank you're retiring at but,: 1. Congrats on retiring 2. Make sure you do your VA stuff. Make sure any ache or pain is documented, and make sure its documented more than a couple of times. 3. Pick a low cost of living place to retire.
    via u/Ehxradio965
  • 4. Predict your VA dis lity and retirement check. Than make a budget from there, because there's no guarantee that she will get a job. Show her the breakdown of your guys cost of living/spending now. 5. Also get use to being paid once a month and how to budget that. It took me a few years after I got out to figure out how to manage going from two checks to one. 6. Just be honest with your wife.
    via u/Ehxradio965
  • MattDaveys Also to add, if he is eligible for the Gi bill then that can be allocated to his children. Even partially. My sister and I split our dad's. We each got 24 months which helped a bunch. It also might grant in-state tuition if you attend an out of state institution. But that depends on the school.
    via u/MattDaveys
  • KarateandPopTarts I think he needs to be honest with himself, too. Because I think he's minimizing her activities and making her seem like a frivolous airhead online, when in reality she contributes more to the household that he will admit. He says she doesn't like to cook and clean, not that she doesn't do those things. The groceries have to get bought, the meals planned, the schedules done, the appointments made, there's always some phone call to make or email to send or terrible customer serv
    via u/KarateandPopTarts
  • tripled this month and it has to be dealt with, the kids do activities, so the equipment has to be researched and bought and, "oh no, mom, I have a project due tomorrow and I need a poster board RIGHT NOW!" I know if I was doing all that and saw that the man who is supposed to love me told the entire Internet that all I do is window shop all day, I'd be pretty hurt
    via u/KarateandPopTarts
  • Upper-Ship4925 Not to mention that she's not going to be able to suddenly get a decent job after being out of the workforce since her early twenties. She's spent all that time facilitating his career instead of building her own and that's valuable work that should be recognised. Does he really want her to go and get a minimum wage job just to prove a point?
    via u/Upper-Ship4925
  • nontruculent21 That's correct. The reason he had his career was because she facilitated that. The reason she could be a stay at home mom is because he facilitated that. You have to think of things as equal or this is going to be a long resentful road to divorce.
    via u/nontruculent21
  • No_Refrigerator_4990 This is what I'm thinking too. I'm currently a mostly SAHM to three teens (I have a very part time job), and I honestly don't have a ton of spare time. In addition to the obvious stuff, like cooking and cleaning (which shouldn't be dismissed, as it takes a pretty significant portion of time), I am driving the kids places, taking them to the doctor, dentist, orthodontist, helping with homework, dealing with our two dogs and managing all the
    via u/No_Refrigerator_4990
  • vet, groomer, bathing, etc. I do all the laundry, make sure the house stays stocked with all the various things everyone needs, paying bills, dealing with random household stuff that pops up (I sat in a car dealership service department for three hours one day last week while a minor repair took way longer than expected). The list goes on and on.
    via u/No_Refrigerator_4990
  • And yeah, I have time to workout most days, I meet with my therapist once a week, and I do get together with friends a couple of times a month. However, there were MANY years when the kids were young that I didn't have a moment to myself to ever take care of myself, so I will feel zero guilt for having the spare time to do those things now. Anyway, maybe his wife does basically nothing around the house, but my guess is there is a lot he is overlooking.
    via u/No_Refrigerator_4990
  • Late-Judge8847 My gut says you're screwed on this one. She's never had a job and doesn't sound like she wants one. So what is your post military career going to be?
    via u/Late-Judge8847
  • arebum Yeah not really sure how this woman with no career experience is expected to support the family suddenly. Maybe she could get a job, but like, the pay expectations cant be that high without the work experience
    via u/arebum
  • Maadmin She's not being asked to support the family. Just contribute.
    via u/Maadmin
  • Novelsound NTA, but you're 15 years too late having this conversation.
    via u/Novelsound
  • leelee90210 Did you have this discussion about her getting a job once the children became more independent or this just another back burner issues you both ignored before she got pregnant?
    via u/leelee90210
  • Silly-Ranger-8435 OP We discussed it. I paid for childcare and for her college while the kids were young and now she has a bachelor's degree in psychology she hasn't used.
    via u/Silly-Ranger-8435
  • houseofbrigid 11 No one is interested in hiring someone for a professional position who has never had a real job. She will be working retail.
    via u/houseofbrigid11
  • Ferret-in-a-Box Yea and while a bachelor's in psychology generally isn't worthless in the way a lot of people. say it is (I have one myself and I've had multiple jobs in the field), the psych/mental health field has changed a LOT in the past 10-15 years. So a psych degree from back then with 0 job experience since getting the degree actually is basically worthless.
    via u/Ferret-in-a-Box

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