"Auntie" sets hard boundary with her best friend, a mother of a 3-year-old and 5-year old, when she begins dropping the kids with her unannounced and with no food or supplies: 'She says her budget is tight and she figured I already have food in the house'

Author image for Brad Dickson
Brad Dickson • Managing Editor
Nov 30, 2025 12:00 PM EST

Free childcare is nothing to take lightly. It's worth enough to the point that most couples have to seriously consider one spouse staying home since the cost of childcare, so they could return to work, would nearly eclipse their earnings anyway. 

As it is, childcare is an underappreciated and undervalued form of labor, and people like to make light of it despite the fact that they're in desperate need of it or don't want to do it themselves. It's one of those things where it's a big deal when you have to do it, but not a big deal when you're trying to have someone do it for you. When someone provides free childcare, even casually or occasionally, they're donating something of real value to you, and that's something that needs to be handled respectfully.

Friendships can survive anything, but also can be left on the cutting room floor over 1000 small cuts. It generally comes down to respect and mutual investment. 

Ditching your kids off with someone unannounced and not doing the proper setup and planning to make sure that things are easy for the person watching them are two things that aren't showing respect, and it's no surprise that this friend felt the need to draw a hard line in the sand and set boundaries where there were clearly none being followed or recognized.

As with almost anything, before long, it's only a matter of time before favor becomes an expectation. Whereas she had originally offered to look after the kids, she found that her friend was relying on her more and more for childcare, almost as if she was taking advantage of her love for the children.

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    An aunt and two young children play together and pose for a closeup photo
    via Josue Michel For Unsplash+

    The image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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    "[Am I wrong] for refusing to keep babysitting my best friend’s kids and basically feeding them every week?"

    My husband and I have 3 girls, 5, and 12. Our 12 year old is his from a previous relationship. Our 12 year old has an undiagnosed stomach issue. We're working with a gastroenterologist, they've done blood tests, stool tests, colonoscopies, endoscopies,
    via Purple_Hrtz
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    I 26F have best friend 27F since high school. She has two kids 5 and 3. I love them, and before this all blew up, I genuinely enjoyed spending time with them. Over the past year, Lilly has been relying on me more and more for quick favors that slowly turned into full childcare.
    via Purple_Hrtz
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    At first it was Can you watch them for an hour while I run to the store? Then it became Can they just stay with you until dinner? I'm exhausted. And recently it is I'll drop them off before work. You're home anyway. For context I work from home. I don't have kids. I'm not
    via Purple_Hrtz
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    their emergency contact. And I'm definitely not financially in a place where feeding two extra children multiple times a week is easy. The thing is, Lilly never packs them food ever, no snacks, no diapers half the time. And when I ask, she says her budget is tight and she figured I already have food in the house.
    via Purple_Hrtz
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    Which is true, but it's my groceries. I'm already stretching things for myself. Two weeks ago she dropped the kids off without even asking while I was in the middle of a meeting. Just knocked, waved, and left. I ended up having to feed them lunch and miss half my workday.
    via Purple_Hrtz
  • 07
    That night, I finally told her we needed boundaries. I said I can't babysit unless I agree in advance, and she needs to send food or money for meals. She got really cold and said she thought friends help each other and that she doesn't have anyone else. Then she accused me of acting brand new because I've helped before. A
    via Purple_Hrtz
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    few days later, she sent a long text saying she feels abandoned, that I don't understand how hard motherhood is, and that it must be nice having a child free life while my best friend is struggling. Trying to blackmail me emotionally and all and I'm
    via Purple_Hrtz
  • 09
    honestly not having it. Now she's barely speaking to me unless it's passive-aggressive. Our mutual friends are split some think she's using me, others think I should be more compassionate. I feel awful because I do care about her and her kids, and I know she's overwhelmed but I also feel like
    via Purple_Hrtz
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    she's crossing so many boundaries that I'm basically a free nanny and meal plan at this point. So AITA for refusing to keep babysitting and feeding my best friend's kids?
    via Purple_Hrtz
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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: I might be the asshole because I told my best friend Lilly that I would no longer babysit her kids unless she asked beforehand and provided food or money for their meals, and I refused to keep watching them when she tried to drop them off without
    via Purple_Hrtz
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    notice. This might make me the asshole because she says I abandoned her when she needed help and that I should've kept supporting her the way I had been.
    via Purple_Hrtz

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childcare friendship entitlement friends parenting entitled entitled people
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