Man cancels third lunch date with woman over her extreme peanut allergy, says he is unwilling to give up peanuts for her, despite their blossoming connection, she claims he's being immature: 'I love peanuts and eat them all the time'

Author image for Emma Saven
Emma Saven
Dec 23, 2025 6:00 PM EST

Should breaking up with someone over an extreme allergy be considered judgmental…or boundary-setting? 

Imagine going out with someone who's practically 'perfect on paper.' They're funny, polite, and have that sort of sparkle in their eye that could hypnotize an entire crowd into doing whatever they say. By the second date, you're already opening up to them as if they were an eager book club member, flipping through the pages of your life story. You're spilling silly facts, silly memories, and yep…even sillier jokes to add to the table convo…as you begin to wonder, could this be the face who stands at the end of the aisle, or who reads The Gruffalo to our kids before bed….No, no, shake it off, 'I'm getting ahead of myself', you remind your overly ambitious self! 

But as you're spilling facts, you notice his whole demeanor changes as you bring up your extreme peanut allergy…Sure, talks of marriage and kids didn't scare him off…but mention of a nutritious legume will certainly do the trick. Typical men, getting the ick when you least expect it! Suddenly, you're trying to confirm your third date, and instead of following through with the arrangement, he's expressing how he couldn't see himself dating a woman who's allergic to peanuts…Proving that his desire for nuts will always outweigh his desire for an exciting, healthy relationship!…Okay…

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  • Out of all the redflags out there, perhaps she dodged a bullet by avoiding a man who would put something spreadable above a potential relationship!

    That's one way to make a person feel insecure: tell them the only reason you won't date them is based on something they have absolutely no control over…The saddest part was that she felt the need to justify her allergy to him, telling him all the safety measures they could easily put in place to avoid putting her in any danger…Although he simply was not up for hearing it…But why?

  • Woman smiling at her partner while on a date
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    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • AITAH for cancelling a third date over a peanut allergy?

    A friend of mine set me up on a date with a coworker of hers. She said we were perfect for each other.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • Our first date was at a coffee shop, and then we arranged to meet up at a botanical garden the next week.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • While we were at the botanical garden she told me about her peanut allergy, which she described as life- threatening.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • I told her that must be stressful, and she said it was. We arranged for a lunch date this week at the end of the date.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • After that date I started thinking. I love peanuts and eat them all the time. I put peanut butter in/on a lot of stuff, including my dog's toys, which he drags all over my apartment, getting invisible peanut oil everywhere, I'm sure.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • I can't see a potential relationship with this woman ever progressing to a serious stage without me changing my diet and habits.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • At this point we've only been on two dates, and I think it would be more respectful of her time to not go on a third.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • So I called her and told her I was sorry, but we need to cancel. She asked if I wanted to reschedule, and I apologized but said I didn't think we would work out long term.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • She asked why, and I was honest. I said I really like peanuts and would be nervous about potentially harming her.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • Woman intensely refusing a bowel of peanuts
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    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • She said there were a lot of safety precautions we could take to keep her safe, and I admitted I know that but don't want to do them.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • She said "wow" and told me I'm immature. I apologized again, but she hung up. She told my friend what happened, and my friend is confused by my reasoning.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • She said her coworker said I'm a massive douche. I don't feel like I am. We only went on two dates.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • Two dates doesn't imply any commitment. I asked her if she agrees I'm a douche. She said she's not sure, but that my logic is "definitely weird." Do you guys agree?
    via BusinessBobcat9888

  • Wait…does he actually have a point? Maybe they aren’t as compatible as we thought. Does refusing to change your diet, habits, or even your pet’s routines to fit someone else make you a bad person? No, it just means you have boundaries you’re not willing to compromise, and maybe that’s okay.

    In his mind, could changing yourself over something as simple as a nut be a slippery slope, leading him to give up more of the things he loves in the future to make others happy? Perhaps ending things honestly on the third date is the best way to avoid wasting both of their time.

  • Amazing_Reality2980 NTA you don't need a reason to decide not to date someone, but a peanut allergy is a perfectly good one if you eat a lot of peanuts and don't want to give them up and don't want to deal with all the precautions to protect her. I probably would have just told her I'm not feeling the connection I want to feel in a relationship and feel it's best we both move on. Seems getting specific about why you don't want to date often brings a pretty negative response, so I prefer to just
    via Amazing_Reality2980
  • OP Business Bobcat9888 That makes sense. Thank your for the advice. I will keep it in mind for the future.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • Fast_Basket1087 NTA. You're not compatible.
    via Fast_Basket1087
  • OP Business Bobcat9888 Exactly! That's exactly my mindset. There are no bad guys in incompatibility.
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • Defiant_Trifle1122 You like peanuts more than you like her. That's fine. It could have just as easily been reversed if she didn't like dogs and dropped you because you have a dog. And that's fine too. Edit: My son has a life threatening allergy to cashews and pistachios. I pray that any future dates would gracefully bow out if they were not willing or able to remove those items from their life. Kissing someone after eating those foods can cause a reaction. You did the right thing OP.
    via Defiant_Trifle1122
  • OP Business Bobcat9888 I like your example. If someone found out I had a dog and then said they didn't want another date because they don't like dogs, I would be grateful. We wouldn't ever be able to live together, so why waste my time?
    via BusinessBobcat9888
  • A black puppy with a blue toy in his/her mouth
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    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • monsieurkaizer This is peanuts compared to other reasons people stop dating
    via monsieurkaizer
  • DragonSeaFruit NTA. The point of dating is to see if you two are compatible. You're clearly not.
    via DragonSeaFruit
  • Sufficient-Lie1406 Two dates isn't a commitment, certainly not a point where you plan to make major changes to your life to accommodate her serious allergy. Honestly I think you were being extremely considerate.
    via Sufficient-Lie1406
  • Over_Ad8762 You had to choose between her and peanuts. You chose peanuts. That's your choice whether people like it or not.
    via Over_Ad8762
  • NTA Trailsya I think she is the AH for being so angry about it.
    via Trailsya

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deal breaker compatibility peanut allergy dating priority
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