17-year-old refuses to contribute $250 of his own savings to his younger brother's present despite parents' guilt trips and ultimatums: 'I used to love [my family] but we're basically strangers who live under the same roof'

I think a lot of us go through this period as teenagers and into young adulthood, where we feel like strangers to our parents. Our parents still see us as their children, and we see the restrictions that our sheer proximity to them places on our lives to be

But it is important at that age, and perhaps it is socially biological, the young fledgling leaving the nest, the young male lion leaving the pride to find his own way. We need to feel as if we have some independence and build our own lives; we need to figure things out and make mistakes. Not doing this at this vital point in our development will only put us behind our peers and tragically leave us short of the maturity and experience that we might never discover.

Of course, along the way, we will realize that our parents were right about a lot of things. And we will find, as we age, that life has limitations and constraints of its own that we were blissfully unaware of and unable to see in our early days as young adults.

But in any loving and healthy family relationship, this estrangement from our parents should be a phase that emerges in our teen years, not one that becomes the norm as children, emerging due to their uncaring approach to us. We should not be forced to make ends meet on our own as children, to be pushed aside and forgotten by them in favor of the favorite child. We should not be strangers to our own parents as children in their home, our home. 

Love, responsibility, and obligation are essential pillars of family, but they can not exist without each other or without reciprocation. Obligation can not simply be forced upon someone when they haven't been given love and shown that there is an obligation there in return.

Author image for Brad Dickson Brad Dickson
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  • An older and younger brother seen from behind wrap their arms around each others shoulders
    via Vitolda Klein

    The image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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  • This 17-year-old was asked to contribute $250 toward his “favorite child” 8-year-old brother's Christmas present, by his parents, who had shown him a lifetime of being unwanted, as if he were some mere inconvenience that had gotten in the way of their lives. Despite this, when his younger brother arrived, he watched as his parents gave his brother everything he had been denied. The parents' feelings toward the teen, or lack thereof, compounded by everything they gave to his brother, had ensured that a wedge had grown between them and the teen, to the point where the teen viewed them as “strangers under the same roof." Still, despite the lack of love, responsibility, and obligation shown, his parents expect him to fulfill an “obligation” and help fund gifts for his brother. This being money that the teen sorely needs to save to escape the situation he has grown up in. Despite his hesitation and being unmoved by their guilt trips, his parents continue to pressure him and insist that he contribute.

  • "AITAH because I wouldn't help pay for my younger brother's Christmas present when I know how upset he will be about not getting it?"

    I (17m) have a younger brother (8). He's our parents favorite and they don't really try to hide it. They have admitted to everyone who knows them that he was so easy to love and they felt like real parents when they had him because they were ready and had planned for him. I was the cryptic
    via Losikseeks
  • pregnancy for my mom and I was born 3 hours after she found out she was pregnant. And I've seen photos of mom days before I was born. She had no bump or anything so I believe they really didn't know.
    via Losikseeks
  • I can't say I have a relationship with my parents. They pawned me off on anyone who would take me when I was too young to take care of myself. My brother was already born before they stopped pawning me off on anyone who'd take me and then I was in the house while they played happy family with him and I was on the outside.
    via Losikseeks
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  • Because of all that I don't have a relationship with my brother either. My parents treat me like the unwanted roommate they need. We never eat together as a family or do anything as a family. They do stuff as a family with my brother and that's kinda it. I bounce around still whenever friends can let me come over and that's really it.
    via Losikseeks
  • I work part time so I can save and get out of here. My parents know and they happily gave me all my papers a year and a half ago to do whatever the hell I want. The last three months I was sick on and off and around the house more and I heard talk and stuff about this present my brother wanted for Christmas. My parents intended to get him that and a bunch of other stuff but they ended up not being
    via Losikseeks
  • able to afford it. Then a couple of weeks ago they told me they couldn't afford it and asked me for $250 toward it. It shocked the hell out of me but I said no and told them I wasn't helping buy anything for anyone. They tried to guilt trip me and maybe it would work if I had some kind of connection to my brother, if I loved him in some way,
    via Losikseeks
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  • but I don't. There's nothing there for me. I feel the same about my parents too. I used to love them but we're basically strangers who live under the same roof.
    via Losikseeks
  • My parents pushed back on my refusal but I didn't give in and then they brought up to my brother that he might not get it, but they backtracked because he got really upset. I heard all of it but still didn't care. They asked me to change my mind
    via Losikseeks
  • because I know how upset he'll be on Christmas Day when he realizes. They told me as late as last night that they can still get it if I give them $250 for it. But my answer's the same and I know he'll be upset and he might cry all day Christmas but still my answer is no. Does that make me TAH?
    via Losikseeks
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  • olagorie NTA but I am I understanding this right that $250 isn't even the whole present. It's only a part of the present? WTF?? This sounds like an insane amount of money to me, especially for such a small child
    via Losikseeks
  • OP Losikseeks Yeah, I'm not sure how much it is total. I think the $250 is a little under half of the overall cost. They always spend hundreds on him for Christmas and his birthdays each year. $250 is basically nothing compared to what I know they already spent and spend every other year.
    via Losikseeks
  • Melodramatic Mouse Make sure your parents don't have access to your money. I have a feeling that if pressuring you doesn't work they might just decide to force the issue.
    via Losikseeks
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  • OP Losikseeks They don't have access to it. They might think they do but they really don't. I made sure I could keep it from them because I can't ever trust them to do right by me.
    via Losikseeks
  • NTA Riddleboxboy Fuuuuuuck that. Hes 8 wtf could he possibly need or deserve at that age that requires and ADDITIONAL $250 for?? $250 ALONE should give an 8 year old the best Christmas ever.
    via Losikseeks
  • OP Losikseeks They normally spend so much more than that on him. He gets a lot of stuff and it's usually expensive stuff he gets. My parents spoil him like he's their only, because I guess they feel that way about him. But $250 would cover so little of what he normally gets.
    via Losikseeks
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  • Lanky_Score7414 I can already tell they're going to be like "Sorry but your older brother decided you didn't deserve that gift" or some other shit so that they can put the blame on you instead of them promising something they can't do.
    via Losikseeks
  • OP Losikseeks Oh yeah, I fully expect them to do that but it won't change anything for me. Another person disliking my existence won't change anything for me.
    via Losikseeks
  • Competitive-Place280 This is so sad. I'm sorry for you. NTA. Make sure they don't have access to your money
    via Losikseeks
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  • OP Losikseeks They can't access my money. They might think I can but they can't.
    via Losikseeks
  • Riddleboxboy I get that, but the point still stands, he doesn't NEED that much. Hes also not your responsibility or problem. They had him, they literally created everything aspect of this current situation. Save your money and get out asap.
    via Losikseeks
  • OP Losikseeks I totally agree but they want him to have everything he wants. He gets some of the craziest stuff for someone his age. But if he asks for it, he gets it.
    via Losikseeks
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  • ashinymess Wow, that's an expensive gift right there, with the games?? Definitely a planning issue on your parents' part. That absolutely stinks. I'm sorry. Make doubly sure your money is protected. If you want to develop that relationship with your wider family, it may take some time and may only come when you're older. I really wish you well.
    via Losikseeks
  • OP Losikseeks Honestly I'm not sure I'll even waste my time trying to have a relationship with people who are so obvious about having some kind of issue with me. It's not my fault I was born or that I was dumped on all of them.
    via Losikseeks
  • Loony_Leftist NTA - little bro sounds like a spoilt brat of your parents' making. Idk, maybe kids really have changed in the last 37 years, but I can't imagine being 8yo and even asking for something that cost that much, let alone throwing a fit if I couldn't get it. OP, you are being parentified by them expecting you to support your brother's Christmas whims financially. You are not his parent. After the way they've behaved, you're barely his sibling. If they wanted you to care about him, they
    via Losikseeks
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  • OP Losikseeks He is spoiled and he does like to get his way and he always asks for expensive stuff. My parents never ever have an issue with it. I guess because they treat him like he's their only.
    via Losikseeks
  • ashinymess That's such a large amount of money for part of a gift, dang. What are they doing, buying him ski gear??? (Jk I'm guessing Switch 2?? Which means you're still paying a lot.) Nta, that's on them for not managing his expectations when they couldn't afford his big ticket item. Be prepared for your parents to be weird about this, and make sure your bank account doesn't have their names on it as join owners. Are you close to any of your other family? Maybe spend time with them or one of yo
    via Losikseeks
  • OP Losikseeks I can't even remember what they're getting him but he already has a Switch 2. He got that for his birthday with a bunch of games. I'm not close to my other family members. I have tried to be but I suspect a lot of resentment built up over me being pawned off on so many people when I was younger.
    via Losikseeks
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  • Intelligent_Might902 How did your mother not notice missing 9 months of menstrual cycles while pregnant with you??
    via Losikseeks
  • OP Losikseeks No idea. Maybe she thought she was getting them or just wasn't regular.
    via Losikseeks

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