Parents want 20-year-old daughter to move in with 24-year-old brother because they don't trust her to live independently, don't understand why brother refuses: 'I live with my fiancée and while we do have a spare bedroom, my fiancée is 4 months pregnant'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Jan 27, 2026 10:00 PM EST

An older sibling should never be fully responsible for their younger sibling. 

"Parentification" happens all the time, and we should try our best to stop it in its tracks. This is when parents rely on/force their older children to take care of their younger children. They force them to take on the responsibilities of childcare while they're still children themselves, which ends up impeding everyone's development. Maybe the parents do it because they see it as a way to offload their duties, or maybe they're just absent and their children have no choice but to step up. Either way, it's unfair to the kids and should be called out when we see it. But it's all too common, and ends up putting the older children in difficult situations. Even when they try to branch away and make lives for themselves, the responsibilities end up coming back down on them. 

But this happens sometimes even without due cause. Like in this story, where the parents were so overprotective of their seemingly normal child that they made it everyone else's problem. Even though she was a regular young adult living with peers and attending school, they hovered over her every move. Even worse, they made her older brother hover over her every move. The brother was willing to comply up to a point, but when they started to ask a little more of him, he understandably bristled. He had just started to carve out an independent life, and he wasn't willing to forgo any of that.

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  • A man in a beanie talks on the phone
    via Colton Sturgeon

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • It's hard enough to get independence in the first place, but it's sometimes even harder to maintain it. Especially if you have a family that leans on you for support. That's what happened to this young man, who was starting a family of his own when his parents put him in an uncomfortable situation. They wanted him to assume more of a parent role to his sister, who was only 4 years younger than he was. Even worse, they wanted him to allow her to live in their house. When he said no, it caused more problems. Read on to see what happened in this story.

  • Am I wrong for telling my parents that I will not parent my younger adult sister?

    I (M24) work at a university as IT support. I have a younger sister "Cleo" (F20) who started studying at this university in the Autumn of last year. She's moved out of the family home and into a houseshare with two friends (our parents live 3 hours away from the school). I love my sister but for some background she can be quite immature for her age. I think my parents have babied her a lot.
    via u/Magic_Window_8161
  • When Cleo got accepted into the university and decided that's where she's going, my parents made it clear they want me to keep tabs on her. They were worried she's going to get a sketchy boyfriend, start drinking or just generally be reckless. I told my parents I'd check in with her to make sure she's ok but I'm not interested in spying on her every move. They'd frequently call me to ask what Cleo is up to. Everytime I'd say she seems fine but you should ask her yourselves.
    via u/Magic_Window_8161
  • It's been pretty uneventful. Cleo seemed like her normal perky self and always told me she was fine when I asked aside from a few small arguments with her housemates.
    via u/Magic_Window_8161
  • In the new year Cleo tried to start up a Tiktok-based cookie business. Last week, she called me because she had accidentally caused a kitchen fire. She fell asleep while cookies were in the oven (she said her phone's alarm didn't go off) and when she took them out they were in flames and she dropped them on the floor,
    via u/Magic_Window_8161
  • and firefighters had been called. No one was hurt and other than the kitchen flooring and a bit of the walls there's no major damage to the house and it's being covered by insurance and her deposit. I comforted Cleo (who was understandably upset) and helped her talk to her landlord.
    via u/Magic_Window_8161
  • When my parents found about this they were absolutely distraut. They said they don't think Cleo can be trusted to be independent and demanded that I invite her to live with me so that I can keep an eye on her. I live with my fiancée and while we do have a spare bedroom, my fiancée is 4 months pregnant with our first ever child, so we already have a lot going on. Plus, I don't think this would help Cleo be a responsible adult.
    via u/Magic_Window_8161
  • My parents don't seem to understand my perspective and said it's my duty as Cleo's big brother to take care of her, and they don't feel comfortable having Cleo live away from home unless she's with me. They seem convinced that she will do this again and genuinely worried but I don't think she would after that scare, and everyone makes mistakes. We ended up arguing over this and I said I'm not going to parent my adult sister. AITA for not doing more for her like my parents want?
    via u/Magic_Window_8161
  • A woman in college stands with her books on the sidewalk
    via Unsplash+ (A. C.)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • Commenters tried to shed more light on the situation.

    Rhododendron Williams Absolutely NTA. Context: was Cleo sick as a child, is she neuroatypical, does she have mental illness? Because they seem fine with YOU being independent. My parents are like that with me too. I've tried to talk to them about it, show I'm OK on my own, even if I do have mental illness and it affects me a lot. They never listen to me, whether I tell them calmly or angrily. This will probably never stop. I'm 46 and I moved out of home at age 19. It's infuriating. Sometimes I j
    via u/RhododendronWilliams
  • Magic_Window_8161 Original Poster's Reply Cleo is fine mentally and isn't neurodivergent. She was quite sickly as a child and was always at the doctor for something but hasn't had any serious health issues since. If she really needed a place to stay (such as if the house burnt down) my fiancée and I would welcome her with open arms but I do agree with you she isn't a little girl anymore and needs to learn how to stand on her own.
    via u/Magic_Window_8161
  • Thriillsy NTA Them failing to raise her does not obligate you to do so. Edit: So I posted this in a rush and to clarify, I am not saying this as a slight against OPs sister. She does not sound that bad to me. This blanket statement for anytime that a parent claims it is the duty of one child to care for or assist their other child(ren) regardless of whether that care an assistance is minor or major. Would it be nice if they could help their sister? yes of course, but they are not an asshole for
    via u/Thriillsy
  • Dazzling-Ad5857 Possibly the easiest NTA I've read on this sub lol. "She IS going to do this again, so make sure it's at your house, where our only grandchild is going to live" is pretty funny though.
    via u/Dazzling-Ad5857
  • No-Solid3265 NTA. She is not your responsibility. Yes the thing with the cookies wasn't good but she's hopefully learned her lesson. You are having a baby and that should be your focus. Not your sister.
    via u/No-Solid3265
  • TizMahBiz NTA but you are a great brother for all you've already done to help her. Your parents seem to be helicopter parents and might be part of the reason she's as irresponsible as she is. Adding another grown adult to a house expecting a child is not the answer. Allowing her to either flourish or flounder is the only way your sister will truly grow.
    via u/TizMahBiz
  • ih8pickles 7824 NTA. Cleo probably is enjoying the little freedom she has right now, and is glad you're not adding to her helicopter parents.
    via u/ih8pickles7824
  • thriftstorefemme NTA...they are overreacting. She's fully an adult. I'm sure all adults have at some point burnt something in the oven before and I'd bet this incident will scare her straight enough that she won't let it happen again. She doesn't suddenly need adult supervision. Maybe you can help out by buying your parents a gift certificate for some pottery classes or something else to keep them more occupied and out their grown kids business lol
    via u/thriftstorefemme
  • Dazzling Outcome_436 NTA, I'm a parent of 4 grown kids and I teach high school and college. Trust me when I say that Cleo needs to make mistakes now while she still has a safety net. Everyone will make mistakes growing up, but putting off the transition into being allowed to make mistakes on her own will only result in her making her first, most dumbass mistakes at a time when they can profoundly affect her future, instead of just being a learning experience.
    via u/Dazzling_Outcome_436
  • hbekk92 Uh, NTA. Chloe is an adult in college and you are busy with your own life, the request from your parents is ridiculous for you and insulting for her.
    via u/hbekk92
  • Sherlockedin221B NTA Cleo is very lucky no one got hurt and there wasn't a lot of damage but it was ultimately a mistake that she probably won't repeat. She needs to be given space to make mistakes and figure out how to handle them on her own. Ultimately both of you are adults who don't have to listen to what your parents want.
    via u/Sherlockedin221B

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parentification brother living together siblings helicopter parents parenting helicopter sister adult children Parenting Fail
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