35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week

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  • 01
    Dive t @Divegod A perfect pilot would land the plane lumi @ilylumii. 3d What TV show had a perfect pilot? I'll start: JOST 3:49 PM 2/3/26 • 2.1M Views 331 1 7.6K 113K ☐ 1.9K 企
  • 02
    Natalie Morrill @natalie_morrill My brother is a scientist & regularly publishes papers. He has a nemesis on the other side of the world who doggedly publishes objections to his analyses. Few of us get to achieve this kind of professional beef in the 21st century & I find this enviable 12:38 PM 2/2/26 3.2M Views 407 16K 233K ☐ 12K
  • 03
    ned! @nedsore the shower is the alternate dimension where I realize I'm low on shampoo but as soon as I step through the curtain I'm transported back to this dimension where all my memories are wiped like in severance and I won't remember i'm out of shampoo until im back in the shower Last edited 9:32 AM 2/4/26 1.5M Views . 235 1 9.7K 151K 3.7K ↑
  • 04
    tartaglia (combat advice) @ajaxintheair stop saying the phrase "hurt people hurt people" around me because i just hear a command twice • 10:16 AM 2/5/26 790K Views 95 1 7.3K 62K ☐ 2.6K ↑
  • 05
    its only Joe @JoeTheCynic For those mad that Bad Bunny will performing mostly Spanish at halftime and won't understand, we've been listening to Pearl Jam for years and still don't know what Eddie Vedder is saying 7:01 PM 2/6/26 2.3M Views • 421 17 2.9K 31K ☐ 830 企
  • 06
    jon drake @DrakeGatsby I just had a delicious meal using only 3 ingredients - 1 beer - 2 more beers 2:42 PM 2/5/26 1.5M Views • 128 17 4.8K 63K ☐ 1.3
  • 07
    Dan. @fwdaniels when you have a gambling addiction and the therapist says i bet you can't quit 0:08 4:20 PM 2/2/26 1.4M Views 389 19.1K 94K ☐ 4.4K ↑
  • 08
    Dave @tufdave My manager was complaining about how unprofessional this new generation is with resigning jobs. He said his last employee quit by sending a message that said "it's giving shackled. I quit" Imfao 9:06 AM 2/2/26 1.8M Views 673 17 8.9K 88K ☐ 4.2K ↑
  • 09
    rudy betrayed @rudy_betrayed One time I gave my id and the lady said "sorry can't sell you this beer. Says right here you were born in 2022" She was looking at the issue date I was like you think I'm standing in front of you right now 3 years old? Brent Black @brentalfloss. 2d I'll never understand why expired IDs aren't accepted as proof of your age I was 40 before it expired, I'm not 19 now 12:43 AM 2/5/26 1.3M Views 65 2.5K 72K 781 ↑
  • 10
    femmenotes @femmenote How i read 21:47 how I read 1 day 2 months 4 hours LTE O
  • 11
    golden ⚫ @goldensflowers adhd is so funny why am i procrastinating playing a video game. that i want to play • 6:48 AM 2/2/26 3.7M Views 976 1 38K 322K ☐ 14K ↑
  • 12
    Danny Conrad → @DannyJConrad Walked past him and said "I think you're in the wrong seat." He took his AirPods out and said "what." I said "I think you're in the wrong seat" He said "no I'm 27C" and I said "ha Im just makin a joke that you should be in the pilot seat." He said "ah" and put his AirPods back in
  • 13
    mel @hwrtyed i miss the god complex english class gave me 9:42 PM 2/4/26 1.3M Views • 93 17 22K 101K ☐ 2.9K
  • 14
    S @dollarbillbluez This tweet was funny when I first saw it years ago but I turned 23 last night and it was literally like this extremely online guy ✰ @nickmullen Turning 23 tonight. Lets get this fuckin party started! • 12:57 AM 13 Dec 11 81 Retweets 268 Likes
  • 15
    Spectra @spectraimsim I cant stand these millennial tech companies with these 'cute' nonsense names like "granola" or "clay." if I had a company youd see me calling that shit the American Computing Corporation. National Electron. United Tabulation. thats a name with some chest hair O Andreas Storm Granola got a rebrand @avstorm 4d old new granola ⑥granola 10:33 AM 2/3/26 2M Views 554 1 5.4K 78K ☐ 5.1K ↑
  • 16
    Tulbu @Whotfismick I'm this old Goog Miss Good Luch ra Lost lack xCha 094 www FLOVE you Mark lotsex speid xx EMIL Friends forever Love ya Surch Good luck DAVE from Adom goo. Codluck Good Beaut дос Luck Good love Dan LOVE XXX YOU You Good luck! From d LAURA WOA Vick Danie Esa だ Paggie's 03-08 Good luck шай Emz Geord thnx 4' Luck the fun Good Lots of Love kelsey tyms!! Toby XXX سال ہے All the of la chay bud se CK ude Love GO кау! To Amy, It's been a great 7 th Friends years being you. next year! S
  • 17
    @doubtpointv2 Sometimes I'm not flirting I'm just anthropologically interested in what you have going on. 9:17 AM 2/5/26 774K Views 61 12K 57K 4.1K 1
  • 18
    Alex Socoloff @socoloffalex Me: Sending *final_final_final_design.pdf* Client: Thnx, it's a good start Me: From Corporate Dudes 2:38 PM 2/2/26.1M Views 136 4.4K Ž 58K ☐ 2.6K ↑
  • 19
    Priyanka Lakhara @codewithpri IT'S WILD THAT THE MOST EFFECTIVE WAY TO SAVE SOMETHING AS A PDF IS TO LIE TO YOUR COMPUTER THAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO PRINT IT 6:37 AM 2/5/26 5.5M Views 694 16K 270K ☐ 8.9K ↑
  • 20
    daz☑ @MetamateDaz Gen Z does not understand that the economy used to be so good that if you had a roommate people genuinely thought you might be gay. 10:00 AM 2/5/26 6M Views 603 14K 259K ☐ 8.1K 1
  • 21
    420Matt @420matt9191 Just ate an edible called "Rosa Parks" ... I ain't get out my seat in 5 hours 1:01 PM 2/4/26 1.5M Views • 188 12.5K 53K ☐ 2.4K
  • 22
    Amtrak @Amtrak THE UNBRIDLED GREATNESS OF TRAINS WILL ENDURE FOR A MILLION YEARS 12:00 PM 2/5/26 8.6M Views • 1.5K 10K 57K ☐ 3.2K ↑
  • 23
    claire rogers @kclairerogers My brother has this unique approach to fitness where he doesn't exercise, but he does run one mile on the treadmill at the beginning of each month. If he breaks six minutes then he doesn't work out until the start of the following month when he tests his speed again 55 5:50 mile Still in shape B Rogers > Chicago, IL Today 6:06 PM Now can have as much Taco Bell as I want in Feb 6:15 PM 2/5/26 2.8M Views 236 1.1K ☑ 107K ☐ 2.5K ↑
  • 24
    sine. @sneminaj apparently telling your coworker that you knew they were born by c-section the way they avoid labor is not acceptable 7:08 AM 2/5/26 2.2M Views 272 18.1K 116K 9K
  • 25
    BRYAN Scott Bryan @scottygb "I've been cast at the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony" "What are you?" "A stovetop espresso maker." BBC 2:13 PM 2/6/26 1.2M Views 167 27 4K 54K ☐ 1.6K ↑
  • 26
    @htvzn the difference between summer and winter olympics is so funny winter athletes be risking they lives • 3:43 PM 2/5/26 5.4M Views Q5 4.4K 88K ☐ 2.2K ↑
  • 27
    Alexander Rossi @AlexanderRossi So like do we not need ACL's? Did big ACL bamboozle all of us? → NBC Olympics & Paralympics @NB.... 8h Just one week after tearing her ACL, Lindsey Vonn has completed her Olympic training run in Cortina. The women's downhill competition takes place this Sunday. VNHILL-TRAINING A
  • 28
    uninspired beige @TallForNxthing We're just supposed to Nancy Reagan it for a couple minutes before we touch bun? FOOD BEAST foodbeast @foodbeast 21h Ikea's new $5 hot dog is 20 inches long. Does that change how we think about "value" food? IKEA 9:46 AM 2/3/26 1.1M Views → 77 11.8K ΙΚΕΑ 31K ☐ 1.2K ↑
  • 29
    Jay Alto @theJayAlto you pity the moth confusing a lamp for the moon, yet here you are confusing a screen for the world • 4:33 PM 2/5/26 975K Views 315 12K 69K ☐ 9.1K ↑
  • 30
    soup @thrluv next rage bait idea: like your own texts during an argument 7:42 PM 2/4/26 2.5M Views • 511 17 8K 133K ☐ 7.1K
  • 31
    Klara @klara_sjo How Corvette owners dress when their wife tells them they're going to a fancy restaurant 11:56 AM 2/5/26 1.5M Views 131 1891 N 7.7K ☐ 600 ↑
  • 32
    internetsacha @thugmajesty7 this tv was created specifically for buffalo bills fans I XuZhenqing徐祯卿 @XueJia24682·2d ATV produced by a Chinese enterprise is explosion-proof and unbreakable. It can withstand impacts without damage, making it a practical and durable TV choice. 树脂屏防爆电视 嵋山 L 谈会 1:13 PM · 1/31/26·682K Views 44 ↓ 1.9K 言 38K 1K 企
  • 33
    just Mau @catmussings Translated from Spanish by Grok Yesterday I died laughing with my friend's story about her new gynecologist: Dr: Let's see *lifts the sheet* what's the name of this monster? Her : Well... sometimes I call it Débora Dr: ? Her : Débora the Devourer Dr : I was actually referring to the tattoo on your leg Her: Oh, that one's a Totoro Rate this translation: B 2:20 PM 1/31/26 822K Views 110 1 1.3K 40K ☐ 1.3K ↑
  • 34
    sarah @wetneptune I just thrifted a skirt & when I showed my mom, she said she had the same skirt in the early 00s. she asked what brand it was & I said "fashion bug, but someone wrote on the tag". she laughed & said "I used to write my initials on the tags of my clothes" & when I looked again, I noticed it was her initials lol . 12:40 PM 1/31/26 1.5M Views 107 17 1K 66K ☐ 2.8K ↑
  • 35
    devin @fartpog Ohhh its called washington dc cause dc stands for Da Capital GIF ALT . 2:28 PM 2/6/26 805K Views 132 1 6.7K 92K ☐ 2.2K ↑
  • 36
    Queer Latifah @TheAfrocentricI I too would retire from the company that left me up in space for 9 months when I was only supposed to be there for 8 days. Pop Base @PopBase 1/21/26 Sunita Williams, one of the astronauts that was stranded in Space for 9 months, announces she is retiring from NASA. 2:28 PM 1/21/26.7.3M Views 491 17 26K 471K ☐ 6.1K 企
  • 37
    r @tennisbish Winter Olympics is so crazy like everyone is either wearing knives on their feet or throwing themselves down a mountain. and then there's curling 2:39 PM 2/7/26 1.9M Views • 180 10K 136K ☐ 3.4K
  • 38
    jon drake @DrakeGatsby Super Bowl commercials can be boiled down to either: - Remember this thing? Ha ha us too - You can gamble on gender reveals now 9:57 AM 2/8/26 560K Views . 22 17 2.2K 43K ☐ 600 ↑
  • 39
    Jason Mustian (derogatory) @jasonmustian *wife walks in* "What are you doing?" "Oh hey honey, uhh, we're practicing for this new winter Olympic event" And that, kids, is how the two man luge was invented. vex 16 9:05 AM 2/8/26 603K Views 57 17265 USA 6.3K ☐ 402

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