College grad stops giving their friend rides to work because they expect daily pickups despite being 20 minutes late every time: 'It started to feel like my time just does not matter'

• I was always under the impression that friendship goes two ways. If you were my friend, I would be your friend. Everyone helps each other out, and we're there for each other when we need a shoulder to cry on, a lift from the airport, or a reference on our residential lease application. On and on the cycle continues. However, as I grew older and realized more and more that life isn't like the YA books I devoured as a kid, friendships are far more nuanced and complicated than that. 

  Not every friendship is equal on both sides. 

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• “WIBTA if I stopped picking up my friend after work even though it only takes me a few extra minutes?”

• "So I have this friend from college, we have been close for years and usually get along really well. About three months ago she got a new job near my office, and since I drive home anyway she asked if I could give her a ride a couple times a week."

• “At first it felt like no big deal, it is literally a small detour and we get to catch up, so I said yes. The thing is it slowly turned into an everyday thing, and not just that, she started asking me to wait if she is running late, sometimes like 15 or 20 minutes. I tried to be chill about it because I know starting a new job can be stressfull, but after a while it started to feel like my time just does not matter.”

• “Last week I had kind of a long day and just wanted to go home, but she texted me last minute saying she would be late again and asked me to wait. I said I couldnt that day and she seemed kinda upset, like I was letting her down. Since then it has been a bit awkard between us, and yesterday she joked that I am her “personal driver” now which honestly did not sit right with me.”

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• “I am thinking about telling her I can only do rides like once a week max, but part of me feels like I am overreacting since it really is not a huge inconvenience most days. At the same time I feel a bit used and I dont want this to build resentment. WIBTA if I set that boundary and stopped being available all the time?”

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• Some friends take advantage, while others bend over backwards. More commonly, friendships are very one-sided, revealing one person to be more of a “taker” than they are a “giver.” In the case of these college graduates, it became painfully clear that only one of the girls was willing to act like a friend to the other, and this discrepancy showed the true colors of their seemingly solid friendship. Cracks formed, gas money was never paid, and this daily commute was taking more out of this young woman's life than a 45-minute detour: it was going to cost her a friend if she kept at it. 

• Maturely, and concerning her own personal well-being, this young woman stepped up and stood up for herself, defending her time because her friend didn't respect it. At the end of the day, time is one commodity nobody should take advantage of; it's precious and finite, just like the best friendships that prove to be equal and just on both sides. 

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• Karkenna

  I’d tell her you can’t do it at all anymore. Even if you can. Even if it’s no big deal normally. Her reaction to “no” tells you a lot. She changed the goal posts from occasionally to daily. She’s joking you’re her personal driver, which is a way to tell you that’s how she sees your friendship as one that benefits her.

• Chalkduster-18

  You "feel a bit used" because you ARE a bit used. If you want to continue, limit it to one day per week, say, every Monday? If you're ready to give it up, tell her you're done. She'll be annoyed to lose a free ride, but that's on her, not on you. She should be offering to help with gas, not joking about having a "personal driver."

• minuetteman

  Does she buy coffee occasionally and/or chip in for gas? No? Cut her loose when she runs late. Her failure to be on time is not your problem.

• buildersent

  Is she a friend of yours since college or a friend you had in college, big difference.

  It's time the young lady grows up and figures out how to drive, take a bus, etc and be an adult and handle life.

  Does she pay for gas? Does she treat you to dinner if she holds you up? It sure sounds like you are letting her walk all over you.

  Time to cut the cord and let this child grow up.

• Sad_Source3052

  Tell her you can't pick her up or if you think that is too harsh then tell her you won't wait anymore. Is she running late? Too bad, you leave at x time and not later, no coulance because that will only make it get back to this.

• Ill_Industry6452

  NTA. You were doing her a favor. You aren’t obligated to wait if she isn’t out on time. You aren’t obligated to driver her at all. Sadly, she is now taking you for granted rather than appreciating you. It your car and time. You can just say no.

  A granddaughter had the same thing with a coworker whose car quit. She wasn’t even a very nice person normally. A month later, still no car. I suggested she give the woman til the end of the week, and after that, she would have to find her own ride home. The lady was angry and said she didn’t need her. But, granddaughter no longer feels responsible for her.

• GoldenGoof19

  Is she splitting gas costs? Buying you coffee a couple times a week? Adding ANYTHING to this inconvenience other than her presence?

  If not, then no you’re NTA. But I’d have a conversation with her about how it’s become an every day thing and she’s not even being considerate of your time

• Aeoniuma

  NTA. It isn’t an inconvenience until it is. She will assume more and more. Give her the lift by all means but tell her you will pick her up if she waiting, as you have things to do; otherwise she will have to make her own way. None of this “oh can you just wait 20 minutes” bs.

• HunterGreenLeaves

  She made the joke about your being a "personal driver" because she recognizes that she's been benefiting from the arrangement.

  Shift to once a week on a day that both of you have time for supper together, so you have a time to catch up without stress - maybe a Friday thing. That'll both cut back the drives, and have a social purpose to the rides.

• DJ1952

  She is NOT your friend. She is using you and is contemptuous while she’s doing it as evidenced by her “personal driver” comment and by her disrespect of your time by being late. She manages to get to and from work on the days you don’t drive her. Why can’t she use that method every day?

• LowerDaddy2769

  Don’t let her take advantage of you which is what she is doing. Set boundaries and limits to how many days a week and you will wait. If she complains tell her that you are done.

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