Parents pay off 32-year-old son's $67K in student loan debt, give nothing to their 29-year-old daughter who has been paying her $71K student loans for 7 years

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Emmy Pratt • Senior Editor
May 13, 2026 12:30 PM EDT

Why wouldn't they help both of their children if they could?

Parents should treat their kids equally, but they can't always do that. There are good reasons not to always treat your kids exactly the same. One of your kids might need a lot more support to function on a basic level, so you have to give them more attention than a kid who can function well on their own. The problem is that the "independent" kid can often feel left behind and forgotten by their parents, and that is no good. Sometimes, the kid who is getting all the support doesn't necessarily "need" that support. He knows he will get it from his parents, and he is willing to deliberately act incompetent to get it. Parents who give their children the opportunity to sink or swim are doing them a much greater favor than those who bail them out at the first sign of friction. 

If you're going to 67 bands to help to one of your children, you shouldn't leave the other child struggling. If you decide not to help your children with their debt, that's all well and good, but you shouldn't pay off one kid's debt in full and leave the other with no financial help, unless you want the kid you didn't help to resent you for the rest of their life. 

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  • Happy Caucasian senior couple using laptop at home
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    Aging parents pay off their son's student loan debt, while doing nothing to help their daughter with hers.

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • My parents paid off my brother's student loans ($67k) as a "gift." When I asked why they never offered me the same, my mom said "you're more independent." I genuinely don't know how to feel about this.

    I (29F) found out last week completely by accident. My brother (32M) let it slip during a family dinner that he was "finally debt-free." I asked how, thinking he got a raise or something, and he got quiet. My mom jumped in and said they helped him out.
    via u/Far-Emphasis-3128
  • A man sitting at a table with a plate of food in front of him
    via Matthew Moloney

    Adult son happily shares the news that he's debt free.

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • I graduated with $71k in student loans. I've been paying them down for 7 years. I've never once asked my parents for money because and I'm embarrassed to admit this I genuinely thought they didn't have it. Turns out they did. They just... didn't offer.
    via u/Far-Emphasis-3128
  • When I brought it up privately with my mom, she said my brother "was struggling more" and that I've always been "the independent one." She meant it as a compliment. It didn't land that way.
    via u/Far-Emphasis-3128
  • A woman sitting at a table with a laptop
    via Toa Heftiba (Unsplash+)

    Adult daughter works hard to take care of herself and pay off her student loan debt. 

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • I'm not furious. I don't want to blow up my family. But I also can't just pretend this doesn't sting. My brother feels guilty. My dad won't engage. And I'm sitting here wondering if "you're capable" has been their justification for treating us differently my whole life.
    via u/Far-Emphasis-3128
  • Has anyone dealt with financial inequality like this between siblings? Did you ever bring it up directly with your parents and did it help or just make things worse?
    via u/Far-Emphasis-3128
  • ziniabutterfly Truly, let the golden child take care of them when they are old or pay for their care.
    via u/ziniabutterfly
  • Lanky-Negotiation447 This is exactly my plan. My parents have helped out my sister left and right because she had kids when she couldn't afford it and her partner isn't the most helpful person. Because I have an extremely hard working and capable husband and haven't put myself in a bad situation I am barely ever offered help. we are NOT well off by any stretch I think they think I don't see the Venmo's being sent every week.
    via u/Lanky-Negotiation447
  • bellesearching_901 Girl. I'd start a little distancing. Just maybe not as quick to say you're free for this or that. They love you but why they would help one child and not the other out of the same type of debt is mind numbing.
    via u/bellesearching_901
  • tyintegra I was just talking to someone about this last week where parents a lot of times penalize the more stable/successful/independent child by not doing something nice for them. So they're basically saying that it's not a good thing to be successful and that it is a good thing to not be successful. It's a pretty weird precedent to set. In my opinion, everything should be as equal as possible.
    via u/tyintegra
  • Difficult Teach_2508 Yeah, it turns into this weird "you cope better so you get less" logic, which doesn't really feel fair at all. Being capable shouldn't quietly disqualify you from care or support.
    via u/Difficult Teach_2508
  • LittleNightBright My dad had this philosophy that I really respected. "I help those who help themselves." He had to see you putting in your own effort and money before he helped you. It taught me how to be independent and I rarely actually needed the help because I almost always figured it out myself. He'd still float me the occasional support and say he knew I didn't need it, but that I deserved it. That was pretty awesome.
    via u/LittleNightBright
  • isaacfisher As a father (even if my kids are young) I got to say that nothing can't really be completely equal. You want all your kids to be happy and successful and if one of them is struggling you will put extra care to make sure he will not, even if it means that there will be unequal distribution of help. That being said, that doesn't mean you shouldn't make effort to balance it and (unless there's some really extreme reason*) paying tens of thousands in debt for one and not the other and hi
    via u/isaacfisher
  • McFlyandl Feel like sh because it's a thing to do. I worked like a dog to pay my college tuition and buy myself a car to get there. My younger brother got his tuition paid and was supplied with a car by my parents because "he wouldn't go" otherwise. They're both 90 now and guess who's taking care of them? Yep the responsible one. F that.
    via u/McFlyandl
  • inksaywhat Lots of toxic angry advice here but I lived through this same problem and as far as I can tell you have two options: be bitter or be better. It s ks. It's not fair. So is so much of life but as far as you and this goes there are two general directions from here. Be bitter about it and all of Reddit will side with your anger and sense of injustice, but to be better as a result of all of this is something you have to figure out within yourself. Try to
    via u/inksaywhat
  • respond to all of them with the love and fairness that you wish they gave you, and then continue to kick a and be independent in your own life and build yourself up; thats my advice, but to each their own. Maybe try to explain how this is making you feel, idk your family... at the end of the day though, nobody is responsible for your happiness except for yourself so don't let this get in the way of that. Take care of yourself and good luck with this.
    via u/inksaywhat

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student loans brother siblings gift favoritism parenting debt sister daughter son
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