Man cleans up after girlfriend's 21-year-old son for months, sets clear boundaries together, then she tells him the rules don't apply to her or her son: 'It starts to feel like my effort isn’t respected.'

• 01
  
  via Andrej Lišakov

  _{Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.}

• Am I wrong for ending a relationship because my girlfriend refuses to hold her adult son accountable?

  “Am I being unreasonable for wanting to end my relationship over this?

  I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a while and we lived together. One of the biggest issues in our relationship has been her 21-year-old son.

  I want to be clear that I don’t hate her son and I’ve never expected perfection. My issue is that he frequently leaves dishes in the sink, leaves trash overflowing, leaves messes in common areas, and generally doesn’t clean up after himself unless someone tells him to.”

  -AtmosphereChoice9971

• 02
  
  via AtmosphereChoice9971

• Living with a partner's adult child can work fine, as long as everyone's still operating from the same set of agreements. The trouble starts when one person quietly decides those agreements were always negotiable.

  This boyfriend wasn't asking for much. He didn't expect a spotless house or a 21-year-old to behave like a houseguest forever. What he wanted was simple: dishes washed, trash taken out, common spaces respected, and a bedroom that stayed off-limits unless invited in. Reasonable requests, especially after he raised the issue calmly, more than once, and the two of them sat down and agreed on exactly how things would go. For a while, that agreement existed only on paper. The dishes kept piling up. The trash kept overflowing. The bedroom boundary kept getting crossed. And every time he brought it up again, the conversation didn't stay on the mess, it shifted to him being the problem for mentioning it at all.

• 03
  
  via AtmosphereChoice9971

• “The problem is that I’ve brought this up many times in a calm and respectful way. We had multiple conversations and made specific agreements. We agreed that he would clean up after himself and that he would stop going into our bedroom. Despite those agreements, the same things kept happening.

  What frustrates me is that whenever I bring it up, I feel like my girlfriend immediately defends him or says I’m complaining. Instead of addressing the issue, the conversation becomes about me being bothered by it.

  I’ve spent a lot of time cleaning the house after work, doing dishes, taking out trash, cleaning up the backyard, and trying to keep the place nice. Then I wake up the next morning to dishes in the sink, trash piling up, and another mess. After a while it starts to feel like my effort isn’t respected.“ 

  -AtmosphereChoice9971

• 04
  
  via AtmosphereChoice9971

• Meanwhile, he was the one doing the actual labor of keeping the house functional after work, scrubbing dishes, hauling out trash, tidying a backyard that wasn't his mess to begin with. That kind of one-sided upkeep wears on a person fast, especially when the effort goes unnoticed by the one person who's supposed to be splitting the load with him. The real breaking point wasn't a pile of dishes, though. It was the moment his girlfriend told him it was her house, her rules, and that she or her son would go into their bedroom whenever they felt like it. That single sentence undid every conversation they'd had, every boundary they'd supposedly settled together. An agreement only holds if both people treat it as real, and hers apparently came with a built-in exit clause whenever her son was involved.

  What's left isn't really about chores anymore. It's about whether two people are actually building a life with shared rules, or whether one of them is just along for the ride until something needs to be smoothed over. Respect in a relationship doesn't show up in grand gestures, it shows up in whether your word still means something a month later. His clearly didn't, at least not to her. Nobody should have to renegotiate the same boundary twice a week to be taken seriously in their own home.

• 05
  
  via AtmosphereChoice9971

• ”Recently, when I brought up the bedroom boundary again, she told me it’s her house and she can do whatever she wants, and if she or her son want to go in the room, they will. What bothers me is that we had already agreed on a different boundary, and then it felt like that agreement no longer mattered.

  At this point, I don’t even know if the issue is the cleaning anymore. I think it’s the fact that I feel ignored and that the agreements we make don’t get respected.

  Am I being unreasonable for ending the relationship over this, or would most people be frustrated too?”

  -AtmosphereChoice9971

• 06
  
  via Andrej Lišakov

  _{Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.}

• Moist_Session

  You are not. Wish her well with her son, and go on about your business.

• CaptainSnappertain

  You’re not wrong. Dump. Move. Done.

• TBvunza98

  Absolutely not. She disregards your concerns and is blind to her son being a mess. Hopefully, this acts a wake up call for them as no-one will clean up after him.

• TomokataTomokato

  Not in the wrong. She is very clearly telling you that she doesn't respect you or your very basic boundaries and is perfectly fine with her son doing the same. This is not going to change. If you decide this is not what you want from the relationship then yes, it is time to end it.

   

  
   

• Sage_Vagabond

  Did I understand correctly that this is her house? If so, she's clearly letting you know that you are only welcome under hers and her son's rules. Your requests for basic decency and cleanliness are not welcome. I'd walk away.

• WelshLove

  they are a nightmare you don't need move out move on

• TomorrowFantastic602

  His actions are a reflection of Her

• WrapInternational803

  Not wrong. She obviously does not respect your needs

• No_Profile_3343

  The disrespect for you is obvious. Her son is held in higher regard than you.

  I see nothing wrong with leaving her over this.

• Spiritual_Sorbet_470

  Nope you're not wrong!! And welcome to my world! But its my adult son !! Im tired of cleaning up after him everyfuckingday!!! And he's older than yours!! I know its expensive to live on your own! But I'm tossing him to the curb with the trash he shoulda took out!

• ArticleEnough8288

  Is it actually her house though? Do you have a financial tie to it?

  If not, leave and wish her well

• thingonething

  I would certainly end the relationship over this.

• Dizzy_Goat_420

  Nah. Not wrong. My son is a teenager and I wouldn’t let him get away with that. When my husband comes to me and says “hey he didn’t clean up xyz or do xyz” I address it with my son. He’s in jr high so it’s a b if more expected but we are still on him about it. I would never defend his mess and get defensive. My husband deserves peace and is a parental figure. He makes the rules too and deserves respect, as do you.

  It seems neither of them respect you.

  What business does he have being in your room???

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