Dad insists on taking out $160k loan for daughter's college education, fiancée protests he can't afford it: 'It's like a 2nd house payment for 10 years'

Author image for Ally Perry
Ally Perry • Writer and Editor
Jul 4, 2026 7:45 PM EDT

Is debt worth it if it's for your kids?

A lot of parents like to say that they would do anything for their children, but usually, they will draw the line somewhere. Most people do not have the tenacity and resources to keep showing up for somebody who lets them down or who has unreasonable demands, even if they are their kids. Just like anything in life, the balance between generosity and self-preservation is important.

While part of being a parent is accepting that children come first, other people who are in the picture need to be taken into consideration as well. When kids get older and become more independent, this is especially true. They can't have a parent solving all of their problems forever, not least when that parent also has to take their own future into consideration.

As a result, a lot of parents have to understand that a lot of the time, they can only help their kids if it is within their means to do so. Otherwise, they may be making a sacrifice that is unwise, and that is only going to hurt themselves and other people in the future. Care needs to be taken with this judgment.

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  • A man and a woman sit at opposite ends of a couch, looking away from one another with their arms crossed
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    A man and a woman sit at opposite ends of a couch, looking away from one another with their arms crossed

  • A stepmom was upset with her fiancé because of the way in which he planned to finance his daughter's college education. He and his ex had saved $40k for her to go to college, but she needed a lot more money to do the course that she wanted to do.

    His solution was to take out a loan of $160,000 to cover all costs, which she thought was unwise. She didn't believe that they were in a financial position to repay that amount of money. However, he was insistent that this was just what he had to do in order to be a good father.

  • Am I wrong for being upset about fiancé taking out $160k parent/student loans for my stepdaughter?

    Need help sorting out if I am wrong about being very upset that my fiancé is taking out $160,000 for his daughter to attend college for bachelor's in business management degree? My fiancé and his ex have $40k saved for their daughter's college. Between the parent plus loan and co-signing her student loans the total will be about
    via boxer_k9
  • $160,000 over 4 years. Daughter is attending a school that is $60k year for non-residents. He does not have room in his budget to make the roughly $1,800 monthly payment once payments start. I think loans are fine but within reason with budget. I think this loan amount is crazy high and not
    via boxer_k9
  • manageable with his income and other bills. We've discussed so many other ways to obtain a less expensive college degree. First he said, daughter will have to get loans. Then he said he will also take out a loan of no more than $65,000, then he changed it to $100,000 but now it's $160,000. The
    via boxer_k9
  • amount keeps increasing because he wants to make his daughter happy attending the school she wants. I feel like I can't trust him now with money decisions when we used to be on the same page. To him it's all about making his daughter happy at any cost.
    via boxer_k9
  • A young female college student smiles as she stands outside, holding a notebook to her chest
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    A young female college student smiles as she stands outside, holding a notebook to her chest

  • So when I express that this financial decision holds very little logic and does not make sense, I'm the bad guy for thinking he's not a good father. We've been in counseling over this issue and he said he is taking the loans, end of story. And that I need to respect his decision for his daughter's education.
    via boxer_k9
  • I just can't let go of being upset with his decision. Paying that much money every month effects us as a couple, it's like a 2nd house payment for 10 years. We want to retire in maybe 5 years and we need that money to live month to month.
    via boxer_k9
  • He makes financial decisions based on emotion and making his daughter happy and I make financial decisions based more on a logical budget.
    via boxer_k9
  • I'm worried this will be a great divide between us and I have to be the one to change my perspective yet it's his actions making me upset. Or am I just a crazy menopausal woman overreacting?? lol tl;dr Am I wrong for being upset about fiancé taking out $160k parent/student loans for stepdaughter?
    via boxer_k9
  • A man sits on a couch and uses a laptop, looking up at a woman smiling behind him
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    A man sits on a couch and uses a laptop, looking up at a woman smiling behind him

  • Gold_Sun_1002 Do. Not. Marry. This. Man.
    via Gold_Sun_1002
  • New-Enthusiasm5997 He's effectively going to hobble. you guys financially for a long time. It's very reasonable to be upset. The daughter is not going to be able to make those payments, so they will fall to him. And student loans don't go away. (He's also not being a good
    via New-Enthusiasm5997
  • father. A good father doesn't. behave irresponsibly just to spoil the child.) I wouldn't normally advocate for basing love or relationships on money, but if you've been to counseling, and his response is basically to say screw how you
    via New-Enthusiasm5997
  • feel and your life because he wants to be stupid, that doesn't exactly display respect or love for you. This amount of money is going to heavily negatively impact your life. His behavior in response to your concerns isn't that of a partner either.
    via New-Enthusiasm5997
  • Fragrant-Half-7854 It's his choice. Don't marry him and don't move in with him until the debt is paid off. Even then, his inability to make good financial decisions when his daughter is involved is a huge concern. It's not over after college, there's vehicles, weddings, divorces, grandchildren, etc.
    via Fragrant-Half-7854
  • WolverineNo8799 Separate your finances if you have joined them. Do not marry this man.
    via WolverineNo8799
  • Chi_Baby Why would he take out a loan for multiple years up front? What if she drops out or changes paths halfway thru the first year? He sounds idiotic on top of making such a hugely irresponsible decision with no regard to your life with him.
    via Chi_Baby

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family drama student loans relationships parenting
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