After deciding to buy a house together, 25-year-old girlfriend backs out to help her own family instead, boyfriend's family claims: ‘[You're] being unfair’

Author image for Bar Mor Hazut
Bar Mor Hazut • Senior Editor
Jul 7, 2026 5:00 PM EDT

When is it okay to back out of a deal?

My husband and I make a lot of deals with each other, some of which we end up fulfilling, and some we forget about and move on from. It starts with small things, like making a deal that we will both start eating healthier, to life-changing deals like the first home we plan to buy together. Relationships are full of deals like these, made between the couple and intended to strengthen the relationship even further.

When you start making serious agreements like these, it's hard to know when it is still okay to back down. A couple breaking up after a few weeks of dating isn't the same as a married couple getting a divorce. The point at which one decides when to back out of a deal has great significance, and even though nothing can truly be "too late", the consequences may vary.

The 25-year-old girlfriend in the story below thought she was backing out of her deal to buy a house with her boyfriend at the right time. After a year of searching, they finally decided on a house, and their offer was accepted, but they haven't signed any contract yet. Which is why, when she found out about her parents' financial struggles, she decided she'd rather help them than invest in a house. And even though her boyfriend was fine with the change of plans, his family did not look kindly on her change of heart.

This led to a huge drama in the family. The boyfriend's family is now looking down on the girlfriend's parents, who need help from their daughter. And the girlfriend feels like her boyfriend is failing to stand up for her in the face of his family's criticism. All the while, the house is still waiting for a final decision…

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    AITAH for backing out of buying a house together after realizing I could help my own family instead?

    My boyfriend (27M) and I (25F) have been together for four years. We've been saving to buy our first home together. However, we come from very different financial
    via Interpretada
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    backgrounds. His parents are well-off, while mine live in one of the poorest neighborhoods in our city.
    via Interpretada
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    Receiving keys to a new home.
    via Getty Images

    Receiving keys to a new home.

    Subjects are models.

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    About two weeks ago, our offer on a house was accepted.
    via Interpretada
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    After discussing the finances. in more detail, I realized that around 80% of the purchase money would come from my boyfriend and his parents, while I would only be contributing about 20%.
    via Interpretada
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    Because of that, they wanted the ownership of the house to reflect those percentages (80% him, 20% me), which I understand.
    via Interpretada
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    At the same time, my own family situation has been weighing on me. My mother has severe arthritis in her legs, and my parents live on the fourth floor of a building with
    via Interpretada
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    no elevator. They can't afford to move, and my mother's mobility and overall health are getting worse. It honestly. breaks my heart watching it happen.
    via Interpretada
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    There's also another factor: in my country, young people can receive significant benefits and tax reductions when buying their first home.
    via Interpretada
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    So I proposed a different plan. My boyfriend could buy this house with his family's financial help. I would still contribute €50,000 toward renovating the home since
    via Interpretada
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    we'd both be living there, but I wouldn't ask to be included on the deed or own any percentage of the property. I'd also pay half of our normal household expenses, just not
    via Interpretada
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    property-related taxes since I wouldn't legally own the house.
    via Interpretada
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    Meanwhile, I'd continue saving for another year or two so I could buy a separate apartment to help my parents move somewhere accessible and improve their quality of
    via Interpretada
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    life while also preserving my eligibility for first-time buyer benefits.
    via Interpretada
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    My boyfriend actually agreed with this idea. The problem is that he told his parents and his sister, and they reacted very badly. They accused me of backing out of
    via Interpretada
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    our plans, said I was being unfair, and heavily criticized both me and my family.
    via Interpretada
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    From my perspective, I'm not abandoning the project at all. I'm still putting a large amount of money into the renovations, contributing
    via Interpretada
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    equally to living expenses, and I'm not asking for any ownership rights in return. I just want to help my parents before it's too late.
    via Interpretada
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    After hearing everything they said about my family, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want any further relationship with his parents or sister. I
    via Interpretada
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    also admitted that this whole situation made me question whether I'd ever want to marry him if he couldn't stand
    via Interpretada
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    up for me when they were insulting me and my family. So... AITAH?
    via Interpretada
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    Edit 1: - The 50k I would give him for renovations would come with a contract explaining that I we ever decide to split or don't live together anymore he would have 3 months to pay
    via Interpretada
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    me back. - What bordered me was how his family criticised my parents for not being able to buy themselves another house. My parents worked
    via Interpretada
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    really hard and are immigrants, their lives weren't easy, and it didn't sit right with me some randoms who don't even know them talking C about them.
    via Interpretada
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    EDIT 2: Wow, I wasn't expecting this many responses. Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. I've noticed the same questions coming up
    via Interpretada
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    repeatedly, so I wanted to clarify a few things. - My boyfriend also qualifies for the first-time buyer tax benefits. Where we live, the age limit is 30, so
    via Interpretada
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    he would still receive them even if he buys the house on his own. - We started looking at houses about a year ago. My
    via Interpretada
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    mom was already having health issues back then, but nothing like she is experiencing now. Over the past few weeks her condition has deteriorated significantly.
    via Interpretada
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    Sold house sign in front of new house.
    via Getty Images

    Sold house sign in front of new house.

    Image is representative.

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    She can barely leave the house because of the pain in her legs, and some nights she can't even sleep because of it. That is what made me reconsider our original plan.
    via Interpretada
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    My parents already own their home, and they have no interest in renting. I've seen many comments suggesting they should simply move into a rental, but they see renting
    via Interpretada
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    as throwing money away. They would, however, accept moving into a house that I bought for them because I'm an only child, so they see it as
    via Interpretada
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    a family asset that will eventually come back to me anyway. - €50,000 is nowhere near enough to buy a home where we live. It would only
    via Interpretada
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    be enough for the down payment on a property much farther from the city. My father is still working and has about a year left until retirement, so moving far away isn't practical right now.
    via Interpretada
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    That's why my idea is to wait another one or two years, save more money, and buy them a house farther out once he's retired and we can hopefully find something at a better price.
    via Interpretada
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    - About the €50,000 for our house: until now, my boyfriend and I fully expected to buy this home together. In fact, he has insisted that if I contribute that amount, my name should also be on the
    via Interpretada
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    deed. The only reason I don't want that is because it would make me lose the tax advantages I hope to use later when buying a home for my parents. The money would be
    via Interpretada
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    used to renovate the house into the home we both want, since we expect it to be where we live together for at least the next 10-15 years.
    via Interpretada
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    A lot of people have said we should just get married first. It's not that simple. Our priority has always been to buy a home together. The plan was to purchase the house first and then get
    via Interpretada
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    married a couple of years later, once we were financially settled.
    via Interpretada
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    - The house will still be financed with a mortgage. I'm not asking my boyfriend's parents to contribute more money because I've stepped back from buying jointly. My
    via Interpretada
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    boyfriend has substantial savings of his own, and thanks to the help his parents are already giving him, the mortgage will remain relatively small and very affordable whether I'm on the deed or not.
    via Interpretada
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    Finally, I've arranged to meet my boyfriend's parents this week. I completely understand if they're disappointed or upset that I've changed my mind about. buying the house jointly.
    via Interpretada
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    What I don't think is acceptable is judging my parents or looking down on them because they come from very different financial
    via Interpretada
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    circumstances. That's the conversation I intend to have with them.
    via Interpretada

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boyfriend girlfriend finances homebuyer family new homebuyers property home money parents
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