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01
Picture does not depict real parties.
Two female friends comfort each other outside
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What do I do with my "poor" friend?
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It is probably just a rant with no solution, but here I go...
So, we (35F) have been friends for 20 years, we are from the same neighborhood, same highschool, similar family context, similar boyfriends, etc. But with the years, my husband and I have moved a lot, study new things and well, working hard, and we earn pretty well. We do not have family money but we have high salaries. On the other side, her husband and her haven't moved that much, just accomodate in easy jobs and have average salaries. No problem for me, seriously, not judging, do as you want.
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The thing is, that difference is scalating and now it is uncomfortable. First it was that we could not do almost anything apart from boardgames with them. Cannot going anywhere, any activity that costs money, if we do something there were lot of annoying comments about prices, or wasting money with what we wanted to do. If we say a restaurant, there were lot of embarrasing comments to the restaurant out loud. Ok, we stopped doing that kind of things. If you are only comfortable eating pizza at home and playing boardgames, whatever, it is just once a month or so, no big deal.
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Friendships are built on shared experiences. If you can't do anything together, then it's hard to progress the friendship. But these don't have to be expensive in order to be meaningful. A night spent in on the couch with a close friend can be even better than a trip around the world. When you're relegated to only one type of hangout, though, it can be frustrating. Maybe you're the kind of person who wants to go and do, and you want friends who can keep up with you. You're allowed to want this. But you have to set those boundaries with your friends.
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02
Scene is illustrative and does not depict actual individuals or events.
A woman hugs another woman, her friend
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But now, it is not that she cannot spend her money, she cannot avoid managing mine! I am expecting so I need to buy lot of things, and I have money and it is a really wished baby. Well, everything I share, she has to give me advice. I show her a pic of the baby stroller, just making fun of how hard was to assemble, and then she "Noooo, you should have look before in fb market! There are plenty!". I am choosing a wardrobe and asked her what colour she likes, "nooo, don't buy it, you can use an ikea and a diy thing". Sharing clothes, there is something similar at shein. EVERYTHING. And if try to justify things, like "well, I like that brand, it is cute and comfortable, and I had the money and I have waited so much for this moment" or whatever, she acts like I am naive, I don't know how to use money, I am acting like a fool, like if I was a little girl that knows nothing.
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I don't know what to do with her! I am now just sharing the bare minimum. I don't think that talking her would help; she'll just say that she was trying to help me but I don't need her help, at all. I am better that her managing money in general, but for lot of things I prefer quality over quantity, but she doesn't understand that because she thinks that "everything is the same", and my philosophy is that I rather have one Uniqlo tshirt than 5 from shein. But I don't want to open that box, I don't want to have a conversation like "I earn more than you, so I can choose more brands, and I like that expensive things that you CANNOT AFFORD". She acts like her family and mine make the same money, and it is madness to spend more that her, and we are actually earning double, and she knows (she doesn't know the exact numbers, but my husband is a doctor so it is easy to guess the difference)
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Nobody wants to feel judged by their friends. We all lead our lives differently, and that is okay. We don't all need to follow the same set of guiding principles. It would be boring if we did. It's important to accept our friends as they are and not constantly try and change them. You're not in control of their life, and nor should you be. You should be able to live your life free of judgement. If you can't do that with your friends, then it might be time for new friends. That's what this pair was struggling with. Keep reading to see what happened.
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03 via Viktor Hesse
Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.
Two women argue about something in front of each other -
Editing for other examples of her behaviour:
I don't usually talk about my financial decisions, she is the one that talks about them. Like when I bought and iphone; I bought because I wanted (for several reasons) and could afford, I didn't share a thing about it but she notice the apple so she started making comments and everytime I say something about the mobile (like, "I had to delete pictures" "It took me a lot to find an app", whatever sentence that just involved my mobile phone) "wow, paying that much for a mobile phone and then having to do that / not being able to do that". -
04
Scene is illustrative and does not depict actual individuals or events.
Two women have a conversation in the park
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And that with everything. I cook something in the oven (which is new because I bought my house a year ago) and it burns, she says something like how can it happens in my expensive oven. I said something like "It's anoying to use HBO in my tv because I need a chromecast", "such a expensive TV and...". And she does not know the price of my stuff, only that they look fancy and they are from a known brand (like Samsung or things like that)
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And about knowing her incomes, she is civil servant and my husband as well, but in different jobs so everyone know their salaries, and are 4000€ apart (more or less), so we all know have a good approach about family incomes
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