Husband refuses to let his wife use his late father's dessert recipe for her small business: 'I was angry and told her she needed to remove it from her menu'

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  via Sandi Benedicta

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  A woman bakes a tray of baked goods in a kitchen

• Am I in the wrong for refusing to let my wife use my late father's recipe for her business?

  -u/CreamRelevant1574

• My wife 30F and I 32M have been married for three years. My father passed away a few years ago, and one of the things I kept from him was a handwritten recipe for a dessert he used to make for every family gathering. It's not some famous secret recipe, but it means a lot to me because the handwriting and little notes on the page are his. My wife recently started selling homemade desserts on weekends. She asked if she could use my father's recipe as one of her products. At first I said no. I explained that I wasn't comfortable seeing something so personal turned into a product especially because customers would be buying it under her business name.

• She told me I was being overly sentimental and that my father would probably be happy knowing his recipe was helping us make money. I still said no. A few days later, I found out she had already made a batch using the recipe. She said she didn't think I'd actually object once I tasted it, and she had already gotten several orders for it. I was angry and told her she needed to remove it from her menu. She said I was treating a recipe like it was some priceless family heirloom when it was just food. She also pointed out that we're married and anything that helps her business ultimately helps both of us. I told her that marriage doesn't automatically give either person permission to use something deeply personal that belongs to the other. Now she says I'm being controlling and making her feel like she can't build something for herself. I haven't told my family yet because I know they'll probably take sides.

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  A husband and wife argue on the couch

• Should recipes be kept close to the chest, or should you spread the love with as many folks as possible? This couple had different opinions about that. 
  Food is such an important part of how we connect to each other as humans. We use it to connect to our cultures and ourselves. Food is a huge way to remember our family, and to make memories together. I have so many memories of the food I used to eat as a child. The dishes that my parents would make come with so many strong feelings and associations. It's part of who I am and who I grew up to be. Food is an indelible part of our identities, our culture, and our relationship with our families. So it's no wonder that some of us are a little bit touchy about it when it feels like it's getting compromised. That's what was happening in this story.

  Family recipes are important artifacts in one's life. Maybe you're lucky enough to have them passed down from generation to generation, and it's your job to hold onto them. This can be a special thing to have as a member of a family. Maybe you had family members who made special dishes that you enjoyed growing up, and now you're the steward of that recipe. Maybe you make it every now and again to keep the tradition alive. But should you gatekeep it so that nobody else can use it? That's the question that came up here when a woman was trying to use her husband's late father's recipe to help start her small business.

  I'm all about sharing the love. If you have something wonderful, you shouldn't squirrel it away so that nobody else can enjoy it. You should share it with people so the joy and love can multiply. But that's not what the husband in this story thought. Keep reading to see what he thought. 

• Striking-Sundae-

  I never understand people who gatekeep recipes. Sharing something you love with other people should bring you joy.

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  A woman takes a tray of pastries out of the oven

• xMissingMusic

  NTA. Your father, your decision. Whether she likes it or not.

  Plus, regardless of the subject, she blatantly disregarded your feelings and wishes on a subject because she decided your feelings were invalid. That's not okay.

• fbombmom_

  YTA. It's not like she's selling the actual recipe. Do you make the dessert yourself, or did you want the recipe to end with him?

  I would see this as a way to honor him. She could name the desert after him and then he'd get credit.

  I don't understand why people gatekeep recipes. Holding on to it doesn't keep the deceased person with you.

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  A married couple argue on a couch

• Dittoheadforever

  You're NTA. 

  There are so many things she can bake and sell. Demanding to use the one recipe you associate with your dad, dismissing your feelings, then doing it anyway is a massively disrespectful A-H move.

• Worried_Teaching_406

  NTA

  I see 2 opinions in the comments:

  ofcourse she can not use it, it is your memory

  why would you gatekeep a recipy/why would you not want it to benefit the both of you

  Both are valid, some poeple feel like it is something to treasure and protect. Some feel like it is something to enjoy, use, share.

  I can imagine using the cake recipy my hubby got from his family if I would start a side hustle. I can imagine that I would not even check, because I do not think he would mind.

  However, she asked, she must have had a feeling or known that you would have big feelings about it. Knowing that, knowing you. Asking and doing it any way makes her wrong.

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