Two pairs of hands starting to unwrap the bow around a large gift. Models pictured are not representative.
A mom was left feeling insulted when the spouse of one of her children commented to their sibling-in-law that they didn't want to visit for Christmas if they were only going to get cheap gifts. The parents had been open about their financial struggles for the past few years, and the mom felt like they had already made sacrifices to spend the holidays together.
She viewed her in-laws' family as toxic and overly materialistic, which influenced their opinions. They wanted to get ahead of their disappointment by telling them that they were not welcome at Christmas this year.
A close-up of a woman's hands holding a festively wrapped gift in front of a decorated Christmas tree. Stock photography for depiction only.
Would I be wrong if I tell my child and their spouse to not bother coming for Christmas if they can’t appreciate what little we can give them?
Would I be wrong if I tell my child and their spouse to not bother coming for Christmas if they can’t appreciate what little we can give them? First a little back story, my kids spouse comes from a family that buys affection, manipulates using money, gifts have stipulations or are used to guilt trip etc. Very narcissistic controlling manipulative mother. To the point my child and their family have moved out of state twice to “get away” from the mother… I told all of my kids years ago including my kids spouses, we will never buy your love, or your time. Even if we were millionaires we will never buy your love, or your time, gifts are gifts without conditions or guilt trips.
Well I found out that kids spouse said to another one of my kids that they aren’t coming for Christmas if all they get is dollar store presents. For the past 3 1/2 years, we have been struggling financially, as so many others, trying to stay afloat and have almost lost our house several times. Have had to be on payment plans for every bill we have and have had to eat super cheap (ramen, peanut butter & jelly etc.) there were several times I didn’t eat because there wasn’t enough food for all of us, had to borrow money to get utilities turned back on or to prevent it from being turned off etc…
Close-up of a woman approaching a Christmas tree with a festively wrapped gift balanced on her hands. Representative only.
I hadn’t bought body wash or shampoo for myself in over a year, I just used very little of my husbands or thankfully some had been gifted to me by a customer at my old job. I have been wearing the same shoes that have holes in the bottoms, I’ve had to sew the one bra I own multiple times to keep it together, you get the picture… but for Christmas we didn’t want to give our kids and grandkids nothing… so we literally scraped together every spare piece of change we could find, literally counting & rolling coins just to be able to give them something because we enjoy it, not because we think that is what holidays are about. So while yes they may be from the dollar store or the clearance section at Walmart, we choose each one with love.
Anyways, I’m to the point where I want to tell them to not even bother coming until they remember that in this house we visit because we enjoy family time and love each other, not for what you might get out of it. I also want to say something to my children that heard that comment and any others like it and ask why they just let it go and didn’t defend us when they all know how hard we struggle. So would I be the AH if I tell them if that’s what they look for in Christmas or any holidays to not bother coming?
It is definitely unfair to speak badly of people just because they have fallen on hard times, and it certainly isn't in the holiday spirit. At the same time, it also isn't totally unreasonable to not want a cheap gift that isn't going to be appreciated or used, contributing to the problem of overconsumption. Ultimately, it is up to the host who they allow into their home for Christmas Day, and it is their opinion that will be the final say.
Two pairs of hands holding a gift wrapped with a bow. Image depicted solely for explanatory purposes.
Tell them the truth, times are hard and there will be no presents, all you want is their time with you.
As an adult, spending Christmas with your family isn’t about getting gifts: it’s about spending Christmas with your family.
Invite them but let them know that you are unable to provide any gifts for Christmas this year. If that’s a no-go for them they can spend Christmas elsewhere.
NTA but maybe talk to your child about it first? Being angry over hearsay is never a good idea.
Perhaps ask them if what was said is how they feel? Honestly, my mum struggles financially and it is frustrating when she buys me cheap **** I’m never going to use.
I would rather she not buy me gifts at all. I just enjoy seeing her for the holidays. I hate having to pretend I like a present that I’m never going to use, but can’t throw away because it will hurt her feelings, but also I hate that she’s wasted what little money she has on it. We agreed years ago; no presents adults, but it is what it is.
These days I try to give her an achievable goal (within her budget) well in advance.
ESH? Do you want a fight? Because if you open with "be grateful for what you get or don't come" you're going to get a fight.
What do you actually want out of a conversion with your son about this? Him to better understand your situation? To discuss his familial expectations, wife's classism, what steps might make things less stressful for everyone at the holidays? To let him know her words hurt and ask for an apology?
Similarly, "Why didn't you defend my honor?" Is going to put your kids on the defensive. If you want to talk to your other kids about the incident focus on asking what was going through their heads and how you'd like to see this sort of situation addressed in the future, not how you feel they failed you.
Want More? Follow Us and Add Us as a Preferred Source on Google.