Boyfriend demands 26-year-old actress girlfriend to turn down the lead in a musical because she has an onstage kiss: 'He’s acting as if I’m being selfish for not turning it down'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Nov 4, 2026 10:00 AM EST

When someone doesn't take your career seriously, that can be a pretty big relationship red flag. 

Just because someone's career is a little less traditional doesn't mean that it's not a real career. I've dealt with this plenty of times in my life. I've taken a somewhat less traditional path, and sometimes I feel myself having to justify it to someone else. But the thing is, your life is your life, and you're the only one who has to live it. As long as you're making choices to feed yourself, you're in the clear. I feel like this often happens to people who pursue careers in the arts. There is not always a straight line you can draw between career moves when you're in the arts. Sometimes it looks way more like a jagged line. There are ups and downs and survival jobs and moves that might not make sense to anyone else. And it may seem like "less important" work than other jobs out there, but the arts are deeply important, and the folks pursuing them should be taken seriously. It's a career, after all, and a difficult one at that. The woman in this story was in the thick of that misunderstanding, and her boyfriend wasn't giving a lot of leeway.
When you're an actor, onstage or on-camera intimacy is part of the job. It's hard to limit yourself to roles where you don't have to do that, and it's an important part of acting. But some folks outside of the industry don't totally understand that, and read too much into it. In my mind, it's acting. It's not real intimacy; it's a highly choreographed scene that two characters are playing. Especially onstage, in a musical. These things are hammered down to the last detail. They're not exactly romantic. The boyfriend in this story didn't quite understand that, though.

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  • A woman in a black long sleeve shirt sits in rows of theatre seats
    via Vladimir Fedotov

    Scene is illustrative and does not depict actual individuals or events.


    A woman in a black long sleeve shirt sits in rows of theatre seats

  • Am I in the wrong for taking a lead role in a musical even though my boyfriend wants me to turn it down?

    1 (26, female) am a musical theatre actress. I've already been part of Broadway ensembles and have played leading roles in smaller theatres. Now I've been offered the lead role in a major production - the biggest opportunity of my career so far.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • The role is part of a romantic couple, and there's a kissing scene. My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. When we first met, I told him straight away that things like that are part of the job. I always make that clear. He knew exactly what my career entailed.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • He also knew that I'd auditioned for this very role - but he didn't think I'd actually get it. Now that I've got it, he wants me to turn it down. His reasons: the kissing scene and the fact that the production would mean a long- distance relationship for about a year.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • What bothers me most is that he himself spent about nine months abroad at the start of our relationship to further his own career, and I supported him the whole time without complaining. We don't even live together.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • This role could be a real turning point in my career. I really want to take it, but he's acting as if I'm being selfish for not turning it down. Am I the ? 3.
    via u/IllMode5367

  • Commenters gave their sympathy and support to this woman.

    fadingsunsetglow He didnt think youd get the role is problem number one. His insecurity is problem number two. Ditch the and shine in your performance. Nta.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • IllMode5367 OP His reasoning is that so many people have applied and my chances would be slim, because so far I've almost exclusively been part of the ensemble in large-scale productions
    via u/IllMode5367
  • A woman sits on the vanity in a dressing room backstage
    via Meg

    Image shown for illustrative purposes; person depicted is a model.


    A woman sits on the vanity in a dressing room backstage

  • Jealousy is natural in a relationship, and you never want to dismiss someone's feelings. But you also know when you're in the right, and when you're being disrespected. You also know when your partner is purposefully misunderstanding you to make their own point. The woman in this story was in the middle of that realization, and needed some outside perspectives on it. She was at a major turning point in her career, and wanted her boyfriend to support her in her journey. It's difficult to pursue a career in the theatre without at least a little bit of help from those around you. It's only natural to want your partner to be a part of that journey. But he wasn't quite willing to meet her halfway. Keep reading to see what happened here, and let us know what you think in the comments below.

  • IllMode5367 OP Of course, actors do sometimes fall in love with one another. But a rehearsed kiss like that isn't romantic at all. It can even be awkward and uncomfortable. One of my best friends is a woman who's into women, and she had to kiss a gay man on stage for a year; neither of them actually felt any attraction or desire for it, but it's part of the job. It usually has nothing to do with love, attraction or desire, though.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • JoneseyP98 This could be the take off for your career. Do it. NTA. He knew you were an actress. Sometimes that means kissing.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • IllMode5367 OP I know that some people might have a problem with this, and I can understand that to a certain extent. But that's why I make this clear right from the start when I'm dating.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • LL F Eagle_Pancake that guy. Take the role. If he doesn't want this for you, then he doesn't really want what's best for you. Go live your life.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • Danube_Kitty NTA and you should reconsider this relationship. I wouldn't be surprised if he expects you to stop with this carreer sooner or later, treating it as a inconvenient hobby of yours.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • Extreme-Pirate1903 Are you seriously asking if you are TA for not tanking your career to assuage your bf's insecurities? NTA, but you know that.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • DollySheep32 NTA - if you date an actress you have to accept that there may be parts she plays that are romantic and may involve a level of intimacy that you are uncomfortable with. His insecurities are not more important than your career.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • danurc NTA, you're not cheating, you're doing your job and your boyfriend is insecure. He lured you into this relationship by saying it was ok for you to do this and then turned around now that he thinks it's getting too real/you've sunk time and effort into this relationship. Dump him and live your life!
    via u/IllMode5367
  • ThisIsWriting Time When my kid was in high school, she landed a part with a kissing scene. She told her bf at the time, and he was like, yeah, you're an actor, sometimes you'll have to do kissing scenes so I'll have to deal with it. So your bf is less mature than a 17yo.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • KBWordPerson Take the role. That's huge! Either your boyfriend figures out how to actually be supportive of you or he gets lost. Don't Nerf your dream and talent for someone who doesn't have your back. NTA
    via u/IllMode5367
  • First-Industry4762 NTA, he knew you were in this business and that romantic scenes were a thing. Say you turn the role down, is the plan going to be that you dont do any roles. with romantic scenes? Don't let him sabotage your career and call out his hypocritical behavior.
    via u/IllMode5367
  • Winnie-Pooh2020 I can't believe you even need to ask this question. Take the job. Don't condition yourself to give up your life for a man. NTA
    via u/IllMode5367

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musical theatre boyfriend relationship advice ex boyfriend relationships actresses musical actress dating
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