Employee Promised Their Mom a Thanksgiving Visit After Working the Holiday the Last Two Years, Then a Coworker Asked Them to Swap Shifts So She Could Spend Thanksgiving With Her Kids—Their Boss Refuses to Intervene

It's a true "rock and a hard place" type of scenario, where both options are bad.

This issue is never more paramount than when it comes to leave arrangements during the most important holidays: Times when everyone would rather be spending time with their families, but due to the needs (or preferences) of the business, someone needs to be there manning the helm every day, whether it's a run-of-the-mill day in the middle of June or an important holiday like Thanksgiving or Christmas.

In these situations, someone is going to get to spend the holiday with their family, and someone is going to be stuck at work. Deciding who ends up in which category and what is "fair" is no easy task and can create real division in the team and problems in the workplace.

This employee says a coworker's request to have their day off on Thanksgiving has presented a real issue for them as the employee says that their coworker insists her time with her kids is more important, but they already promised their mother they would spend the holiday at home…

When their turn in the team “time off” holiday rotation gave them Thanksgiving off, this employee told their parents they would be coming home for the holiday. After two years of preparing a Thanksgiving feast with their seat at the table empty, their excited mother was already making plans.

The employee says that in their workplace, everyone takes a turn covering important year-end holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's are all covered in turn by a rotating cast of the “unlucky” members of the team.

This is how they opened their post:

My work is open on holidays, so we rotate. Everybody works one of Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year’s, and the schedule’s already posted. This year I’m off Thanksgiving. First time in three years.

The last two Thanksgivings I worked so people with kids could be home. Nobody made me, I offered, and I was fine with it. This year I told my parents I’m coming home. They’re a few hours’ drive. My mom’s already planning around it.

This rotating schedule is one of the tactics employed by workplaces that need coverage over the holidays in order to spread the misery around enough that things are fairer. Another common tactic is a “first-come-first-served” approach, which in my experience doesn’t work because you get the same people metaphorically sprinting to submit their leave requests in as soon as the calendar opens that far out so that they can be “first” and get every holiday off.

Another approach is the “needs most” method. This is a needs-tested assignment of holidays based on who has the most important thing going on. While this sounds like the most flexible policy, you almost never see it used, since this is inviting HR disaster. Put simply, defining the “importance” of personal obligations in company policy is not a Pandora’s box that you want to open...

But I digress, for the last two years, the employee has volunteered to cover Thanksgiving so that their colleagues would have the chance to spend the day at home with their families.

But, this year, the schedule gave the employee their turn to take Thanksgiving off. They weren't alone in this camp; other employees had the day off too; however, they were the only one in this group without Children. This is important later on.

Before long, after a shift, a coworker approached the employee asking if they would trade. She, a mother, divorced, only has her children with her on Thanksgiving every other year.

This is how the employee told the exchange in their account.

A coworker caught me after a shift. She’s divorced, and her custody schedule switches every year, and this year her kids are with her for Thanksgiving. She’s on the schedule. She asked if I’d swap with her. A few of us are off that day. I’m the only one without kids.

This year was her year with the children, but she had been scheduled. She was looking for a swap: Someone who could work Thanksgiving for her in exchange for her holiday off. Which, as some commenters have pointed out was not specified in the employee's account of events.

The employee said that they had already made plans, and this was what the employee says was the coworker’s response.

“You can see your parents any weekend. I only get my kids on Thanksgiving every other year. If I miss this one, it’s two years.”

The employee mentioned that they had worked the last two Thanksgivings. According to the employee, coworker had a point of her own here..

“That wasn’t for me though. I never asked you before.”

When the manager got involved, their only input was that the pair should “work it out.” But what was there to work out? The coworker had made a request for the employee’s scheduled day off, and the employee had already declined. They didn’t need to give a reason at all under the arrangements of the policy, and yet they were being told that the reason they gave wasn’t justification enough.

Here, now, the business policy started to stray into the realm of granting time off based on “importance.” And the message was clear: Those with children’s time is more important.

Stumped by the manager’s response and the coworker’s insistence, the employee turned to Reddit's r/PickAorB community to have them decide what route they should take.

They offered readers a choice between two responses, “A” or “B,” which they outlined at the end of their account of events:

I keep getting told my holidays are easier to move because I don’t have kids. Maybe they are. My mom’s still counting on me.

A) Swap with her. She only gets her kids on Thanksgiving every other year, and I can see my parents some other weekend.

B) Keep my day. The rotation is there so it’s fair, I already covered two years, and this one is mine.

Of roughly 39 comments, a whopping 33 responded “B” or something close to it, advising the employee to keep their Thanksgiving off as they had planned originally. 6 responses offered “C” and gave some other advice or asked for more information about the situation. And, with the math “mathing” correctly, you've already guessed right that this leaves 0 responses offering an “A" answer, that they should agree to an unconditional swap with the coworker.

The employee shared several updates and clarified the situation in replies to responders on the original story. 

In the top-voted response, hospicedoc had this to say:

B “My mom hasn’t seen me on Thanksgiving for 3 years and is already excited about me coming home. Sorry but I can’t do that to her.”

Upper_Criticism3388, the employee and original poster of the story, replied here that,

This got me. My mom really has been looking forward to having me home this year. I don't want to let her down again

nurturablemammal said this.

B if that’s what you want to do. Even if you didn’t care about seeing your parents on Thanksgiving, I’d be worried that going with A will let everybody think they’re entitled to your holiday.

Also, your manger [is bad]. Instead of telling you to work it out, they should manage your coworker by reminding her of holiday policy and letting her know it’s not your responsibility to cover everyone just because you don’t have kids.

dounotheway2sanjose gave this “B” answer:

B for sure. Super over the [concept that] "you don't have kids so your time and commitments are less important". Managing her schedule is not your problem.

The employee had this to say in response…

Yeah, I think that's the part that bothers me. Not having kids doesn't mean I don't have people who are counting on me too

Kamikazisqurl responded

B. It’s not your responsibility to have to switch your time off every holiday for everyone else’s benefit

The employee replied:

Yeah I've switched the last two years, and I don't want that to just become the expectation every holiday

Ancient-Egg2777 commented. 

Wait, is this US Thanksgiving? Like a few weeks from now?

No. Her custody schedule should be known in advance. You don't wait until a few weeks before to start asking for a swap. Heck, most people have their plane tickets paid for and turkeys have been ordered with a non-refundable deposit.

The employee replied.

That's what I've been thinking too. I don't know when she found out her schedule, but holidays aren't exactly easy to plan around at the last minute. My mom has already been getting things ready for me to come home.

rockabillychef had this to say about the coworker's possible disorganization.

B. She knew her custody arrangement. She should have worked this out with management prior to the schedule being made.

The employee had this to say in response to the above comment:

If she knew she'd have her kids this Thanksgiving, I wish she'd brought it up with management earlier. I don't think it should automatically fall on me to fix it

This last response marks an important change to the information they originally provided. Where many comments assumed, based on the original post, that the coworker had known for a while when she would have the kids and should have requested the leave earlier, but from the employee's own responses, it seems that is not necessarily the case. We don't actually know when the coworker, a mother, found out that she would have her kids this Thanksgiving holiday.

Of the six C responses, three proposed compensation or a specific holiday trade.

texan-yankee, gave one of the few responses that were open to “A”.

Need more info. Did co-worker ask management to work Christmas or New year's so she could have Thanksgiving off? If she did, and they ignored her, I personally would feel for her and might do it as long as I got the other holidays off. You don't mention it, but is this a coworker who will trade with you when needed, is she a kind person in general? I would think about it then, and tell my mom that i am going to do a kindness for someone else, but will come home for Christmas and new years. If my kid told me that I might be a bit sad that he wouldn't be home, but proud that I raised a person who cares for others.

But if she didn't ask, then it's 100% on her because her custody schedule is not a surprise. In which case I would say something like "it's my mom's year for custody of me for Thanksgiving."

zonked_apostle, responded with their own experience of having the same kind of custody schedule.

That's the joy of not having kids, your work always tries to take your holidays....

Both A and B are both good options. I'm a 50/50 parent with a rotating holiday schedule like this, it's not your responsibility so just go with how you feel. I would be really bummed to miss my scheduled holiday with my son but that's also my responsibility and not anyone else's.

specialagentpizza, on the missing half of the offer…

INFO: what Holiday is she offering up to swap with you?

And this matters because if the employee is able to get another holiday, say Christmas, off, perhaps their mother would be even more excited to host them then. So, perhaps that would be a trade worth discussing. But if their mother is unable to host Christmas, or would prefer Thanksgiving, then the answer here is clear.

Martylouie, on what would make a late swap worthwhile:

Is your company also open Christmas and New Year's? If so, and she is off, tell her you'll swap Thanksgiving for Christmas Eve and Day. Or Perhaps New Year's Eve and Day. If she complains about it be 2 for 1, tell her that's for the late notice penalty. If that doesn't suit her, you could tell her that you'd swap for some money, enough to cover dinner for you and a friend at a nice restaurant, since you won't be able to go home for a nice home-cooked meal.

While the employee hasn't provided a final update regarding their decision, they came close to a solution in reply to one of the “B" responders.

CombinationCalm9616 suggested getting a third party involved and finding someone else. This was the closest we got to a real solution to the problem.

B) Maybe someone else doesn’t mind swapping but you do essentially since you worked the last two.

To which the employee replied:

Ohh that's a good point. Maybe someone else is happy to switch, but after covering the last two years, I'd really like to have this one for myself

Though, it is really on the coworker to be having these conversations with everyone who is scheduled to have the day off, and I'm not sure how this has become the employee's problem.

This came up in a later exchange between the same commenter and the employee in response to their reply:

CombinationCalm9616 said:

I also don’t like how your boss put it on you guys to work it out as if it’s something that needs to be figured out considering you already said no. At the end of try day if the boss wants to let her off that’s on them but you shouldn’t have to give up your holiday just because your co worker has kids and you don’t. Also if she has them every other thanksgiving then she should have made sure that she works the ones she doesn’t have the kids so she’s able to be off when she does.

Upper_Criticism3388, the employee, replied again:

Exactly. I already said I can't switch, so I don't think it should be on me to keep figuring this out. If management wants to change the schedule, that's their call.

But that's enough from me. What are your thoughts on this situation?