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25 High Quality Twitter Zingers That'll Get You Chuckling

Twitter is a sacred place. It's a place where people can reveal their innermost thoughts... and some people's innermost thoughts are hilarious. We selected some of the juiciest and most random posts on Twitter for your enjoyment. If this isn't enough, there's always more to keep you entertained. You're welcome. 

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  • 1
    twitter post me: i am excited to read this article website: actually it is a podcast me: i am excited to never know what has been said about this subject
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  • 2
    twitter post today at my bar one guy made fun of his buddy for drinking a blue hawaian and he goes "I don't give a shit if it's baby blue this is fucking delicious. how's that budweiser taste you basic ass bitch" and then slammed the rest of it and went "FUCK you and your beer Kyle" 5/3/18, 1:42 AM 53.1K Retweets 266K Likes gracie hoos @cottoncandaddy 1d I'm adopting "FUCK you and your beer Kyle" as my motto for the rest of 2018
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  • 3
    twitter post If you can't YELL your ass-poop away you're a soy boy For the guy terrified that wiping his ass isn't a masculine act: FRAGRANC FREE NATURALLY SOOTHIN VITAMIN E & ALOE WIPES 48 BIODEGRADABLE FLUSHABLE SEE BACK PANEL DUDE WIPES Real men have the sphincter control to snap it off clean 34 2 as detailed in my new book GORILLA BUTTHOLE 26
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  • 4
    twitter post AGE 21:I haven't slept in 3 days cause of finals but I'm gonna party all night and do a pub crawl tomorrow AGE 35: Sorry l'd love to come to dinner but my eye is watery and I'm gonna be resting for the next week
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  • 5
    twitter post LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT AN INCREDIBLE MARKETING OPPORTUNITY TO SELL COOL PRODUCTS, MAKE FAST CASH, AND ALIENATE ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS FROM HIGH SCHOOL
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  • 6
    twitter post [turns pockets inside out; two moths fly out] oh no my moths MarketWatch @MarketWatch By 35, you should have twice your salary saved, according to retirement experts: on.mktw.net/2G64UDC
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  • 7
    twitter post Guess who's on another twitter rampage Dalai Lama @DalaiLama Everyone wants to lead a peaceful, happy life, but happiness and success aren't measured by how much money you have, but by whether you have inner peace in your heart
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  • 8
    twitter post my therapist wants me to "slow down" and stop "living my life like it'sa race" it's like he doesn't even know that life is a highway and i'm contractually obligated to ride it all night long
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  • 9
    twitter post edgar allen poe's most famous short story 'bird tells me to fuck off in my own home
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  • 10
    twitter post During a meeting last week with local pastors, Republican Rep. Diane Black raised the issue of gun violence in schools and why it keeps happening. @kylegriffin1 23h "Pornography," she said. "It's available on the shelf when you walk in the grocery store." S.H Porn Leads To School Shootings, GOP Congresswoman Says huffingtonpost.com
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  • 11
    twitter post Underground structures whose ceilings are supported by a multitude of vaulted spans are known as catacombs, or "archy bunkers"
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  • 12
    twitter post I am single taken a bitch a lover Oa child a mother a sinner a saint
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  • 13
    twitter post Being an adult is fun because you get to say things like "I'm having cereal for dinner" and "I can only afford to have cereal for dinner"
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  • 14
    twitter post SORRY NO POSTS TODAY I HAD A WEIRD SOCIAL INTERACTION AND MUST NOW REMAIN ABSOLUTELY STILL IN THE DARK UNTIL MONDAY AS PER TRADITION
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  • 15
    twitter post I trained a neural net to generate roller derby names & discovered it doesn't quite get the concept of puns. It's excruciating to watch it try. aiweirdness.com/post/174466734... Pan De Lucious Ikra B. Up Pitty Tea N. Little Aana Dastrophe Shota Monster Burning Sweet C. Bang Dizard Danky Maul Lucious Ally Mo Frankin De Fight Alotiboot Silence Stroye Cheesella La Vandastrophe Anita WreckPIED Harry Stabble Miss A. It Menace Sugar & Stranger Ace 'N' Hardv
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  • 16
    twitter post I'm not in a place financially where owning is feasible. Can you lease the libs?
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  • 17
    twitter post chillin' out, maxin', relaxin' all cool i was shooting some b-ball outside of the school when a couple of roads that were up to no good started to diverge in a yellow wood
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  • 18
    twitter post Sometimes I think about how people want space colonies but zero people have ever successfully run a videoconference on the first try 6/4/18, 5:38 AM 946 Retweets 4,212 Likes Jane Ruffino @janeruffino 1d In movies when the video link cuts out, they always assume some disastrous event. Imagine videoconferencing was solid enough to complete a meeting, let alone so robust that only all-out war could take it out. (l can't imagine this.)
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  • 19
    twitter post Me: gonna cook every night, eat tons of veggies, hold off on carbs My emotions: POPCORN ONLY POPCORN
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  • 20
    twitter post Wow.. I'm speechless at the moon and stars. They're so beautiful I cannot even describe them. Just kidding mother fucker. They are white circles that glow. Easy to describe. Next
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  • 21
    twitter post Yet another political argument on Twitter [Darmstadt, MS 2505, 14th c.]
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  • 22
    twitter post Sometimes I like to like to get offline completely, just totally unplug, stretch for 7-10 seconds, then get right back on
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  • 23
    twitter post new lacroix flavors! -transported ina truck near bananas -hint of hint of lime -single skittle dissolved in water -shy watermelon -imagine like, a strawberry but with low battery
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  • 24
    twitter post *X-rays reveal my body to be a ramshackle scaffold of toothpicks & crazy straws buckling under the weight of an overfilled balloon*
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  • 25
    twitter post Take a shower??? Oh... do you mean GET PISSED ON BY MY OWN HOUSE??? No thanks. 10:17 PM 20 Jun 17
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