I Can Has Cheezburger?

This Guy Describes His Four Years Battle Against Birds And It's Hilarious

  • 1

    “So we bought a new house. This house has a nice gas fireplace and the exhaust was tucked neatly away near the back door.

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    The problem was, the little nook appeared to be a perfect place for birds to nest because of the protection of the roof and heat from the fireplace". 

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  • 2

    "August 2014: The first time I noticed the little guys, they caught me off guard, but thought nothing of it.

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    "They were just trying to keep warm, I figured. They startled easily and flew away whenever I would walk in/out of my back door, which scared the shit outta me. At first I ignored it, but they started shitting and building a nest INSIDE the exhaust."

  • 3

    “March 2015: Next spring, I decided to wrap the exhaust in chicken wire. I was proud of the tidy, little wrap I did, patted myself on the back and figured that was it…”

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  • 4

    “May 2015: Apparently it wasn’t. They found a nice little crevice on top of the exhaust to build a neat, little nest. Ok fine. No babies, so nest is gone. Easy enough.”

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  • 5

    “The bird came back the very next day. Cleared it out and they didn’t seem to come back for the rest of the season. Awesome!”

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  • 6

    “May 2016: … “

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    “Ok this is getting annoying. So I added bird spikes on top which I figured would keep them out for good. NOPE. They came back with a vengeance.

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     It not only didn't keep them away, but the spikes seemed to stabilize their nest. This time they brought coloured twine! I cleaned out the nest, next day they came back with more blue twine. Cleaned it out, and THEY CAME BACK AGAIN WITH MORE GODDAMNED TWINE… They must have had a stock pile somewhere."

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  • 8

    “June 2016: HA! You want to f*ck with me? Fine… MORE BIRD SPIKES, B*TCHES! No way they’ll build anything no—”

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  • 9

    “May 2017: F*ck!”

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  • 10

    “July 2017: f*ck, f*ck, f*ck!”

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  • 11

    “So I Wrapped the entire opening at the top.”

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  • 12

    “May 2018: what the absolute f*ck??! HOWWWW???!!

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     So apparently, I left a small opening on the right side. Those birds were flying up into their now high-end GATED F*CKING COMMUNITY!"

  • 13

    “May 2018: Meet Dr. Who. He scared the hell out of those birds and they haven’t been back since.”

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  • 14

    “July 2018: closing the gap on the right side just for good measure.

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    They gave me a run for my money and it's not pretty, but after 4 years, lots of bird shit and 6 iterations, I think this will be the final one. If I see them back next year, I may just give in and try to charge them rent."

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