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19 Stand Up Comedy Jokes To Get You Through The Day

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  • 1
    Microphone - Batman is built on the unbelievable premise that a human being could train themselves to peak physical perfection without giving a shit about Instagram. Nathon Anderson Narhan TheSnake
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    Photo caption - A WOMAN TOLD ME T'M ON THE SHORT LIST OF GUYS SHE'D CHEAT ON HER HUSBAND WITH. APPARENTLY SHE HAS DIFFERENT LISTS FOR DIFFERENT DICK SIZES. JUSTINPDREW.COM
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  • 3
    Text - JENN WELCH COMEDY JACKKNIFE COMEDY I got my dark hair from my mom. She's Sicilian. My pale complexion is from my dad. He's dead. @jennwelchnow
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    People - The best thing about eating at a Brazilian restaurant is knowing that I never have to worry about finding a pubic hair in my food. KevinBartini.com
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  • 5
    Microphone - Being Jewish is strange because we're white, but hated by white people who think white people should be in charge of everything for supposedly being in charge of everything. @NatBaimel
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    Text - Your 30s are like playing Monopoly. Half your friends own property. The other half just trying not to go to jail If you're winning its fun. Grov If you're not, you mostly think, "how long is this game, forever?" But if you mention quitting early. Your friends call you, "selfish." @lawrencerosales
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  • 7
    Musical instrument - Ifinally did one of those DNA tests and fit turns out m40% German 23% Irish, and 100% going tojail for that murder D UP NY Pete Stegemeyer @itspeteri
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  • 8
    Text - IF YOU COME ACROSS A POOL OF YOUR OWN BLOOD, FOR GOD'S SAKE, DO NOT LIE DOWN IN IT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE FOUND MURDERED THAT WAY AT UKEN SAMBAT @JOECHRISTIANSUN PHOTO BY O Bianca Moore
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  • 9
    Text - Why do we get so tired after travelling? After a long flight all I want to do is sit down, relax, eat a snack, watch a show, and drift off to sleep. E.D Which is exactly what I did during the entire flight Ty Cohen
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  • 10
    Music artist - "The best things in life are free. The worst are 99¢" -@Erik Bergstrom
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  • 11
    Music - It's tough being a comic. Like did you know we're the only entertainers that can't steal material? We're the only ones! If you sample other music, you can become kanye west. If you sample other comedians you'll become carlos mencia. Seriously. Hollywood remakes movies. Musicians cover songs. But if I tell some Chris rock bit about my struggles as a black man I'm a hack. Its bullshit. I have hours of material about how hard it is to be a black man.. But I can never do it. All because of C
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  • 12
    Microphone - It's muggy outside, but inside, it's burglary Kevin L. Schwartz BestScienceJoke.com
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  • 13
    Text - My ex and I had different love languages. like to express my love through words and by doing nice things, while she liked to express her love to other dudes. @CJHernandez Tampa, FL
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  • 14
    Music - T recently learned about the term New Mexican. New Mexican is a term you can use to describe a man from Albuquerque, but you can't use it to describe your coworker's baby. @coreyewood
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  • 15
    Text - People make things out of wax. They make crayons. Candles. And then hyper-realistic life-sized statues of famous people. Not much in between. That's a hell of a learning curve. LESSON ONE: Cylinders LESSON TWO: Ray Liotta James Etchison @jamesetchison
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  • 16
    Music - A lot of people are upset about the trades being made in the off-season, but at least it's comforting to know that the NBA is just an earthquake away from being fair again. Adel Alizadeh @Inf Adel
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  • 17
    Text - I have major hearing loss, but I don't mind. RS Very few people bitch about the deaf. It's one of the easier minorities to be. We don't have to fight for civil rights. There are no radical deaf terrorists CLU bombing cinemas. "THIS IS FOR USING SURROUND SOUND!" There's no conspiracy theories about my people. Nobody's like: "You know, deaf people control the subtitle industry" fb.com/davidrosecomedy
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  • 18
    Photo caption - To get healthy I make my own mayonnaise. Gotta beat the hell outta eggs & oil - its not hard tho. See it uses the same muscles as masturbating, which is what you do when girls find out you can't afford mayonnaise. It's a viscous cycle! @LoydDigg
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  • 19
    Music artist - The "open container" law is confusing. It says if you have one open bottle or can in your car, your breaking the law. However, if you have a HUNDRED open bottles and cans in your backseat, hey...you're just recycling. (acebook.com/spitfireastive shleyeflawers @Adam Cozens
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