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40 Tantalizing Tweets To Help You Kill The Time

We're consistently amazed by the garbage that is spewed on social media. People bickering left and right, way too much political content, blatant misogyny, flat earthers. It's a chore to sift through it all for the funny and good stuff. That's why we do it for you. 

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  • 1
    funny tweet - Face - Newsweek @Newsweek Florida man caught illegally feeding wild alligator resists arrest: "He's a good boy... and he loves bagels" Florida man caught illegally feeding wild alligator resists arrest: "He's a good boy...and he loves.. newsweek.com 05:10 7/3/19 SocialFlow
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  • 2
    funny tweet - Text - the hipe @TheHyyyype the guy who invented constella- tions was like "see those 4 stars? that's a bear" and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
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  • 3
    funny tweet - Text - Amanda Richards @amandakat... 1d mom, dad? I need to tell you something. I greet fans. Molly Hensley-Clancy Kelley O'Hara greets a fan after the USWNT's World Cup victory @... 2d Deze collectie weergeven gettyimages Marcio Machado 212,9K 122K 149
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  • 4
    funny tweet - Adaptation - 1 KWCH 12 Eyewitness News 12 hrs KWCH A man who "had a few too many" alcoholic beverages ordered an Uber for a baby goldfinch that he found struggling on the ground. The baby bird was the sole passenger on the ride to a wildlife rehab. https://bit.ly/ 2XZ2UY1 #kwch12 uber i KWCH.COM Drunk man sends injured baby bird to wildlife rescue center in Uber
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  • 5
    funny tweet - Cookware and bakeware - climate stripes @burgotastic Unbelievable
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  • 6
    Text - gazpacho machine @gazpachomachine here is a free list of fun & unique terms u can Use in your day to day insults: mega-plunger absolute anus slimey garden hose of a man dildo sponge empty stapler havin' ass rob rob I hate you fuck you, rob 9:49 AM 09 Jul 19 TweetDeck
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  • 7
    funny tweet - Text - Bad Mikey @BadMikeyBad Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor's arbory No weirdos 7:44 AM 10 Jul 19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 8
    funny tweet - Text - GOD @bustedbroad The new girl at work just sent me this @ 1 65% l Verizon 12:55 AM 44 3 Siri found new contact info Taylor + 3 add... iMessage Today 12:54 AM Hi it's Taylor from work. I'm on shrooms rn I just wanted to say I think you're really cool The sender is not in your contact list. Report Junk
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  • 9
    funny tweet - Technology - Tom Hanks Follow @tomhanks Look at the cool beach clothes I got for my 63rd Birthday! Hanx! 0:09, 3.01M views 6:45 AM-9 Jul 2019
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  • 10
    Organism - あかり(AKARI) @Babyshoujo Saw a thicc ass starfish at the aquarium today
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  • 11
    funny tweet - Text - badgirlCORNY @cornydawgy When I got my drivers license pic taken it showed up on the screen and I gasped and said omg I look so ugly in that pic and the man taking the pic looked at the pic and then looked at me and said "idk what to tell u that is exactly what u look like" Imao savage
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  • 12
    funny tweet - Text - Kellen @captainkalvis me: how come penguins can't fly zookeeper: their bodies are too heav- me: is it because god fears them zookeeper: what? me: did god make them heavy birds because they're his only weakness zookeeper: [whispering] shut your fucking mouth if you know what's good for u 7:14 PM 2019-06-04 Twitter Web Client
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  • 13
    funny tweet - Text - Cognoscente of Cognomens @ShimminyKricket This idea that everyone has an innate capacity to be millionaires that just needs to be tapped into with the right knowledge is weapons grade stupidity. 7:05 09 Jul 19 Twitter Web App 23 Retweets 61 Likes 30
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  • 14
    funny tweet - Text - Pooch. @ltsVee "Forget Real estate, you can't afford it anyway." Fast Dealng Property Trading Game Th MONOPOLY MILLENNIALS FOR MATICNATION Hasbro AGESS FORGET REAL ESTATE. YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT ANYWAY 8 UN UN. FULL to PARYINC
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  • 15
    Text - Girlissues @_gurlissues Girls who have their periods for 3 days, how does it feel to be God's favourite? 6:46 PM 22/06/2019 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 16
    funny tweet - Text - Brook @userbrook Me throwing "Imao" at the end of a serious sentence to make it less emotional 4:31 am 9/7/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 17
    funny tweet - Text - A Goldman @AGoldmund The only reason to ever visit reddit is the teenagers sub r/teenagers u/CorpseFucker69420 6h Gender is a scam invented by bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms 680 56 Share 1:21 PM 7/7/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 18
    funny tweet - Text - ditch pony @molly7anne My favorite part of going out to eat is acting like I've never met food before. Bread?? Complimentary? On my table?! How exotic. How fucking foreign. Brëd? Bręed? Is that Latin? Nice to meet you.
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  • 19
    funny tweet - Text - Ghastly (O,) @Ghastly One time I did 6 hits of Isd by myself and thought Obama was using satellites to scan my room to prove was in the same vicinity as my credit card so I sat on the floor and spun counter clockwise to try n go back in time and got stuck in the 60's Wouldn't recommend it
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  • 20
    Text - t Retweeted justin @farringtOn just deleted her mii from my wii channel. this breakup hurts so much
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  • 21
    Text - Brandon Covert @B_Covert13 If you're feeling down today, just know I wrote "swag" on my light switch in middle school so every morning I could wake up and "turn my swag on", so there's that.
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  • 22
    funny tweet - Wildlife - @ronsposting There's literally 5 movies on why this is a bad idea E Entrepreneur @Entrepren... 16/06/2015 Scientists Say They Can Recreate Living Dinosaurs Within the Next 5 Years entm.ag/ 1R51yQS by @Geoff_Weiss
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  • 23
    funny tweet - Sewing machine - gma: "did you wash yo hands?" 5 y/o me: "yes" gma: "yes what" me: "yesmam" gma: "alright na"
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  • 24
    Text - Robin McCauley Lynch @RobinMcCauley Do people who say, "Exercise helps me relax" know about not exercising?
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  • 25
    funny tweet - Text - keith @KeetPotato priest: does anyone here know why these two should not be wed? me: [from back]: SHE CUTS PIZZA USING A PAIR OF SCISSORS priest: fucking hell
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  • 26
    funny tweet - Text - Sabrina @stfu_sabs Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this? Me: It be like that sometimes Therapist: No
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  • 27
    funny tweet
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  • 28
    funny tweet - Text - Jess Dweck @TheDweck I don't care who they cast as Ariel in the new Little Mermaid as long as the priest officiating the wedding still has a boner 2:45 PM Jul 4, 2019 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 29
    funny tweet - Text - diana @DIANADEE me: i'm sad i need a purpose my brain: did u say a purchase
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  • 30
    funny tweet - Text - Michael Tiberi @michaelisbasic My favorite thing about vacations are packing 40 years worth of clothes for a 3 day trip.
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  • 31
    funny tweet - Text - Allison Raskin @AllisonRaskin Single at 23: "I have to go out and meet someone!" Single at 29: "If it's meant to be the right person will find me in my home."
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  • 32
    funny tweet - Text - Michael Tiberi @michaelisbasic 23 and Me but it tells me which childhood trauma is causing my depression and anxiety today
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  • 33
    funny tweet - Hair - when you go for a 20 minute nap and wake up 7 hours later @Lushlce 19h caption this
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  • 34
    funny tweet - Text - ren Jonathan @JonathanJoly If we shouldn't eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
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  • 35
    funny tweet - Text - wittyidiot @stephenszczerba Smart is sexy, but intelligence coupled with devious cunning is the ultimate. I'll know I'm in love when the conversation is effortless and a twinkle in her eye tells me if l ever hurt her in any way, she would get away with my murder and pin it on her ex best friend 5:35 PM 7/6/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 36
    funny tweet - Text - J @yung_import Friends: wyd Me: working Friends: wyd after work Me: sleeping for work tomorrow
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  • 37
    funny tweet - Text - Betches betches@betchesluvthis Guy on a first date: would you consider yourself spontaneous? Me, thinking back to all the times I said I was having one drink and then stayed out until 4:30am: yes definitely
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  • 38
    funny tweet - Text - @punsfornuns May not be saving money but at least we're making memories... well actually Iblack out a lot... but at least I'm having fun...possibly...
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  • 39
    funny tweet - Text - Auntee Rik - Fairy Gawdmother of H.. @AunteeRik Marry for love if you want. But marriage is a business. I'll say it again: You need a license to get in it. A lawyer/judge to get out if it. It can affect your tax status. Your partner's debt can become yours And I'll add, there are expenses for day to day operations. 14:54 7/8/19 Twitter for Android
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  • 40
    Text - Marissa @natsmama75 My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me. And then hit her head.
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