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Thirty-Three Mildly Amusing & Relatable Tweets

Reading sucks, but it's supposedly good for your brain. Realistically, we cannot be trusted to crack open a book and finish it, ever. Short internet articles are a little more reasonable, as are Instagram captions. And tweets. If you put all of these funny tweets together it's kind of like you read a book. At least that's what we're telling ourselves.

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  • 1
    Bengal tiger - 41 Strange @41Strange Tiger who cracked her own tooth is fitted with a gold tooth implant Sir Baggington @jolloffset He's not tiger anymore he's TIG£R
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  • 2
    Text - Louis Meadows @metrodome934 Real talk. How do blowfish blow up underwater? There's no air underwater 7:16 am 08 Nov. 19 Twitter for Android
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  • 3
    Property - The Personification of Nevil @TheAlexNevil The most diabolical escape room ever devised. EXIT ONLY ENTRANCE
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  • 4
    Text - tinyobscurae @tinyobscurae why don't you make like a tree and slowly grow while helping others around you grow too
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  • 5
    Technology - Blocky @Blockbro2 Help Me: Wakes Up My Body: PUSH CLOCK $2 PUSH HOLD mph-km/h BRAKE
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  • 6
    Text - Stephen Lehman @nLehmansTerms Our generation loves Bilbo because there's nothing more millennial than trying not to leave the house. 7:35 PM 11/7/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 7
    Text - Ari LaBeija @TheBaddestMitch What was the worst (non-violent) punishment you got as a child? My mom uninstalled The Sims off the computer and you would've thought somebody shot me
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  • 8
    Fashion - Jenny Nicholson (turkey gobble go... @JennyENicholson I'm either a vampire or that guy in your creative writing class S Var
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  • 9
    Text - elan gale @theyearofelan Once again ready for bed at 7pm thanks a lot stupid time of year you suck 7:21 PM 11/6/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 10
    Text - elan gale @theyearofelan The absolute most criminally underused condiment in America is horseradish. It's good in salad dressing. It's good on sandwiches. It's good on fish and with meat. It's spicy and healthy and delicious. Don't be a coward. Use horseradish 2:09 PM 11/1/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 11
    Text - I play games @Gazevans15 was always taught to do well in school and work hard and you can have all the things you want in life. Well did well In school, worked hard and all I have to show for it is the choice between eating or keeping the electricity
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  • 12
    Text - darwin @itsnotdarwin when ur playing "cards against humanity" andu think ur card is hilarious and then the person reads it out loud and not a single person laughs, yeah that shit hurts
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  • 13
    Text - Danny Murphy @kashmeredanny Daylight savings is going to have us all sending "u up?" texts at 3:30 pm
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  • 14
    Text - Richard Dean @dad_on_my_feet At bedtime our 3yo cried because his stuffed "buddy" was missing, so I heroically retrieved it. The fact that he then began screaming for a completely DIFFERENT toy is why I'm currently drinking all the scotch. 6:38 PM 11/7/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 15
    Text - Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix Clerk at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money l'd be shopping at the dollar store. 6:08 AM 11/7/19 Twitter Web App
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  • 16
    Text - GRave SashSLAYED @sashayed some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can't turn your head all the way to the left anymore
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  • 17
    Text - Erica @eerrriiicaa Me before coffee: fuck everyone Me after coffee: fuck everyone!!!!
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  • 18
    Text - Richard Dean @dad_on_my_feet You can tell I'm a dad from the dark circles under my eyes, expanding waistline, and propensity to awkwardly floss-dance any time music plays. But if that's not enough? Today, the "Paw Patrol" stickers l accidentally wore into work would be a dead giveaway. 7:15 AM 11/7/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 19
    Text - Shafeeq @Y2SHAF why did my last two braincells have to be a sad one and a stupid one
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  • 20
    Text - trustin @trustinvo N7 When you try to wash a spoon and it wash you back
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  • 21
    Text - janet snakehole @michelle_cheech expressing ur feelings -sucks -hard -no blocking ppl -efficient -easy -yes >
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  • 22
    Text - rudy mustang @rudy_mustang can't believe leonardo dicaprio yelled "i'm on top of the world" from the titanic. a ship, that was at sea. at sea level. the scientifically lowest altitude in the world. he was nowhere near the top, he was literally at the bottom. what a stupid idiot
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  • 23
    Text - Minister of Her Wetness @_steamy_mac My sex diary so tar is one passage from 2007 when I watched a beautiful woman sensually carve al ham. 6:21 PM 07 Nov 19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 24
    Text - Amy Dillon @amydillon "Because I'm worth it." -me, turning the thermostat up one degree 7:52 AM 11/7/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 25
    Text - SARA BUCKLEY @nottheworstmom Wearing a tank top with no bra around your man is like a wet paint sign. 7:36 AM 11/7/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 26
    Text - clancy @minecraftkid702 Which would you rather do? Light your balls on fire 85% Listen to Cardi B 15% 305 votes 16 hours 35 minutes left 11:50 PM 11/6/19 Twitter for iPhone . I love democracy
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  • 27
    Cat - Christopher Ingraham @_cingraham The World's Worst Cat has discovered that he can wake the big people up by barging into the toddler's room at 6 AM and waking *him* up. 5:55 AM 11/6/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 28
    Text - Grae Hall @HallGrae The only good thing about an Unwanted Dick Pic is the first two words accurately describe both the sender and their member. #Jokes #dating #tinder #ShowerThoughts 2:32 AM 11/7/19 Twitter Web App
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  • 29
    Text - Talk To The Hatter @Talk_To_The_Hat Your tired brain and the snooze alarm are two opposing forces but your bladder breaks the tie. 5:55 PM 07 Nov 19 Twitter Web App
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  • 30
    Text - @chrisdelia 22h I had a meeting with TI once and he had three fucking cell phones. His phone would ring and he would sift through them to see which one it was. It was fucking Chris D'Elia hilarious. t1925 83 17.9K Chris D'Elia @chrisdelia And then he checked for my hymen.
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  • 31
    Toilet seat - Uncle Duke @UncleDuke1969 Challenge accepted. 5:25 AM 11/7/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 32
    Font - Dave @DaveApnea people telling me I can't just start a new thing of using movie footage in me disagreeing memes
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  • 33
    Text - Noella Usborne @no_el_la "feed the cat" - boring - oversimplifies the dynamic - sounds like a chore "fatten the beast" - interesting - pleasing to the ear - gives power where power is due 9:55 AM 11/5/19 Twitter for Android
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    haunted_admin
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