35-year-old offers to buy his 64-year-old parents a house, forbids them from allowing his 42-year-old brother to live with them: 'My mom has always loved my brother more'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Aug 7, 2025 8:00 AM EDT

If you're going to give a family member a large financial gift, you can't dictate what they do with that money. You can advise them all you want not to blow five figures on online sports gambling, but if they're determined to do so, they will do it. If you're loaning money to a close family member or friend, that totally changes the dynamic of the relationship. One of you now is financially indebted to the other, so you cannot be equals. Gifting someone money can be a great way to help out without totally changing your relationship to one where one person has power over the other. But if you're going to gift someone money, you have to be okay with that money going to something you deem foolish. There's a reason people don't give large sums of money to extremely irresponsible family members. They don't want to see it go to waste.

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  • An affectionate senior couple in love sitting on sofa indoors at home
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • The man in this story has a decision to make. Either he buys his parents a house and accepts that they're going to do what they want with it, or he doesn't buy the house so he doesn't take part in enabling his older brother. Right now, he wants the best of both worlds.

  • AITA FOR TELLING MY MOM I WILL BUY HER A HOME BUT MY BROTHER CAN NOT LIVE THERE EVER?

    I (M35) have the oportunity to help my parents who are (64) by buying them a home so they don't have to stress about rents being thru the roof but i told them if i do this for them i don't want my brother (42) to move in with them at any point, to wich my moms response was "why don't you want to help him?" I
    via u/SoyUnaVergaPrimo
  • A house with a blue front door and a brown front door
    via Hans Isaacson (Unsplash+)

    The image does not depict the actual subjects of the story. Subjects are models.

  • told her that when i was going thru the lowest point in my life he was doing really good but never even tried to help my family and I. My mom has always helped my brother more, i mean her world is him and his kids, I have always seen that she loves him more than me and i have come to be ok with it since i can't force her to
    via u/SoyUnaVergaPrimo
  • Caucasian man male studio pose concept
    via Curated Lifestyle (Unsplash+)
  • love me as much as i would like even tho it hurts. I really would love to help my parents but i feel like my mom is upset that the help doesn't include my brother and i feel like she will try and make me feel guilty about it so that is why i need to know if I am the a hole.?
    via u/SoyUnaVergaPrimo
  • sloretactician Info: why are you trying to buy their affection?
    via u/sloretactician
  • Hexas87 This is the real question.
    via u/Hexas87
  • BriefPerformer11 He might see it as a way to set boundaries, not buy affection.
    via u/BriefPerformer11
  • Usrname52 Buying a house for his parents is "setting boundaries"? How do I get OP to "set boundaries" with me?
    via u/Usrname52
  • nenyabi Paying in exchange for positive attention is buying love. Trying to set rules on what OP buys for the parents will backfire monumentally.
    via u/nenyabi
  • harrellj Also, he has absolutely no way to prevent his brother living with his parents. Eviction is off the table (or OP wouldn't be buying the house) so how else is he going to enforce that rule?
    via u/harrellj
  • 81optimus Nta. If you buy it for them, and sign it over you don't really get a say in who lives there. If I were you, I'd buy it as your own house, so that in time your own kids could inherit it, and give your parents a tenancy agreement with restrictions on who can permenantly reside there
    via u/81optimus
  • Throwaway731208 If OP buys it for them mom will leave it to brother in her will. If OP is doing this it should be in OP's name.
    via u/Throwaway731208
  • mca2021 Spot on, that's what I was thinking. They can use it but leave it in your name OP, otherwise, if she outlives your dad, she may will it to your brother. Also have a contract that they can be the only residents, otherwise they'll get evicted
    via u/mca2021
  • One thing to think about is if you do this, she may use the money they are saving towards bailing your brother out. Are you ok with this? Any way you could also manage their money so they can always pay their bills, save up in case they need nursing care dtr. Something to think about NTA
    via u/mca2021
  • PS_is_BS If OP is really concerned about housing them, he could buy a 1 bedroomed house in his name. So he gets it back after they are gone. Parents are housed. And it's cramped for them if they decided to house his brother. Plus a 1 bedroomed won't cost as much as a bigger house.
    via u/PS_is_BS
  • Edit: OP mentioned his brother having kids. Don't know if they live with him or not. But OP could buy a place that's big enough to comfortably house his parents and that's it. Be it an apartment, condo or whatever. Regardless of number of rooms. Just find a place that would be cramped if they had to live with someone else there for long periods of time.
    via u/PS_is_BS
  • nicklinn No judgment, but this feels like buying yourself unnecessary drama. The parents will likely end up letting the brother live there and hiding it from OP. Then OP will be forced to either kick the parents out and face the fallout or allow the brother to stay. If the goal is to improve their quality of life, just take them on vacation once in a while instead.
    via u/nicklinn
  • Ok_Membership_8189 I would say NTA but I also don't think your plan is a good fit for everyone.
    via u/Ok_Membership_8189
  • BojanaDelulu Either do them favor with no strings attached or don't do it... Anything in between does not seem good.
    via u/BojanaDelulu
  • BeautifulDeparture19 If you give them a house, you can't control what they do there, or who stays with them. Its their home. If you buy a house and let them live there you could kick them out if they move brother in, I guess. They will probably just hide that he lives there though. You are giving a gift but with strings attached, but you can't enforce your conditions. Do your parents have adequate housing currently? Are they able to look after themselves? What about your brother?
    via u/BeautifulDeparture19
  • No_Secret8533 If you were to buy them a residence in a senior living community, for people who are 55 or even 60 and older.……..then the problem would soon solve itself. What? Your brother can't live there because he's too young? Too bad.
    via u/No_Secret8533
  • wurmchen12 I understand your feelings fully, but we can't dictate what our parents do. It just makes you out more the bad guy. Buy them a home, in your name so you are the owner. Tell them it's only for them, if they move your brother in, he needs to pay YOU rent. You have the power to evict.
    via u/wurmchen12
  • Timely_Egg_6827 Mild YTA. Your decision makes sense if you expect it to come to you in any inheritance. If go ahead, talk to financial planner about life trusts. They get to live in it for life but ownership reverts to you at death or if they are incapacitated. However, it seems your decision comes from a place of unresolved pain and a bit of spite. You are making a
    via u/Timely_Egg_6827
  • valid decision for bad reasons. There is no suggestion at this time your brother needs your help and he has a lot of commitments of own. In time, you may want him to move in to support your parents part of the time. Spent a year myself doing that part-time. Try and detangle financial and emotional responses. And reddit cliche but talking through the emotional bit with someone may help.
    via u/Timely_Egg_6827

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