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Tweets That Pack A Lot Of Funny Into 280 Characters

Need a solid way to waste some time? Bored out of your mind? Well, you've come to the right place. We've been scouring every corner of the internet looking for fun memes and tweetsto help you all sit back and relax. This is a Twitter-only batch of fun, so get ready for laughs that meet their 280 character limit. We like the brevity.

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  • 1
    Text - Vision Bored @VisionBored1 My son asked if I had too much booty in my pants so no my husband will never choose the music again 4:08 AM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone 105 Retweets 519 Likes Vision Bored @VisionBored1 .13h For the record I have just the right amount of booty in my pants but that's besides the point
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  • 2
    Text - Jester D @JustMeTurtle My wife loves it when I pull her hair... ...out of the shower drain. 11:15 AM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 3
    Text - That Mom Tho @mom_tho I'm so Midwest that I had a full convo with a stranger while we used the bathroom in separate stalls and then I proceeded to give her directions to the nearest floral shop and in exchange she gave me a recipe for sweet potato casserole 2:22 PM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 4
    Text - wittyidiot @stephenszczerba SEEKING: Partner who is willing to lie to their family about spending the holidays with my family while I lie to mine about spending them with theirs 9:37 PM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 5
    Text - Danya @dxxnya there's a drug dealer on my snap and all he posts is drugs, his fruit-only diet, and how he keeps visiting doctors due to a ch ronic illness that no one can diagnose. i've cancelled needless to my say, netflix subscription 6:13 PM 03 Jul 19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 6
    Text - Good Panda @justokpanda saw you chasing down all the snack wrappers that blew out of your car in the parking lot, and I think we should be friends. 10:31 AM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 7
    Text - Summers Eve @troutsbastard Guy in a parking lot yells my name & waves My mom: who's that? Me: the Dairy Queen drive thru guy My mom: that's really fucking sad 1:40 PM 11/18/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 8
    Text - no more mr wife guy @TheSocietyDude The best threat l ever received online was the time a guy said he was gonna put me in a washing machine with a dog until we touch weiners 4:37 PM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 9
    Text - Josh the Alwrighty @Tryptofantastic mr. and mrs. pepper could often be heard boasting about the suCcess of their sons dr. pepper and sgt. pepper but they rarely spoke of their daughter belle who gained an unfortunate reputation for being routinely stuffed and eaten 5:59 AM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 10
    Text - Sassparilla @Megatronic13 [2:00 a.m.] Me: "whispering* babe, u up? Husband: *groggily* I am noW Me: do you think Mario is bald? He's always wearing a hat- Husband: seriously? Next you're going to tell me that he always wears overalls so maybe he waxes Me: does- does he? Husband: omg go to sleep 10:03 AM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 11
    Text - Little Miss Badass @littlemzbadass The four stages of a day off: 1. I will do so much stuff 2. Later 'll do lots of stuff 3. Eventually, I'll do some stuff 4. Oh no.
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  • 12
    Text - Simone @SimoneSpringer "You're sex." "Did you mean sexy?" "No, I mean sex. A mess, sweaty and something that everyone wants to hide from their parents." 2:10 AM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 13
    Text - Arry Pottah @13murphy66 Its only when the Acme Giant Rubber Band slams you into the rock wall, that your true character is revealed. 9:30 AM 11/19/19 Twitter for Android
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  • 14
    Text - ThreeTimeDaddy @threetimedaddy If I could change one thing about my kids, I think I'd synchronise their taste buds 3:10 AM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 15
    Text - Bess Kalb @bessbell I joined this social network a decade ago so that one day a stranger could send me information like this. M.O. @HotelGuySA 18h Replying to @bessbell I once ate a whole ham on marijuana. 9:52 AM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 16
    Text - Jenny Nicholson (turkey gobble go... @JennyENicholson I want to see Supreme Leader Kylo Ren eat a lonely single-serving space tv dinner 9:27 AM 11/19/19 Twitter for Android
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  • 17
    Text - Josh @iwearaonesie "I missed you too" - me to my dog when I come out of the bathroom 4:32 PM 11/12/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 18
    Text - Drew @dmc1138 Legend tells of a man who once opened a can of Pringles, ate just one, and then walked away. He just...walked away 2:19 PM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 19
    Text - Simon Holland @simoncholland Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast.
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  • 20
    Text - sarafcarter @sarafcarter My friends run 10k races and I run through impossible hypothetical scenarios in my head that have no probability of ever happening
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  • 21
    Text - sarafcarter @sarafcarter What and I cannot stress this enough the fuck is wrong with people
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  • 22
    Text - Abby Heugel @AbbyHaslssues Sorry, I'm just not myself when I haven't had my nine hours of sleep, four meals and two snacks, am forced to wear real pants, and have any sort of responsibility whatsoever. 4:32 PM 11/19/19 Twitter Web App
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  • 23
    Text - Bison @FunnyBison working theory: Stephen King sets all his horrors in Maine to lower the property values so he can buy the entire state 4:06 PM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPad
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  • 24
    Text - JAY [ham] KAY @NurseMurderer my body at 20: takes acid, drinks 3 bottles of wine, smokes a pack of camel wides in between bong rips, and cartwheels through space and time my body at 40: takes a muscle relaxer and sprains my knee during a professional massage 8:08 AM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 25
    Text - SheepWreck Yaron @NrouteHQ Me: I'm returning this chapstick. It wouldn't fit in my duffle bag CVS guy: oh..ok, you have a copy the receipt? of Me: that's why it wouldn't fit in my duffle bag 3:28 PM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 26
    Text - Just J @junejuly12 [walking into the office] Sheila, a coworker: you look really tired this morning Me: must be all the wild sex I had with your Dad last night, Sheila 12:33 PM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 27
    Text - Adam @BrosefWtheMosef Lotion is just skin mayonnaise. 11:40 AM 11/19/19 Twitter for Android
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  • 28
    Text - Kevin Farzad @KevinFarzad If an employer ever says "We're like a family here" what they mean is they're going to ruin you psychologically 9:41 AM 11/18/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 29
    Text - Ally @TragicAllyHere My 6 year old, out of nowhere: mom what if my entire body was replaced with robot parts and only my head remained? Me: uhh I mean, Him: l'd probably be late to school for a few days. Because I would have to learn to walk with that. (Then he was satisfied the convo was over.) 4:52 PM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 30
    Text - cap'n watsisname @capnwatsisname SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what's another way? 3:26 PM 11/19/19 Twitter for iPhone
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  • 31
    Text - Canuklehead Jones @singleplaiddad 9 years ago this day - I gave my Mom a kidney... Hers had failed and her health was getting worse... today she's living a healthy happy life.. I did it so she could one day meet my son and watch him grow, laugh and spoil him, so that I could love her just a little longer...
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  • 32
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  • About the Author

    haunted_admin
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