CHEEZBURGERZ_18_18

Stepmom: (talking to my sister) You better behave or I'll have your sister sit on you! Me: (Joki...

(While watching an insurance advert on T.V) Dad: Me and your mum had an accident. Do you think w...

(While at a store that had glitter all over the floors) Mom: It looks like a unicorn blew up in ...

(Brother holding up a sesame seed from a bagle) Brother: If we plant this, can we grow bagels?

Me: You've been on google maps for ten minutes. What are you looking for? Mother: Atlantis.

Family Feud Host: Name a place where you might see a dead body. Mom: Next to Chuck Norris.

Me: If Star Trek fans are "Trekkies" are Star Wars fans "Warries?" Grandma: No, they're just idi...

Mom (while in a stall at a public bathroom): Oh! I AM wearing underwear!

(My dad had fallen asleep watching a movie and was talking in his sleep.) Dad: It's interesting....

*My sister and I are five and seven respectively.* Me: Where do babies come from? Dad: *Without...

Mom: I hate it when they spank the cows. Dad: Sometimes the cows like it.

(In a booth at a restaurant) Dad: This music makes my balls vibrate. Mom: What?! Dad: It's the...

(My dad is an avid vegetable gardener, my mom and I were talking about his crops one day) Mom: Y...

(While my dad is in the ICU after a heart attack) Mom: The doctor says your heart rate is too lo...

‎-After my boyfriend folded the laundry and cleaned the bathroom- Me: Sammy the house elf. Mom:...

Dad to the cat: I won't let any walruses eat you now, will I? (We live in Nevada by the way)

*lean on my mom* Me: Mom, I'm really tired. I didn't fall asleep until late last night. Mom: *s...

(Talking about upcoming physical exam) Me: Dad you need to go. You need to get your prostate exa...

(This is after my great grandma dies at her funeral) Preacher: ...And her souls looks down on us...

Mom: Knock Knock! Me: Who's there? Mom: interrupting cow. Me (sighing): Interrupting cow who? ...

When waking up, always remember that that guy shaking you awake wasn't the guy robbing you in you...

(my uncle to his lap dog) I'm a velociraptor... Hear me roar, you pathetic dog!