G.A.Bariett

Me: I suck at the clarinet Gramps: Well that's your problem. You don't Suck, you BLOW(laughs and...

Mum: "Awww, you were like a little angel sent from heaven to f*** up my life"

Dad: “If you’re looking for sympathy, it’s in the dictionary between s**t and syphilis. That’s li...

Grandpa: "Swear at it. That'll make it it work better."

My dad texts me from a heavy metal concert, "I'd do the mosh thing, but I don't want to break my ...

Mom: I can't find your Father's Day present. Dad: What do you mean there is a raccoon in the kit...

Epic Fatherly Advice: Don't date the sane ones, they'll only make you crazy. Date the really ins...

Dad: COME OUTSIDE QUICK! (I run outside) Dad: Isn't the new grass nice? Feel it! FEEL IT! (Dad...

*Watching Walker, Texas Ranger with my mother* Mum: In Texas, there are no laws; there are only ...

Dad (after being 'hushed'): I do not obey the platypus of silence!

My cousin, who lives with my grandma, came home with a blue mohawk. Grandma: That's very nice de...

(With my mom in a toy shop) Me: Hey mom, watch this! *puts on a Darth Vader helmet* Luke, I am y...

(mom calls on phone) me: hellooo? mom: is there anything within' 5feet of you that you can use ...

Mom: It's not a family christmas until there's a gun fight.

(After really long text from mom) Me: Fine Mom: That long note I wrote you and all I get back i...

(got a text from Dad) Dad: How do I answer the phone?? Me: Seriously? You can TEXT me but not a...

Me: Dad, who do I look like more, you or Mom? Dad: You look like the hobo who gave you to us.

Mum: You said some very nasty things to me this morning, when I woke you up. Me: You put a power...

Me: Mom, my boyfriend broke up with me. Mom: all the good ones are gay- (at this point she is c...

(After getting the mail) Dad: Honey, the drugs are here. Mom: Yipee!

Mom: Will you name your first child pickle? Just for me please!

Mom: Are you in tune with YOUR vagina? Dad: No, but my ovaries are killing me.

(At a soccer game.) "That's it! Stay on him like a fat kid's underwear!"

Mom: "Thanks for telling me your brother was kidnapped. I was beginning to worry where he was."

Dad: "Insane people have the best ideas. Sometimes."