Mr.Nightwing

My brother: Oooh!! Look at the moon! My Dad: Look how it hangs low, like a testicle in the sky.

Mum: ... So how's your sexual life anyway? Me: Mum! What about YOUR sexual life? Mum: With an a...

(At my grandparents' house with my cousin.) Cousin: Grandpa! You got a cell phone?! Can I have y...

Sister: Mom, can I go to a 'Lil Wayne concert? Mom: No. Sister: Why not? Mom: Because you'r...

Me: *looking at dad's new shoes* Jeez, your feet are big! Dad: You know what they say about a ma...

Mom: Yeah, your father and I did coke for about a year and a half... Me: Wow. When was that? Mo...

Dad: I hit a squirrel on the way home. Mom: Oh no. Dad: Yeah, it almost got away but I swerved ...

Mom: (to me) Do you have any use for a duffel bag about as big as a body?

Dad: So, none of you will be home all weekend? Just me and your mom? My sister: That's right. D...

(Helping my dad fix the car, and he's trying to get a screw in hole which he cant see.) Me: Need...

(watching twilight with mom) Edward: How about the weather? Bella: I don't like the rain. I don...

(My sister finds a Canadian nickel with a picture of a beaver on the tails side) Mom: That's fun...

(Cat has been meowing for water for 20 minutes) Mom: Well why didn't you tell me you were out of...

Dad: I'M BREWING MY MAGICAL MIST! *slams door* Mom: He means the Lime-Aid he put in the freezer.

Dad: Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have Alzheimer's, Cheese on toast.

Dad: What's that one game everyone's playing? Dead Cats? Mom: ...Angry Birds? Dad: Yeah, that.

[Parents in bedroom looking at cold/flu tablets. I walk in looking for the cat] Me: Hey, mum, da...

*Grandmother reading obituaries* Nana: Oh, good... Me: Good what? Nana: I'm not in there.

(Talking about a baseball player & watching a game) Mom: that boy needs food, he looks like a ch...

(Me talking about my cat to my Mom) Me: I just don't understand it, it's like he only likes me w...

*My Gradnmother, looking for attention after walking into a room where I'm watching a film with m...

Dad: I think I was a Catholic priest in a past life. I now demand you refer to me as 'your holine...

(On my sister's 10th birthday, supper was taking forever to cook.) Sister: *whining* But Mooomm,...

Brother: Who's cooking supper? Me: I dunno. Dad: The oven.

(My mom talking about the size of my chest while trying on clothes.) Mom: Good God, look at thos...

Mom: You know I hate glitter. Glitter is the herpes of the craft world.

(Telling my mom about a boy I'm talking to on the internet.) Mom: Did you tell him you're home s...

Dad: Did you hear? Disney just bought out Marvel! Me: That sucks, now they will just wimpy down ...

Uncle (about to do something really dangerous): Patrick... If something happens to me... I want y...