Spexlex

Dad: Hey Sue, they're having Bob's funeral tomorrow. Mom: He died? Dad: Well, I hope so!

Grandma: Well if someone tried to pat me down in the airport I would fart on them.

Mom: I'm going back upstairs to watch my murders.

Me: Can I have a bite of your cheesecake? Mom: No, stop asking. I gave you life, now leave me al...

Me: Dad,I need some batteries. Do you know where any are? Dad: Check your mother's dildo.

Grandapa: For Christmas we'd get a pair of pants with a hole in the pocket. That way we'd have so...

Dad: Welcome to being a man, the only difference is you have more experience being immature.

Mom: If you need a clean bra, go into your brother's room.

Me: Does the horn not work when the car is off? Mom: It's only horny when it's turned on.

(After getting the mail) Dad: Honey, the drugs are here. Mom: Yipee!

(Telling me about her new roommate) Mom: She just came from the Philippines. She's the girl I ki...

Me: What are you doing? Mom: Oh, you know. Trollin' the internet.

Me: Why does my cat always attack me when I shave? Dad: He likes his women hairy.

Dad: I want my tombstone to say "Live by the fist; die by the fist!" Mom: What are you talking a...

Mom: Can you do me a favor? Me: Sure Mom: If you wake up tomorrow... Me: What do you mea...

Sister: Why do we always drink milk? Dad: because you're too young for beer.

Me: My math teacher is so awesome. Mom: He's creepy. Me: No! If my math teacher was a student...

After watching a mascara commercial Dad: I'm gonna lengthen my toe hairs like that!

(After I've come home early one afternoon) Dad: Bet you you're glad you didn't come home 15 minut...

Me: Dad, who do I look like more, you or Mom? Dad: You look like the hobo who gave you to us.

Mom: Where'd you get that Monster? Me: The fridge... Mom: That was mine...you hooker.

Mom: Do you think we faked our way through raising you guys? Me: Brian (my brother) fell down t...

Dad: OK I get the trolling thing but how can you troll Mormons online? I thought they couldn't us...

Mom: It's not a family christmas until there's a gun fight.

(got a text from Dad) Dad: How do I answer the phone?? Me: Seriously? You can TEXT me but not a...

Mom: Text your friend. You need to explain to her that our car smells like pizza so she doesn't ...

(While trying to teach my mother texting lingo) Me: and what does brb mean? Mom: Bring your own...

(Trying to send a text message while on an airplane) Mom: I don't have service... We must be abo...

Me: Mom! What're you doing with my phone!? Mom: Deleting all the dirty joke texts from your frie...

Me: Mom, you have a text message Mom:(Raises it to ear) hello? Me:Mom...it's a text