deamonfroggy

Dad: You're my little orgasm that could. Me: Thanks?

Dad: Wow, that guy's a Derp. Me: How do you know what Derp means?! Dad: Oh please, I've even se...

Me: Let's watch Twilight! Dad: I'd rather rub my penis against a cheese grater.

(My Mom putting the hamster cage in the car) Me: Mom, why are you putting a seatbelt on the Hams...

(Visiting Grandma in Romania, admiring how big I've grown.) Grandma: May all the girls suck your...

(Via a text from my dad at 2 AM) Dad: If mom asks about the cookies, you ate them

Mom: You're lucky you grew up so to be so pretty. The first thing I thought when I first saw you ...

Me: Why are you buying a chainsaw? Dad: It's only 20$! How can I not?!

Dad: Actually if I was gay we would probably be like BFFs. We would watch What Not to Wear togeth...

(After we were caught speeding and the policeman went to write down the ticket) Policeman: Well,...

(Handing a fork to my dad while making fajitas) Dad: (slaps me with a tortilla) The fajitas defy...

Mom: *reading paper and laughing* Me: What's so funny? Mom: I'm reading the obituaries

Dad:son, did you know an avergae female breast weighs about 3 pounds? Me: no i did not Dad:Do y...

ME:Mom, all of your friends are kinda stupid. MOM:I would say the same thing about yours, but...

Me: Is it me, or does it seem like the toaster takes longer to pop when you stare at it? Dad: We...

Dad (Drunk): NITROGEN IS OXYGEN, SCREW SCIENTISTS, THEY'RE ALL LIARS AND FRAUDS!!!

Dad: Chances are, by the time you're 50, you'll have been attacked by a goose.

Dad (after being 'hushed'): I do not obey the platypus of silence!

My cousin, who lives with my grandma, came home with a blue mohawk. Grandma: That's very nice de...

*Watching Walker, Texas Ranger with my mother* Mum: In Texas, there are no laws; there are only ...

Dad: "Cats are like velcro."

(Dad is driving me and a friend home after getting ice cream) Friend: I have sprinkles stuck in ...

Me: Mom, it's time to go to bed. Mom (sleep talking): No, thanks. None for me. Me: Mom? Mom: I...

(Waiting in the DQ drive-thru, we watch a guy in the parking lot carrying a cake in one hand and ...

Dad while on medication for allergies "All is strange and fake. Is this Hell? Or is it Ohio?"

Dad: That guy is dumber than a box of rocks with all the smart rocks taken out.

My dad said: I dont understand the migratory patterns of Mexican cheese!