lolcatsrsawsum

Dad: That guy is dumber than a box of rocks with all the smart rocks taken out.

Mom: Why don't whales hit boats when they come to the surface? Me: I guess they look up, they ...

Me: Where's Dad? Mom: I killed him.

Mom: When they ask at the grocery store if I want help getting my bags to the car, I always say n...

My mom: "Look at that girl's legs! They go all the way up to her waist!" Me: "...Don't yours, too?"

Me: [Walks into the living room] I want waffles. Dad: WTF!?! Are you pregnant?!? Me: Uh, no... ...

Mom: *reading paper and laughing* Me: What's so funny? Mom: I'm reading the obituaries

(my mom talking to us about starting the laundry) Mom: Make sure you wet the water. Brother: Do...

Mom: If someone tries to get you just s**t on yourself and they'll leave you alone.

Mom: Its such a beautiful day we should go to prison!

Dad: Make sure you do before you do. Me: ...Do what?

(on her way to bed for the night) Grandmother: If I go to sleep, wake me up so I can finish my nap.

Mom: It's not wet outside. Me: Yes it is. Mom: Only the wet bits. Me: Mom, it's raining. It's ...

Mum (Farewell words!): Remember, if you don't eat, you don't poop, and if you don't poop, you die...

(Talking about a dog that had 13 puppies.) Mom: "Can you imagine having 13 babies on your nipple...

Me: Can I have a glass of water, Mom? Mom: Do you want a plate or a fork? Me: ....