starman10

Mom(on the phone): How are you? Me: Fine. And you? Mom: I feel like a tube of mayonnaise. Me: ...

Dad: Did you drink some root beer? Me: No we don't have any. Dad: Root beer does not like excus...

(after buying a semi-pricey dress) Mom: If I ever see that dress on the floor, you had better be...

Mom:"I don't see why drug addicts don't just eat strawberries instead of taking drugs"

Me: [Walks into the living room] I want waffles. Dad: WTF!?! Are you pregnant?!? Me: Uh, no... ...